The Art Of

Aussie Slang Word for the Day: FRIG-UP: “1. A mistake or muddle. 2. To make a mistake or make a mess of something”

It was a massive FAIL.

I stepped up to the plate. Hoping that I’d first have a demonstration of whatthefuck to do at that Rolls Royce of a coffee machine. 3 coffee drippers, 2 steam nozzles, buttons for choices of amounts, countless types of coffee cups for the hundreds of types of milk froths that Melburnians love, all slicked in red chrome. It had all the daunting features. But I could beat this!

Who needs to pay Aus$250 for a childish coffee-making course! I would just watch & then re-enact.

The owner showed me some jargoned nonsense about how to grind, how to tap out, & how to attach. Yes yes, I’ve seen this before. I’ve done this before when I was high on cheap rosé for 6 months in France, making people espressos at the local café.

Yup yup. No worries mate!

Just need to get this all back into my working memory & somehow not fkc up the milk.

Then she handed me the milk jug & said “Steam”.

Within 1 minute the jug was taken from me & my interviewer said that it was obvious I was clueless.

I just started laughing.

Bust!

Thought I could wing it. Had read as many “Ask Dan how to froth cappuccinos” websites as I could last night. Made enough frothed coffees this morning to kickstart my heart into next Thursday, on the donated coffee machine in our little kitchen. Had strutted in confidently. And was “kicked out” within 2 minutes.

She sweetly did give me the cup of coffee to drink afterwards & told me to visit again in case a place “on the floor” opened up.

Ironically, for all that expectation about the milk, the coffee tasted kak.