Friday, October 06, 2006

Bugger Off

So just before I had to go and rescue my flatmate from her post-mugging trauma on Tuesday night, I was having a strange enough experience myself.

I was at my friend’s pub enjoying a few chilled drinks with a few chilled friends.

My owner friend walks up and says, “Champs, I’m setting you up tonight”.

Bugger off.

“Ha Ha. No. Seriously. He’s sitting over there on his own & I’m going to bring him here and you’re going to be nice to him, and fall in love, and have many babies”. He pranced off while humming “Love is in the air”.

For god bloody sake. I am not doing this. But I am not leaving either. I’m trapped. Recently this friend has gotten onto this mission to set me up. Even though I have told him death will quickly greet him if he tries. I think my mother has been phoning him on the sly. I really do believe that. (Read Have You Met Miss Jones for other such tales).

This is his second attempt. I only found out about his first attempt after me & Mr-SetUp 1 guy had an excellent conversation where I offered great advice on how to date & bed his latest girl of lust. Don’t they get it; I will screw it up even without trying.

And should I be trying, I will manage to leave everyone embarrassed as I do not want to be, nor have to be set up.

Friend of chilled friend turned to me at this point & said, “But do you not WANT a boyfriend??”, almost choking on her words in horror & shock.

NO!! I have my guy friends for good convos and drinks and cuddling, and when I want to shag, I find a shag. Bugger off you couple world. It might shock all those who were brought up to believe in “The Shelf”, but I enjoy being single! Should I meet some guy I enjoy AND want naked, or not naked if we’re gonna play in public, then maybe things will progress to a relationship. Till then BUGGER OFF out of my love life.

At this point things got more complicated & uncomfortable. A guy I had been snogging *cough* (yes, we’re keeping it clean by using the euphemism “snogging”) often at the beginning of the year entered the pub. He waved. That was it. And then proceeded to go and meet HIS DATE!! Who was sitting at the counter DIRECTLY OPPOSITE ME!! Oh gawd. So not only am I going to have the humiliation of being publicly set up without my consent but some guy I actually had a crush on recently & have done many dumb things in front of (drunk sms’ing & even more drunken convos confessing crush come to mind) is going to be witness to it all, before he takes this chickie home for him to shag.

My owner friend’s mom then arrived & sat down to have 1 drink with us. I told her her godforsaken son’s plan. She became completely engrossed in it. She then stood up and started looking for the guy, while shouting “My son, where is he? Is he that one? Oooo I hope not? How about this one at the bar? He’s cute!” (Yes, she was pointing at previous-snog now-on-date-two-feet-away guy).

Finally SetUp 2 Guy arrives. Also unaware. Big performance as everyone gets moved about so we’d sit next to each other. He clicks what’s going on & wants to bolt. He almost looked like he was going to be ill he was so embarrassed. I just held onto Friend of Friend & told her if she moves away from my side & lets him sit next to me I will slit her pretty throat.

Ag. He was sweet. He told me his profession was being a pimp. It’s not though. He’s an accountant. Not once did shagging him cross my mind. Or even befriending him for future drinks. What did cross my mind was that I would not mind snogging *cough* my old snog-boy again.

I drank. A lot. That night.

HAPPY WEEKEND!! I think that this weekend I am going to set myself up. Just for a few hours. ;)

14 comments:

Jam said...

I think that meeting people is more about serendipity than about set up. Set up just has way too much pressure behind it - the expectations on both sides are too great.
Also - "wanting" a boyfriend can actually hamper the search for one. The best relationships just appear as though from another planet...

Anonymous said...

Chemistry cannot be set up. I think it's arrogant to assume that anyone can tell the Person A and Person B would "just be too cute together, dahling!" I think we all have favourites (I wish Friend A would dump Bastard B and date Gorgeous George...) but we can't force it now, can we?

I've been insulted by some of my mother's friend's attempts at setting me up over the years... they thought I would be interested in THAT? (note: it was never my mother attempting, she just decided I was lesbian)

Peas on Toast said...

Oh babe, this is brilliant. "Bugger off couple world." Yes please. The pressure of being in a relationship in this city is overwelming. What people don't realise is that you can perfectly happy just on your own. With some loving thrown in now and then for fun.

On that note, here's to coming right this weekend Champers. :)

Champagne Heathen said...

Ex-bluddy-actly Jam & Koekie!!

It's about just bumbling along your merry way and suddenly some stranger completely knocks you over. And you have no idea why. But you never ever would've predicted it in 1000 yrs, nor could have anyone else!!

When people are "wanting" a boy/girlfriend you can "feel" their desperation. It is so obvious when the person just wants to date you cause they don't want to be alone. And then you run.

Also, it is so shocking to see who your friends think you'd get on with. No No No. Why on earth do you think I'd like this guy. Or is it like when straight people try to set up gay guys. "Well you're both gay & single...you have so much in common". With me they seem to being saying, "Well you're both single...it makes sense".

All this said though - everyone tried to set my folks up way back when. Finally they met each other at a friends' wedding. And it's now 30 yrs later..

Champagne Heathen said...

Peas - Here's to that!!

TwoFlower said...

i'm with jam on the whole serendipity thing and "wanting" a boyfiend...

these things happen when you least expect it and i really am a good example of that seeing as i was rather enjoying my dodgy single life but hey, i can now also say that i am enjoying my new found couple-status, which i refuse to rub in anyone's face and refuse to try set up my single friends because i know how annoying that is UNLESS they're setting you up just to score the guy because then i had to problem with it! ha ha!

spoon said...

But what these folk don't realise is that if there's chemistry they need to nothing more than be casual about it. A simple scenario that allows you to meet would be sufficient...they tend to suffocate the moment and put you on red alert by making things soooo obvious! I hate setups. My friend's husband says to me everytime, he introduces me to a friend of his..."See spoon - got them racked and stacked for you. what do you think of this one?"

Champagne Heathen said...

Ah but see 2F, I'm arrogant and dumb fool extroverted enough that if I want to land a snog, I do it all on my own. Actually, my friends even very rarely know I have scored, let alone them being the ones to initiate.

Spoon - I'd kill him!! Yes, just be CASUAL and happen to have them in the same social settings time and again. AND not just those 2 on their own! Actually, all coupled people can just BUGGER OFF out of the set up game. It's a fallacy. It's not a game! Grrrr....

Revolving Credit said...

If I pimp your ass as opposed to just setting your up, is that OK.

At least I get to make some money off it??

Champagne Heathen said...

Depends what kind of clientele you'd be trying to attract here. Oxford road is close enough to me for me to earn my own money with sketchy foreign businessmen looking for a quickie at the back of their mercs!

Revolving Credit said...

Anthing in the back seat of the car and doesn't require soneome to serve champagne is just not worth it...until your done mind clients who right you rubber cheques

Repeat after me: 'I may be easy, but I'm not cheap'

Champagne Heathen said...

Ah Rev, it's so beautiful to realise that after all these months you now know me so well!

And I'm cash only. If I'm going this line of work, I may as well safely tax evade & bank charge evade too!

ChewTheCud said...

Try teazers or the lounge. You could get to be in charge of the champagne room....

Champagne Heathen said...

Ooooo! ...except here I must show my feminine ignorance...what exactly goes on in that Champs room??...before I find myself buying into some crazy practice!