So just before I had to go and rescue my flatmate from her post-mugging trauma on Tuesday night, I was having a strange enough experience myself.
I was at my friend’s pub enjoying a few chilled drinks with a few chilled friends.
My owner friend walks up and says, “Champs, I’m setting you up tonight”.
“Ha Ha. No. Seriously. He’s sitting over there on his own & I’m going to bring him here and you’re going to be nice to him, and fall in love, and have many babies”. He pranced off while humming “Love is in the air”.
For god bloody sake. I am not doing this. But I am not leaving either. I’m trapped. Recently this friend has gotten onto this mission to set me up. Even though I have told him death will quickly greet him if he tries. I think my mother has been phoning him on the sly. I really do believe that. (Read Have You Met Miss Jones for other such tales).
This is his second attempt. I only found out about his first attempt after me & Mr-SetUp 1 guy had an excellent conversation where I offered great advice on how to date & bed his latest girl of lust. Don’t they get it; I will screw it up even without trying.
And should I be trying, I will manage to leave everyone embarrassed as I do not want to be, nor have to be set up.
Friend of chilled friend turned to me at this point & said, “But do you not WANT a boyfriend??”, almost choking on her words in horror & shock.
NO!! I have my guy friends for good convos and drinks and cuddling, and when I want to shag, I find a shag. Bugger off you couple world. It might shock all those who were brought up to believe in “The Shelf”, but I enjoy being single! Should I meet some guy I enjoy AND want naked, or not naked if we’re gonna play in public, then maybe things will progress to a relationship. Till then BUGGER OFF out of my love life.
At this point things got more complicated & uncomfortable. A guy I had been snogging *cough* (yes, we’re keeping it clean by using the euphemism “snogging”) often at the beginning of the year entered the pub. He waved. That was it. And then proceeded to go and meet HIS DATE!! Who was sitting at the counter DIRECTLY OPPOSITE ME!! Oh gawd. So not only am I going to have the humiliation of being publicly set up without my consent but some guy I actually had a crush on recently & have done many dumb things in front of (drunk sms’ing & even more drunken convos confessing crush come to mind) is going to be witness to it all, before he takes this chickie home for him to shag.
My owner friend’s mom then arrived & sat down to have 1 drink with us. I told her her godforsaken son’s plan. She became completely engrossed in it. She then stood up and started looking for the guy, while shouting “My son, where is he? Is he that one? Oooo I hope not? How about this one at the bar? He’s cute!” (Yes, she was pointing at previous-snog now-on-date-two-feet-away guy).
Finally SetUp 2 Guy arrives. Also unaware. Big performance as everyone gets moved about so we’d sit next to each other. He clicks what’s going on & wants to bolt. He almost looked like he was going to be ill he was so embarrassed. I just held onto Friend of Friend & told her if she moves away from my side & lets him sit next to me I will slit her pretty throat.
Ag. He was sweet. He told me his profession was being a pimp. It’s not though. He’s an accountant. Not once did shagging him cross my mind. Or even befriending him for future drinks. What did cross my mind was that I would not mind snogging *cough* my old snog-boy again.
I drank. A lot. That night.
HAPPY WEEKEND!! I think that this weekend I am going to set myself up. Just for a few hours. ;)