If singledom is a snazzy New York Avenue, then relationships are some dusty Angolan minefield.
You can’t just take a stroll up, stopping for coffee and a bagel with lox and cream cheese, and consider using the subway to get a bit more north. Oh no! You have to manoeuvre carefully, tap tap tapping for explosives, do balancing acts, walk for kilometre upon kilometre as you sweat from heat and fear, and continually stress you are going to lose it all with one wrong step.
My father says you can’t run or hide from life. But the emotional pain, confusion, lessons. Seriously? This is what you lot have all been encouraging me into.
(My mother rather advised that relationship, they are give-and-take, the woman gives, and the man takes. Thanks Mom).
Ignorance is bliss, and 27 years of singledom definitely gave me blissful ignorant reign on life. Well, life on the surface. Now I have to go exploring, but I have to do WITH someone, and their emotions and fears and enjoyments too!?!?!
I am holding onto the belief that if this doesn’t break us, it’ll strengthen us to the point of no return.
But say it does break us. That’s the fear. Where I cling and stress and try to not lose control of it and where it might lead.
But I know I have to let go of the control for it to all fall where it should.
It all makes so much sense. I understand it. I see it. But I feel so much pain. And, well, I’ve always had this maddening aversion to pain. But he sticks with me through it, even if we aren’t together by the end of it. But that’s not my decision.
I know I am writing crap. I know I’d prefer to write about putting tequila footprints on my mate’s ceiling as his housewarming gift. Asking neighbours to display their pink bit for us & losing shampoo on the pavement. How my guy and I spent an incredible Saturday from brunching on choc mousse cake-to avoiding scrapbooking-Seinfeld-to chess-to-tennis-to-cricket-to… just us crazy two. I woke up on Sunday morning with my face pressed into a zigzagging carpet, cured the day with a Giles deck session, started rounding it off with cheap-ass beers at the Bowling Club, and then watched as it all curled back round into the confusion.
Can I do this?
I don’t think I have a choice though.