Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Because we drive so well here in Jozi

The City Of Jo'burg's citizens' excellent compliance with road laws is famous across the globe. Apparently. It must be. Otherwise, how the hell do they expect such decisions to work:

The Intelligent Transport System pilot project on the N1 between Joburg and Tshwane, which will run from Monday, 23 October until Friday, 27 October. The project aims to reduce traffic congestion on that stretch of the road. It involves one lane being open only to cars carrying two or more people, buses and taxis.

Intelligent System - my cute ass. This & another BIGGER & BETTER Car-Free-Day is meant to take place in a city where "Get the BLUDDY HELL out of my f*cking lane you stupid fool" comes standard with all licenses issued from Malboro to City Deep. (Yes, yes, that's if you can even legally make a booking to do your driving test).

[I got my license in Centurion. Long roads. Few signs. Bugger all cars. So I am far more polite as I cruise 150 km/hr up the righthand lane. "Sweets, please move. Come ooooon. *Gesture of the direction they should move the car* Be a doll. Darling, move...move...MOVE THE FCK OUT OF MY WAY you fool! Better. THANK YOU *Hand wave*" zooooooooom....]

Ah well. Good luck to the MEC and Traffic guys. It's a good idea, at least. I am sure the Californians would be impressed. I am sure the Cape Townians are chuckling away at the madness.

See you with takkies on, bus route maps in confused hands, and speed dialling of taxi services on Friday 20 October - Car Free Day. (Where does one even find a bus route map in this town?!?)


Anonymous said...

Now you've got me laughing. How the hell are taxis going to cause havoc in one lane only? And how are they going to police this one? I can imagine all the accidents now. Just seems like a crazy idea. A taxi up a busses arse up a slower driver's arse. LOL. Build another whole lane for the taxis so that they can have two in which to fuck each other up.

Revolving Credit said...

I think Cape Town's got a bus/taxi lane on the N2 inbound in the morning and outbound in the evening.
Not sure whether anybody actually pays attention to it.
Can you imagine a taxi stuck behind a bus, ya right.
Also how does a bus going 80km/h try and change out off the right hand lane to make it's turn off. Let me guess, the bus comes to a deadstop in the fast lane, trying to squeeze back into the traffic stream to make the turn off.

Go figure.

Anonymous said...

Good to know it's not just me who has this psychotic tendency of talking to myself, pedestrians, surrounding cars, drivers and obstructive robots...

TwoFlower said...

i'm with you champs - i start off very calmly asking people to move out of my way and use my hands to show them where i want them to go...it doesn't work so i then progress to swearing profusely and exaggerating my mouth so that they can see exactly what i am saying!!

i think i might look a tad like a lunatic! ha ha!

Anonymous said...

Rev - just read your post. It makes my blood boil! Taxis and buses should never be in the right hand lane, unless they're turning in the next 50m. But instead they trundle along merrily for kms on end (in the case of buses) or trundle only for a few metres in the right hand lane, then dodge to the left to bring traffic to a grinding halt (in the case of taxis)

Okay, deep breaths... look what you've started!

Champagne Heathen said...

Jam - a read through our news always has me laughing at at least one thing a day! I cannot wait to see the results of this plan!

Rev - yes, I always used to speed up that bus lane wondering what the hell it was labelled that for, cause for my +4 yrs there I think I might have seen 2 buses ever in that lane.

Didn't think of the turn offs sagas till you mentioned it. Oh gawd.

Koeks - I am always babbeling away to anyone and everyone I see. Whether they can actually hear me seems to not matter!
And as for your blood boiling, I have half learnt just to laugh in hopelessness, half learnt the best swerving tactics to dodge the bluddy buses/taxis. Not even an advanced driving course could teach you so well!

2F - That just makes you a jo'burg driver! (Looking like a raving lunatic). I love to see how fast drivers are to react to other drivers' gestures cos of the extreme defensive driving in our town!

Anonymous said...

I find the best way to greet someone who is gesturing wildly at you because you are in THEIR lane and in THEIR way and are clearly on THEIR earth to piss them off... is to blow a kiss and wink.

Champagne Heathen said...

Ha Ha! How to REALLY piss them off!

I have a similar approach. To just SMILE and Wave and act dumb blonde-like. I am all for keeping the stereotype of clueless bad female drivers alive and well. Never are we able to get away with so much, knowingly. And the men just sigh and think "just another dumb chick".

Anonymous said...

Champs - off topic, but do you SERIOUSLY own a CRATE of condoms?

Peas on Toast said...

Tooshay Champs. I once tried to catch a bus from Norwood to outside my flat. I didn't know where the bus was headed, where it would stop, nothing. If you find a bus route map, please let me know! I'll join you on the bus.

Champagne Heathen said...

HA HA Jam!! Why? Now after your hot date are you willing to take them off me before my upcoming move home??

Let's just say, I know where to get my hands on a crateload of condoms within minutes!

Peas - After a quick internet search I found: http://www.joburgmetrobus.co.za/?path=routes

The problem appears to be lack of visuals. So you better know your Jo'burg suburbs VERY well (Did you know that we also have a Claremont up here!). And I can get you home if you backtrack to Killarney or head onto Waverley. Nothing seems to leave from/pass through Norwood!!!?!?!?!?!?

Anonymous said...

Yes, needing many condoms post hot date. (and during, but that was sorted)

Champagne Heathen said...

Jam - EXCELLENT!!!!!!! (On both counts). I'll be sure to post quite a few over asap.