Friday, September 29, 2006

Unnecessary. Unwanted. Un fcking worth it.

I just bumped into someone I never needed to see again. Ever.

Fuck.

Seeing him has wooshed up a huge amount of emotions and a few thoughts.

The main thought being – I feel so used. So fucking used. And I very very rarely have felt used. I am not one of those chicks who pulls the “Used” card after a one-nighter or brief fling, where both people were fully aware of what was really at play. I don’t think I have felt properly used since my brother sat me down and told me the real facts of life. What men will do to get chicks naked and shagging, and why, and what this will mean in which circumstances.

I really did not need to see him again. Did I mention “ever”.

He even had the audacity to mention many other women of his. Right there in a clothing store, between discussing contact lenses and Dubai. And asking but won’t I be restricted by moving back in with my parents. YES! FCKING GOOD! Restricted from bastard using selfish men like him!

This relates back to one of my posts I wrote awhile back. I don’t want you to guess which one. I don’t want you to enquire into what the situation was between us. I just want to vent. Get all this anger and sadness out of me.

So used. So hurt. So disgusted. So disgusting.

He said he’d phone. He had wanted to phone last night. He said he should’ve of, now that he knows I was home alone working. He could have been a distraction. Oh god, please can he just have gotten more desperate and not that I ever fell for such comments of his like that. I probably did.

Do I feel dumb. No. Not anymore. Someone has recently been trying to drill into my head that feeling emotions for someone is not dumb or weak. It is natural and beautiful. It doesn’t feel fucking beautiful. It feels so sore. I would like to punch something. Someone.
Would I like to know I was special to him. Am special to him. He really cared for me. Cares for me. I don’t know.

I know I had choice in the situation. I played a part in all of it. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get to hurt. I don’t get to feel used. I don’t get to realised he played me. And I played myself. I kidded myself. About what I don’t really know. I knew the reality then. I just hid from it. Seeing him now, as I move on, unleashed everything that’s been prodding my sub-conscious for awhile recently.

Now I really need a drink.

It also doesn’t help that I am exhausted and so very emotional.

Oh god. I really hope he doesn’t phone. Ever.

Fuck him.

20 comments:

ChewTheCud said...

Shame Champs. It's friday and you just had a really hectic week. don't let one asshole spoil your whole weekend. Facts of life 101 - this world will always have surplus assholes to go round. thats why us good guys gotta try harder.

Champagne Heathen said...

Thanks babe! Yeah, you guys have to show yourselves better. Or rather stop becoming my excellent friends. And I have to learn the art of recognising the assholes & self-centred charmers.

Revolving Credit said...

Bad fucking timing...you're both physically and mentally exhausted..adding this shit just ends with you being emotionally exhausted as well.

You are special, but he didn't appreciate it. Theres no need to be nice. Tell him not to call, that you don't want to see him, While it still hurts it's no good trying to put up a brave face.

And don't go there, ok, don't go there...it won't work, you've been hurt before and it won't change, he won't change. You owe him nothing, but you do owe yourself a clean break.

Now go and have a drink and be glad that you didn't get caught up in this situation any more than you did. Cause it could have just fucked you up further. You could have be hurt even more.

So this weekend, be free of the assignments, of the boss and of Mr Loser. Celebrate yourself cause you don't need that shit. Do things on your own terms and if losers like Mr Loser don't like it...well tough.

Nuff said...no smile :)

TwoFlower said...

i'm sending over a virtual hug and punching bag for you - they always help....!

its taken me a long time to realise this (a year almost to date since CS and i broke up) but no man has the right to use you, make you feel stupid and to hurt you by not keeping promises...and from what i have read over the last couple of months you deserve so much more than, may i be so bold as to say, that fucker? men!!

almost forgot - i'm sending you a virtual bottle of champagne and box of chocolates as well!!!

xxxx

Revolving Credit said...

That was meant to read..so Smile :)
My bad.

Champagne Heathen said...

Thanks Rev :) You're gonna make me cry right here in my office. Very true what you say, especially that I should 'be glad that you didn't get caught up in this situation any more than you did'. Thank fucking god I didn't. That it is now on its way out and that seeing him now made me realise that. THAT realisation was one massive bonus I did feel.

Won't smile just yet. Will smile when I taste the marguerita (How do you spell the drink version?)

TwoF - thanks indeed for all the wished goodies!! I'll go out and find all four and you can reimburse me one day! ;) Be bold away! I think 1 or 2 good friends of mine would congratulate you on saying that.

Yes, no one has the right to hurt me. It has just taken me an incredibly long time to realise that it was him hurting me too, not just me hurting myself. Make sense? That he was as responsible in the situation, no matter how much choice I also had.

Revolving Credit said...

Tequila!!

Champagne Heathen said...

Exactly! :) Now THAT got me smiling!

Revolving Credit said...

Cheers, I'm about the crack a beer.
Try to get some sleep between the Tequilas.

Champagne Heathen said...

Cheers to you!

Yes, I'll be the classy chick snoozing on the bar, then to lift my head and shout "Barman, another bottle of tequila!"

Jam said...

Damn Champs - just got here and read this. That's awful. Best to ignore such assholes. If they didn't then, they probably won't know. Everyone say "commitment phobic" or "coward" or whatever, you take your pick. What a moron. Hugs, lots of. And big bottles of champagne.

Jam said...

"now" not "know" - it certainly is Friday.

Champagne Heathen said...

Thanks Jam! It's tough to ignore them though when they keep appearing in the most random places. Honestly! A department store near the ladies section. It's life telling me to face up to things. Life now is telling me it is nearly time to shut down and grab that bottle of champs...and sip gracefully and respectfully! and glug the tequila.

Revolving Credit said...

just popped back to my desk...did someone say TEQUILA!! 2 Beers down, more on the way.

Champagne Heathen said...

Bluddy hell. When I move back into my folks' house I am bringing my (bar) fridge to the office and plugging it in right next to my desk!

Jam said...

I have a bar fridge. It seems to be lacking in beer, champagne or anything really. Think I need to start taking advantage of it...

Champagne Heathen said...

Jam, you fool! Imagine the possibilities! Definitel do some shopping this w.end and stock it up in anticipation of this time next week. We'll all probably be feeling the same way - so ready for the start of the weekend!

montchan said...

On the plus side, at least you're not married to this asshole... Put yourself in my shoes, and you'll feel better in no time at all.

Champagne Heathen said...

Montchan, that is one of my great fears...marrying a guy like him. I'd never stop wondering what the latest "working late" excuse was a euphemism for or why he had even ever bothered or worst of all, I'd accept it and choose to stick with it even though I knew I deserved more love and respect.

fly said...

Hmmmm....funny...im in a similar situation...

Dont you just wish there was an off switch ??? I would pay good money for an off switch...very good money...

Chin up Champs...have a few drinks with some mates and get hammered, best way to fall asleep then ;o)