Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Is that a wiff of Road Rage in the air?!

I'm sorry. I did not seem to receive the Jo'burg Metro memo on this being Week of drive-ON-the-line-rather-than-between-them.

At least thrice today. A coupla times on Sunday morning. What the hell is going on?!?!?

HELLO! Yes! I am in this lane, so why do you not F&^%&*^%*&%*&%^k off and choose your own. Claiming two is just plain selfish!!!

Maybe people have become paranoid since the highway right lane was claimed for car-clubs and are trying to get as much of all lanes as possible.

Maybe people are just shnarfing too much coke in this town lately and only know how to head directly down anything resembling a white line.

And was there a footnote to this memo that read: For those of you who really wish to get into the spirit of this week of complete idiocy and demostrations that you BOUGHT your license, please feel free to not indicate while you haphazardly change lanes, taking no notice of the car an inch behind you and to your right.

Bastard idiot dumb crazy stupid OTHER drivers.

PS. To recover from this I will go back to watching the links I have been sent from all corners of the world & seen on numerous blogs. If you haven't seen them then:
(My best is the Jacob link)

Pronto Condoms Home Page
Pronto Condoms Manto
Pronto Condoms Jacob

One friend had these demonstrated to her & even though she is married & trying for kids she says, "We all had a turn to try - they're awesome! Like, one may even decide one wants to get some action PURELY to get a chance to play with the cool condom".

Apparently purchasable from Dis-Chem, Shoprites & Pharmacies.


Anonymous said...

And it just slides right on to the hard, plastic, non-moving dildo. I'll believe when I try. Prescription for traffic - take some of your hardest music out and crank it up. Nothing like some head-banging to get rid of those blues ;P

Revolving Credit said...

The Pronto sites marketing blurb start with :
'Let’s face it, using an ordinary condom is a real pain in the butt. '

Unless you're attempting to actually have anal sex, the condom should be placed on the penis, not up the rectum.

Anonymous said...

I like the "too much coke" explanation. It makes perfect sense.

Champagne Heathen said...

Chews - nothing like headbanging for getting a headache!!!

Rev - maybe it's a new depository kind. The plastic sheath is not in fact the condom and the black thing we thought was a dildo is in fact part of the contraceptive.

If so, I don't think their sales rates are going to be too good!

Kyks - thanks. This theory really is enlightening me to some odd behaviours I have been noticing in this town recently.

Dave said...

Yeah Kyk, liked that one too! I'm definitely gonna buy me one of those Pronto doms when I get back to SA, wanna see if they work as well as the videos show.

Champagne Heathen said...

You planning on get lucky when you get back here Dave?!?!

Just try to remember we SA girls are conservative types!!! Not like those dodgy slapper English chicks!

(Gawd, I despise the word slapper. I can't believe I just used it.)

Revolving Credit said...

Champs - "it's a new depository kind"

Whats a depository? Is it that latex sheath that prevents the guys from leaving his deposit in you??

Dolce said...

I love these pronto things. Like, yay! There is nothing more mood killing than hunt-the-condom in the bottom of the drawer!

Clever little saffers!

Anonymous said...

you more of a bouncy, groover, clubber than me champers. the tick is to pick music that makes you wanna jam ;P

Champagne Heathen said...

Rev - I am blanking that comment from my mind and memory. Never in my life from this millisecond onwards will I recall having read such an idea & comment. *Shiver*

Dolce - that is why you need a crate of the things in the corner of your bedroom!

And yes, we are so smart here in little old S of A. 1st we invent thr creepy crawly, and now the pronto condom. 1 sucks dirt from your pool, the other prevents dirt to/from your tool!

Chews - too true. That was the other problem that the radio had NO music. Every channel except for Classic was talking kuk. And it just wasn't a Beethoven moment there in the sunny traffic.

Anonymous said...

I need Pronto Doms...hate the fiddling with the packet part when I'd rather be fiddling with other things...
And yes, people in this town have a PROBLEM when it comes to driving. Take more chill pills. Somehow it makes it all better.

Anonymous said...

how thick are these things?
do they come in featherlight??

Anonymous said...

hehe. the condom clips are hilarious!

What's that about road rage? I'm going to the beach

Champagne Heathen said...

Jam - I will hire you as my lackie and send you forth to experiment and research and find out all you can about these Pronto Condoms.

And it will be doubly advantageous...I'm talking about to you, and not to any research subject you might be thinking of! after all the researching, you will never suffer from roadrage of any sort as such long-term experiments work better than any chill pill could hope to!

Hmmm...maybe I'll do some research of my own!

O-D - Bastard

Revolving Credit said...


Whats up this the sudden deposit phobia??

Champagne Heathen said...

Oh THAT kind of deposit. You can't go talking about anal things and then just suddenly just go back to normal healthy sex talk.

Revolving Credit said...

HAHAHA - this is side effect of that fisting phobia that you have, isn't it.

Your mind went straight there, didn't it.

Champagne Heathen said...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! Rev!!! Stop that!!! Stop playing on all words and ideas that FREAK me out. Although I think I might have a worse phobia for that other idea than the "extreme fisting" idea.

*Rocking back and forth in corner in fetal position trying to cleanse my mind and fill it with peace and happiness*

Revolving Credit said...

For the 1st time ever, you have actually lost me???????

What is more freaky than anal fisting?

Anonymous said...

Oh traffic... I love ranting about traffic! And yes it's National driving on the lines Week. I've seen it. People are struggling.

They're the same kids who could never colour in between the lines in primary school - I laughed at them then, too.

Anonymous said...

Wooooooah... just read the fisting references.

Champers! Back in your corner!

I'm intrigued.
Peace out.

Revolving Credit said...

Is this stunned silence or are you ignoring me?
Gotta go to meeting now - later!

Champagne Heathen said...

No, I was watching those condom ads again. I am fascinated. Also, was showing it a colleague...still love my line of work sometimes! Getting to play with condoms in the office and all.

Koeks - I ain't laughing! I am ready to smash them. Much like they are ready to smash my car with their bad driving.
And now you just take your drunken mind and ponder over fisting of all types. *shiver*

Rev - I reckon it is relative in which is worse of the two crazy EXTREME sex practices that the commenting made my mind think of. But I def. think the other 1 beats anal fisting. Let's just refer to it as the extreme version of golden showering. *shiver shiver rock back rock forth shiver*. And if you still can't figure it out, it was talked about often in some spoof movie - "Not Another Teen Movie" i think. *shiver shake erase this from memory too*

Anonymous said...

squemish champers? i think what you are referring to is a cleveland steam roller. There's loads more deviant stuff out there. whatever you do - don't click here if you can't handle this stuff. personally i think the alabama hot pocket is probably the most disgusting thing i've ever heard of. but there's also - rainbow kiss, donkey punch, angry dragon, angry pirate, cherry cream pie - load of sickness ou there!

Peas on Toast said...

LOL. "People are schnarfing too much in this town obviously, what with only know how to go directly down the white line."

Bloody lane hoggers! :)

Champagne Heathen said...

Chews - I feel ill now. Obviously I had to read up on 1 or 2 of those things. I really feel ill. When did good old fashion kink, like a little bit of bondage or orgies, become too boring?!?!?? Ohgod, I really wish I hadn't read some of that stuff.
Fascinating dictionary though! For NORMAL urban slang translating in future!

Peas - This is more than single lane hoggers now. People seem to recently be taking hogging to whole new levels! Well, this is arrogant Jo'burg after all!

Anonymous said...

i did warn you champers. it is informative though ;P do you think you'll think twice before clicking on any of my links in the future now?

Champagne Heathen said...

Chews - I def. debated opening that link, but I always think it is better to be more informed than try to really close your eyes to what is going on in the world.

I will continue to debate opening any links you offer up!