Today I woke up with extreme loser complex. 2 days overdue really. During these moments, especially after the type of antics I pulled this weekend I have one wish – I wish I could be a normal, nice girl. To relate back to Friday's blog – I wish that of the two types of people, I was the one who did not “screw”. I wish I rather was one of those girls who so often ends up giving people like me disapproving stares at social occasions & trys not to engage in conversation.
I wish I did not have an extreme love and lust for sex and all that goes around it. I wish that sex for me was ALWAYS an emotional issue, and not some incredible fun and intense experience where I completely love being with someone different as I too thoroughly enjoy exploring their uniqueness.
I wish love for me was calm and sweet and beautiful, not intense and all-of-a-sudden and short-lived and bitter-sweet.
I wish that I had a boyfriend who I had been dating since varsity. We had met at the hockey club. It would be a calm, sweet, relationship. He would buy me pearl earrings for my 21st birthday. Years later, he would maybe give me a pearl necklace (no, not THAT type of pearl necklace. I would be a good enough girl not to even know what THAT type was) that I would wear with my pastel cardigans. We would move up to Johannesburg, or over to London, and live in a complex and have stable jobs that were “fine”. We would go to gym together in the evenings. I would be married by 26 and pregnant by 28. I would be so content and settled.
I would know how to cook. So would he. And we would! And whoever did not cook that night would do the dishes. I would not own a kitchen like I do now, where I weigh up washing a mug with how much I really want tea. I wish I would eat consistent decent meals, not binge eat when I finally had food in front of me, cause I would not know when the next time would be. I would not be questioned by my calm flatmate, “We were just wondering, when & what do you eat??”. And this type of question would not stump me. (Or I wish that because I do not eat regularly, my damn weight showed it!)
I wish that my big Friday night would consist of three glasses of wine or a coupla Savannas at the local pub. My boyfriend would drive us home. On a crazy girls' night this might include a few apple sours shooters and one tequila at most. I would always be in bed by 2am. Not random across-city hoping to see a diverse amount of people, unable to say 'no' to one last drink.
I wish I did not have the confidence to go into a club on my own, and stay there once my friends had all gone home and I had met some random people. I wish I did not have the courage to stumble up the street to my flat on my own in the middle of Jo'burg. Or hop into some guy's BMW, which I would end up driving, and do a 2 hour drive at 3am to stay in his mom's house, with no intention of scoring him but rather as I wanted one last whale-watching session before leaving the Cape.
I wish my Saturday nights were spent on the couch with my man, watching dvds, so content and peaceful. Not ending up in some penthouse drinking champagne and red bull etc. and then snoozing on some stranger's couch for a few hours, waking up and continuing for another 24 hours.
I wish that my day job of AIDS activism actually continued into my nights, where I did not finally wake up off the stranger's couch and think “fck, some tests in a coupla months would not hurt”.
I wish I did not attempt to outdrive porsches on Rivonia Road in my little Tazz...and succeed. (It's all about the robot timing).
I wish I knew, accepted, and lived by the rules of society.
I wish I did not feel the extreme urge to question EVERYTHING in the world, but rather accepted without trial and much error.
I wish my dad did not shake his head as much, caught in the dilemma between a daughter trying to save the world and the same daughter being an extreme independent reprobate.
I wish I was not so damned independent, and that feminism was an evil word to me.
I wish the man of my dreams did not have a wedding ring and a coupla kids.
I wish several things in my life had never ever happened. I do think that the non-occurence of these would not have made a difference to an excellent life.
I wish I did not have the phone numbers for or happy-snap photos of Congolese drug dealers, Cape Flats gang leaders, car guards, and Zimbos at the robots, not because I want to buy drugs or plan on using the numbers, but because I love to befriend every damn person, and believe I am a better person for meeting and knowing them.
I wish when I had a smash-and-grab or came across a masturbating flasher on Jan Smuts I was traumatised by this, and maybe needed counselling, rather than swearing or laughing my head off in anger or amusement, and that I did not want to pull over and chat to the guy about what exactly does he think he is doing....
I wish that when I was bored in life and with my company I would rather picked up a hobby like mosaic'ing, not rather indulge in extreme decadence to get some form of excitement in my life.
I wish one of my lovers had not said to me when I was telling him these wishes for a quiet life, “We are not those sort of people. We are special in our difference”, and all that did was make me want to cry and scream in frustration.
I wish I leant what I know.
I especially wish I would learn and accept that there are consequences to my actions, rather than that life is to be lived and explored.
I wish that I had not lost my oldest friend because one night I got too pissed, and...well, I don't really know, she won't tell me...
I wish that I did not require an unbelievably strong man who would put up with my hooliganism, nor solid people to be able to cope being my good understanding close friends.
Not very often, as I really do love my crazy self, but just every once in awhile I wish such things, and I think it would be so nice to be a nice, normal, good girl.
[My mother always used to wish for a duck. This weekend a duck arrived in our pool & appears to have adopted our home. Last night she made me stand on the patio admiring it as it paddled and waddled about while she stood in her gown clucking at it. No wonder I am not normal.]
[I also wish I had not just received an email from my Frenchie saying that his trip planned for next week to Jo'burg has just been postponed.]