Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Time Warped

So my deal from the weekend, without a full story, is that I found out about the death of a long lost friend. He died four years ago.

So one has to ask how good a friend could I have been, to discover only by chance, at a mate’s drinks, that he got hit on a highway many years ago.

Those close to him have held the funeral. Spread his ashes. Grieved. And moved on.

They have dealt with this. And I am four years too late. Ha ha, for other personal reasons with this story, that could be said for other reasons too!

And now, years onwards, as I am half way out the door to a Friday evening dinner, I turn around and say to someone, oh, but you must also know this guy. How is he doing? I always wonder about him.

The look that crossed over the guy’s face let me know before he had to tell me the story.

From then on, for the rest of the weekend, I went very contemplative. I dragged out every old diary and photo album. I found emails he had sent to me. And photos of him I pasted into holiday albums. Music of Cat Stevens he played on my guitar. Stories about what I had thought of him. How I rated him in the column of Hot Men from each December.

And Nice. Hot AND Nice were the top column to be in.

My criteria were quite simple back then, it seems.

I remember him making me giggle like a fool back in the day. And not just because he was the person to give me my first joint.

A mutual friend, who I broke the news to yesterday, found the article confirming his death. I can put a face to almost all the people the journo interviewed. Well, decade younger faces.

What does one think or feel. I had always hoped to see him again. Have at least one more goofy conversation. Every time I have been in that holiday town or been through his city, I have wondered how he was, where he was by then. Hoped to bump into him.

I guess there is no chance of that anymore.

I feel a lot of pain. A lot of sadness. Shock. After reading the article I have just sat staring. Luckily I got to drink yesterday evening, maybe. Strange emotions are in me, being confused by the time warp of it all.

How do you grieve a man you have not seen since you were sixteen. Not spoken to since you were eighteen. Who died too many years ago for your grief to be valid today. But made such an incredible impact on your life, when he was allowed to.

A mate just mailed saying, From now on....Google anyone you are thinking of and wondering what happened to them...


Heddles said...

I'm sorry babe. An awful way to find out about it.

By the sounds of things, he knew he was loved.

Anonymous said...

I wish yoi a long life, Champs

Anonymous said...

Hey Champers. It's a kak way to find out. But maybe he's kinda liked you thinking fondly of him, all these years, as hot AND nice. Without the tinge of sadness your thought energy will have now. It's the greatest irony of our rather weird lives. All this push and angst and drive and lust and worry and aching. And we know nothing about what it means. Unless we make meaning through the life we lead. Ag. I'm rambling. I'm sorry that you've lost your friend.

Champagne Heathen said...

Thanks Heddles!

HPF - And best you're there enjoying it next to me! Well, maybe not right next to me. There might be times that you gotta give me my privacy and all.

Dolce - I enjoy your rambling...feel free to keep rambling...

Revolving Credit said...

I googled Jacob Zuma, damn, didn't work, the bugger is stil around!

I'll try again tomorrow, keep your fingers crossed!!

Champagne Heathen said...

It's all about commitment, and perseverance. Visual your goal, and you shall reach it!

...Or, for a small price, things might be able to be rushed along....

RB said...

Just in case you were wondering - I have a pulse and am warm.

I hope you will be fine soon. It is tragic to learn so long afterward that a friend died in such a horrific way.

You grieve alone. And this is sad.

So pet, I am here only an email away if you need to rant.

Take it easy and DO NOT be hard on yourself.

Champagne Heathen said...

Hey! Now your comment re-appeared. All very odd. Hello you darling Robs you!

I did reply to you already, so feel a bit silly replying again here.

But for public ref: I like your observation about "grieving alone"!