Anger and disgust

As written at 4.30am Sunday morning after just having arrived home:

I am so disgusted, by men’s behaviour. By the arrogance. The chauvinism. The disrespect that men have for women in this city. Did any of you imagine that perhaps, despite the way your pampering mothers brought you up, women have feelings that can be offended. Your demands to us make us feel like slaves. Your disgusting suggestions make us feel like we have displayed ourselves like whores. Your overpowering physical strength scare us into submission. Yes, we are submissive, as the idea of being hit causes fear in us. Fear generated by your masculinity is not a thing to be proud of, but rather to be ashamed of.

When you ride 5cm off the tail of my car, and then pass me by millimetres expect anger. But then I am a female. I should simply abide. So when I flash my lights and hoot in anger at you for endangering MY life, you stop. You try to reverse. I reverse. So you get out of your car. Potentially with a gun. Because that is the nature of this country that men allow themselves to be apathetic or play straight in to. And I sit behind my wheel waiting. Should I drive forward, I will land a punch for being a cheeky fucking bitch. If I reverse, I am a coward, who picked a fight but couldn’t maintain. Of course I back down and reverse. An idiot with something to prove, I am not.

But let us back track to where I had been. But half an hour before I had been in a bar where one man asked were my friend and I not going to play spin the bottle with him and his mate. (The mate of his who had told me several times by now that he very much dislikes my brother). Don’t worry. No kissing. Only losing clothes. Very seriously Very much not leaving until they received an answer. Very much disgusting me and my friend. UNTIL…fcking (name deleted) shows his face. A man I detest with every fibre of my being.

Yes, a hot schleb man he is. I recall sitting with him in 2004 drinking whiskey while he was getting divorced & needing a companion. I recall him in 2005 wearing a PURPLE suit and insulting me in front of many people, and my darling friend tearing him to pieces. Months later he approached me in that bar and asked my forgiveness. Over much time and many apologies listened to while just trying to enjoy my night out, I accepted. I eventually even decided to humour him with the date he had been begging me for. He stood me up.

So there I saw him tonight. And he claimed in front of all that he had never met me. He never knew me. But had we ever had sex. He proceeded to hit on my darling friend. The fcking audacity. He disgusts me.

Or how about the man I bumped into between the engagement party and Melville. The man I had once ended up going home with for some more drinks. And yes, I was naïve enough to say I was going back to their place ONLY for more drinks. We did end up naked, that year ago. He called for his friend to look at my breasts. Obviously, if I’d ended up naked with him so randomly I was slapper enough to show his mate my naked self. He was unimpressed that I refused. He tried to strangle me as some form of kink. He smacked me. I had decided to not show that this random man had hurt me, had affected me. But there he now was, a year later talking to me about HIV in serious terms.

How do you in one night treat me so disrespectfully and so poorly and like I am a whore. And now a year later you try to engage in intellectual conversation, because it will be of benefit to you. Because I hold information that will aid your life, not because you have an ounce of respect for me working my butt and mind off to have gained that information, and to have reached my level of career or humanity.

I am tired of this ridiculous notion, as well as me deserving an ounce less of respect because as a woman I decided on my terms when, where, with who, and how I can have sex. And perhaps once it was with you, no emotions attached. Just fun satisfying sex. But that is NOT how a generalised woman should act, and so you can look at me from now on with a stare that hurts, or pass comments publicly that smack me. Bad choice of mine I guess, if you couldn’t cope with it. Those times when it was a choice of mine.

There are men that have taken advantage of a fast asleep me, often when I didn't realise they had rolled onto the same side of the bed/couch, or in the same room, or even in the same fcking house, and then still can face me so easily the next morning, the next month, the next year. You can face my brother, or my father. You can even fcking tell me how hot you find my mother. You fcking disgusting man, who is so respected in your career of your choice. Making money. Making a life. Making a success. Even though you hurt me so badly. But who am I in the global male world.

Or that when you know I am attracted to you even though I know I should not be, you tell me about the women you want to or have recently fucked. Or you show your mate sexual photos on your phone of some chick of yours. Yes, you turn your phone away from me, trying to be subtle. With me standing there, at a loss of how to react. At a loss for believing you actually did that. Bust by your mate and his comment of “nice rack. Is that the chick in the cape?”. And then blaming him for it. Rather than blaming yourself for not respecting ME!

Men, you disgust me. I have every right to say this. You despise me when I am too intelligent. Your actions teach women to not talk too much, to not talk to your gender too much, to not show intelligence, to not show stupidity unless I peroxide my hair.

I guess us women are to blame too, as we allow this. We put up with your ways and forgive you time and again. Often we do not even mention anything. We accept “that’s just men”, like our mothers told us. We give you so much. And you take.

And do not dare to disagree with me on this one. I have just had one night where I have watched one mate dating a man who will fuck around with every chick but her. Where men will think that my other beautiful friend’s smile will mean she will open her naked legs to them. They take her number and an early-morning hour later ask if they can come visit cause they are passing through her area. Where I will be forced to back down to your insulting disgusting arrogant ways whether they are on the road or at a bar counter (but what kinda girl can be found at a bar counter!!!!). You all please take a look at the way you treat us. And decide why you want one of us lying next to you. Before you dare again sms us. Or ask us again to love you.

I am hurt by your gender. If you are not spineless. You are pathetically arrogant.