Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Be Careful What You Wish For

Today I woke up with extreme loser complex. 2 days overdue really. During these moments, especially after the type of antics I pulled this weekend I have one wish – I wish I could be a normal, nice girl. To relate back to Friday's blog – I wish that of the two types of people, I was the one who did not “screw”. I wish I rather was one of those girls who so often ends up giving people like me disapproving stares at social occasions & trys not to engage in conversation.

I wish I did not have an extreme love and lust for sex and all that goes around it. I wish that sex for me was ALWAYS an emotional issue, and not some incredible fun and intense experience where I completely love being with someone different as I too thoroughly enjoy exploring their uniqueness.

I wish love for me was calm and sweet and beautiful, not intense and all-of-a-sudden and short-lived and bitter-sweet.

I wish that I had a boyfriend who I had been dating since varsity. We had met at the hockey club. It would be a calm, sweet, relationship. He would buy me pearl earrings for my 21st birthday. Years later, he would maybe give me a pearl necklace (no, not THAT type of pearl necklace. I would be a good enough girl not to even know what THAT type was) that I would wear with my pastel cardigans. We would move up to Johannesburg, or over to London, and live in a complex and have stable jobs that were “fine”. We would go to gym together in the evenings. I would be married by 26 and pregnant by 28. I would be so content and settled.

I would know how to cook. So would he. And we would! And whoever did not cook that night would do the dishes. I would not own a kitchen like I do now, where I weigh up washing a mug with how much I really want tea. I wish I would eat consistent decent meals, not binge eat when I finally had food in front of me, cause I would not know when the next time would be. I would not be questioned by my calm flatmate, “We were just wondering, when & what do you eat??”. And this type of question would not stump me. (Or I wish that because I do not eat regularly, my damn weight showed it!)

I wish that my big Friday night would consist of three glasses of wine or a coupla Savannas at the local pub. My boyfriend would drive us home. On a crazy girls' night this might include a few apple sours shooters and one tequila at most. I would always be in bed by 2am. Not random across-city hoping to see a diverse amount of people, unable to say 'no' to one last drink.

I wish I did not have the confidence to go into a club on my own, and stay there once my friends had all gone home and I had met some random people. I wish I did not have the courage to stumble up the street to my flat on my own in the middle of Jo'burg. Or hop into some guy's BMW, which I would end up driving, and do a 2 hour drive at 3am to stay in his mom's house, with no intention of scoring him but rather as I wanted one last whale-watching session before leaving the Cape.

I wish my Saturday nights were spent on the couch with my man, watching dvds, so content and peaceful. Not ending up in some penthouse drinking champagne and red bull etc. and then snoozing on some stranger's couch for a few hours, waking up and continuing for another 24 hours.

I wish that my day job of AIDS activism actually continued into my nights, where I did not finally wake up off the stranger's couch and think “fck, some tests in a coupla months would not hurt”.

I wish I did not attempt to outdrive porsches on Rivonia Road in my little Tazz...and succeed. (It's all about the robot timing).

I wish I knew, accepted, and lived by the rules of society.

I wish I did not feel the extreme urge to question EVERYTHING in the world, but rather accepted without trial and much error.

I wish my dad did not shake his head as much, caught in the dilemma between a daughter trying to save the world and the same daughter being an extreme independent reprobate.

I wish I was not so damned independent, and that feminism was an evil word to me.

I wish the man of my dreams did not have a wedding ring and a coupla kids.

I wish several things in my life had never ever happened. I do think that the non-occurence of these would not have made a difference to an excellent life.

I wish I did not have the phone numbers for or happy-snap photos of Congolese drug dealers, Cape Flats gang leaders, car guards, and Zimbos at the robots, not because I want to buy drugs or plan on using the numbers, but because I love to befriend every damn person, and believe I am a better person for meeting and knowing them.

I wish when I had a smash-and-grab or came across a masturbating flasher on Jan Smuts I was traumatised by this, and maybe needed counselling, rather than swearing or laughing my head off in anger or amusement, and that I did not want to pull over and chat to the guy about what exactly does he think he is doing....

I wish that when I was bored in life and with my company I would rather picked up a hobby like mosaic'ing, not rather indulge in extreme decadence to get some form of excitement in my life.

I wish one of my lovers had not said to me when I was telling him these wishes for a quiet life, “We are not those sort of people. We are special in our difference”, and all that did was make me want to cry and scream in frustration.

I wish I leant what I know.

I especially wish I would learn and accept that there are consequences to my actions, rather than that life is to be lived and explored.

I wish that I had not lost my oldest friend because one night I got too pissed, and...well, I don't really know, she won't tell me...

I wish that I did not require an unbelievably strong man who would put up with my hooliganism, nor solid people to be able to cope being my good understanding close friends.

Not very often, as I really do love my crazy self, but just every once in awhile I wish such things, and I think it would be so nice to be a nice, normal, good girl.

[My mother always used to wish for a duck. This weekend a duck arrived in our pool & appears to have adopted our home. Last night she made me stand on the patio admiring it as it paddled and waddled about while she stood in her gown clucking at it. No wonder I am not normal.]

[I also wish I had not just received an email from my Frenchie saying that his trip planned for next week to Jo'burg has just been postponed.]


TwoFlower said...

sho - a lot of your wishes are what i wish for...

i don't know what to tell you except 'keep your chin up' and 'this too shall pass'.

there are a LOT of things that i wish i could take back or had never done but i suppose i am who i am today because of them and i am every inch stronger because of them.

just keep chugging along and try not to look back...!

fly said...

yup, in agreeance (is that even a word :oP)....

You sound a lot like my exflatmate and best friend...it will come together sooner or later, it always does ;o)

Champagne Heathen said...

Twoflower - I keep telling myself things will pass, I will learn, I will change....I will grow up!! I think the first time I said that was 10 years ago. These days I do a great amount of sigh'ing at myself.

Like I was trying to say, some days I am just not interested in being a strong person. Just some random days. Other days I am damn proud of myself.

My boss is taking us all out for my farewell lunch just now. I think I will order everything chocolate off the menu in the hope of improving my mood! (Also, I cannot wait to hear his goodbye speech to me!!)

Champagne Heathen said...

Fly, it always helps to know there are people like me who really exist in all their madness! (Though I am suddenly thinking back through my past 20 flatmates in my life...).

I have some hope that the job change will dull my extreme mood & living at the moment. Well, for a decent amount of time at least!

TwoFlower said...

i reckon your career change will definitely help you get back on your feet.

i know how you feel with ragards to some days being on top of the world and other not - last year my brother was in rehab and whatnot and some days i did not want to get out of bed because i was depressed and then other days i was like 'fuck the world, fuck my brother, look how strong i am for coping with this shitty mess'.

needless to say, i did end up going to a therapist to get over my anger towards my brother but it worked and i'm a stronger person because of that experience (and my experience with CS at the moment)!

but on a postive note - he's been clean for over a year now (never thought our family would see that day) so what i am saying is that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel even when you feel you're in pitch black territory!

fly said...

Oh there are plenty of people Champagne.....I often wonder why my mate does some of the things he does and I came to the rationalisation that it is escapism to some degree....from what, I dont know and some of the time he regrets his actions...personally I dont see anything bad in it but then im not the person doing it or having to deal with the consequences....

I tend to hold myself back on what could be golden oportunities purely because im too scared of having to deal with my own feelings later...in a sense this is also escapism so no matter who you are or what you do
, we all have our vices... ;o)

Champagne Heathen said...

Twoflower - well done on getting through an experience like that with your brother! I am sure it was hell. And thanks for telling me about it. I have had my encounters with it through good friends, but I think I would lynch my brothers if it was ever them...well, no, cause I love the damn fools too much and so get stuck in the dilemma.

I think some good clean healthy living for a few days/ weeks would do wonders to get me towards the end of the tunnel!! I am hoping tonight on the couch with a tin of veggie soup & series dvds will surfice...ever the optimist, that I can live life to the max & come through perfect and grinning!

Champagne Heathen said...

Dear Fly,
Kinda like damned if we do, damned if we don't!

I mailed this blog to 2 close friends (my friends don't know my pseudonym/ blog address...although if they came across it they'd pretty quickly work it all out!!). I don't think I really realised my mood until yours, twoflowers and their replies to me...one sad mood today!

One friend said: "I think the end of this era is definately playing a huge role with the mood, you are taking another new corner in life not knowing what is really going to be around that corner and it is only natural to then start re-evaluating the stage you are in now."
...if ever there was something to escape from till it is on your doorstep, it is the unknown around the next corner!

Good luck to me! And maybe cheers, with a cuppa herbal tea this time!

Revolving Credit said...

Excuse me while I say ...bullshit!
There are enough of those boring, bubble headed, I-don't-have-a-life-besides-my-boyfriend, can't change a lightbulb types about.

What the world needs more of are the go-get-it-for-yourself types.

Granted, sometimes you don't want to be the pillar of strength and independence, just want to be taken care of, snuggled a bit and not have to contemplate the next adventure.
So take a time-out with some friends (or French men) with whom you can let the guard down, be a bit more relaxed and get a bit of a recharge.

Then get up and go!
You're a fun, interesting, exciting & whole person....tons a chicks probably want to be more like you.

People aspire to greatness, not mediocrity!

So get off your ass and stop feeling sorry for yourself!
A chapter is coming to an end but a new dawn has broken and a fresh new horizon is about to reveal itself.
I know in times on transition we question ourselves and our lives, that's normal.
We take our lessons learnt and boldly step into the vortex of life!

Champagne Heathen said...

Thanks for the slap of sense, Revolvin', you darlin'! But you gotta allow me a few days of good wallowing. In my normal style I will say - it is my right, and I will claim it.

I just booked my ticket down to the Cape next week for some good old 10 days worth of name-throwing in the old city. I am sure those Congolese drug dealers from Jo'burg club can't wait! I am pretty sure I still have one of their pairs of yellow sunglasses. So also best you prepare your tequila skills (and the frenchies who live down there)....I'm sure you'll bump into me somewhere along the line.

Oooo, or how about a weekday wine tour?

Revolving Credit said...

Not sure where in Cape Town you'll be trawling but I'll keep a lookout for a woman in bright yellow sunglasses slurping tequila.
Weathers a bit shite but that just makes wine drinking all the more pleasurable!

If you're looking for a bit of french, head of to the local french club (Allianz Francais) in Loop Street, CBD. There's bound to be a huge fucking herd of them there!


Dolce said...

Champers, darlin', I'm with Revolving on this one. I read your blog thinking "bollocks, no you don't"! I often wish I wasn't so fekkin' safe. That I could take chances and live, LIVE, a little! As long as you NEVER compromise who you are, or lose yourself in the process, you do what makes you feel good! And bugger the rest of the twinset wearing fluffheads!

Champagne Heathen said...

Revolving, Just make sure you keep the electricity running during those 10 days please!

And I will be everywhere across the Cape: from Stellies & the winelands & cheese stores, to pubs of wood serving me bottles of Tassies, to across the length of the Long Street till I hit the Point of Green & the old Slave houses, to saying hi to my gorgeous ex-hairdresser in Cavendish, to Tokai, where I will be parking off staring @ a golf course, thinking, hmmm....golf would be a nice sport to pick up, maybe once I finish this shiraz....

But mainly just enjoying some good friends who have been neglected because they're happily chained to the mountain.

I'll see you there!

Champagne Heathen said...

Thanks Dolce. No, I don't, not on a day-to-day basis. But every once in awhile (usually when I have run myself down into exhaustion) I do think that it would be SO MUCH EASIER to be calm and normal. I never could. I watch certain people who are very close to me (especially women in the older generations), who also are so unique in their way of receiving the world, but they were brought up to not act out of the norm. I see their incredible frustration & internal struggle, which I hate seeing, and occasionally I see them act out in their own peculiar ways, which I love.

What does get tough is realising when you are compromising yourself, as you are playing with all the rules. You are caught between what is subtly drilled into you by society (and you often don't realise that this is happening) and the way you believe life should be lived.

And, Dolce, should you ever bump into me, I'll try to help you take a chance, and chuckle your head off.

fly said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Champagne Heathen said...

Why did you remove that post? I really enjoyed & appreciated it. I would respond decently but my mind is a bit distracted with this job leaving, so maybe I will write another blog on this subject, advanced, in awhile.

And I'll figure it out all slowly, along the mad way, which hopefully will continue for many safe-&-healthy-enough decades!

Anonymous said...

Jesus but you sound like a female version of me. I promise you when you're in your 40's you will look back on your 20's with fondness whilst your "stable" mates are having their mid-life crisis!

Champagne Heathen said...

Dave, do you think that, considering the type of people we are, by the time we are 40 we will stable??
I reckon this is just a personality 'disorder' that lasts until my last hooligan breath @ age 90, asking my grandkid to pass the champs and "Let's go for a drive, see what we can discover & who we will meet...", while my stable quiet kids & old friends roll their eyes!

# 302 said...

So when you revisit this boring white picket fence conundrum, remember that it's bad luck for a man to buy a woman pearls. He should always let her buy her own pearls, even if he funds the purchase. Simply replace the pearls with diamonds! "hurrah for diamonds."

Champagne Heathen said...

But that's the point. I am a diamonds girl.... a much better investment, and I reckon easier to cash-in post-divorce/ parting of ways!

Just call me Marilyn, baby!

# 302 said...

There are a couple of books authoured by Genevieve Antoine Dariaux, I will send you the link.

And these are not books that men generally read but I can't limit myself in that way (footnote in paragraph 2).

She's a French author, books were written in the 60ties and she offers tid-bits of advice, it's a great read.

In a guide to elegance, she offers this bit of advice:

D is for diamonds. If a man gives you diamonds he is either very rich or very much in love with you. Hurrah for diamonds.

So you are on the right track.


Champagne Heathen said...

Ah, see, that is why I love the french. They are so wise! Would such a book be relevant to me & this era now?!?! Although, considering '60s fashion, it just means I will learn how to wear a mini skirt with class. NOT an easy feat.

So now - how on earth did you even discover such a book!?!

# 302 said...

absolutely it's essential reading. anyway she's got a second book - the men in your life - timeless advice and wisdom on managing the opposite sex - which is always a good reference book - i guess.

seriously though it's very good.

i often read pulp (because that's what the kilo shops stock and throw out) and i was reading something in the bridget jones genre when she reference mz Dariaux. I got bored with the original novel and I tracked down these books, which have recently been re-issued, which i still enjoy.

friday, my head feels like pulp, and with a meeting at 2pm what was i thinking accepting.

and i love the french as well, i wish i was fluent in the language but i spent 2 weeks in paris in 2001, in july for my 31st birthday, it was great, close to monmartre? close to where amelie was from, i still miss the almond croissants.

ca va?

Champagne Heathen said...

Sorry for taking so long to reply to this comment. Poor form on my part.

Have you read the 2nd book? Would you agree with her? Not that men know how to handle themselves, cause then they'd know how to counter-act this handling. I'll look them up. Exclusives is calling after all... xmas present time.

As for the french thing...then you just gotta learn it babes! Especially if you have a crazy eccentric teacher like me who gets you through the week (I have a lesson with her every Wed morning). I would go back to Paris or anywhere in France in a minute. I've been there 3 times, so far. But 1st to find me a EU passport holder and marry him!

Oui, ca va, ca va!

# 302 said...

so here we are again stuck in your archives. clearly i don't want to deal with my afternoon reality, i should blog something sensible but i've got a case study to update, people to scold and a mother to courier home later.

so: comme si comme ca.

and you don't need an eu passport dharleng, it's just to good being african, you just need to shift your reality ever so slightly but then not every comment needs to be taken quite so literally.

I haven't been back since but like you i'd go back in a jiffy. want to do south america next though, haven't been to that continent yet so, that's #1 on the agenda, july 07.

And the books - yes - I've got both, the second one is very good, i read it and felt quietly vindicated but i've got another great one which deals with charm, so watch the blog and be warned.

i've got river rafting thursday and friday, the joys of team building, so if i'm off form slightly with regard to replying you know why.

and i had a great french teacher, i'd drink a double scotch before every class and my pronounciation improved greatly but he was brilliant and a real character i still see him around town.

...have the last word and we'll pick up the thread in the later blog entries...(charming)

Champagne Heathen said...

Numbers - you do realise you can rather mail
champsheathen at yahoo dot co dot uk
rather than post in archives...

# 302 said...

tis done.