Nine fifteen pm last night I hear a gun shot while lying on my couch. Nothing too unusual in this city. It’s in the distance.
A few minutes later, another shot. Close enough this time to be sure it’s not a backfiring car. Definitely a gun shot.
Soon after that a third, fourth, fifth shot. Fcking loud and Fcking close. The people must be running up my own street.
Shots six and seven are a little higher up. A little further away. Far enough away for me to lift my body from its crouched position under the table.
What the hell!?!?!?! I do not recall my flat be magically transported to Hillbrow while I slept yesterday away.
Five minutes or so after the last shot I am willing to glance through a window to see what’s going on. Neighbours are doing the same. One guy is crouched behind a tree very nervously looking up & down the street. A while after that I am willing to brave standing on the landing outside watching the street below, trying to figure anything out. Everyone starts to appear on the road, moving slowly and cautiously at first, then becoming more jovial. A car appears. More people are out and about. More cars. And all is back to normal.
I go back to my couch to watch the thriller, FEAR. Man, Hollywood should place a camera in my apartment block these days.
Purchased mace on Friday. Got home, alone, at 3am that night to an open broken gate. Luckily I have a thumb-sized tear gas canister now to spray into any dumb-ass mugger’s eyes before smacking him with one of my high heels I’d have in hand.
Otherwise, good weekend. Friday night was spent cocktail testing all of Melville's 7th Ave bars' cocktails. I can't make up my mind who has the best. Will just have to retest again another time. And people watching. In gay guy's terms this = Perving, while me and my darling gay friend try to establish if the guy's sexual orientation.
Summer’s definitely here. You know this when everyone at the party ends up in the pool by 11pm, fully clothed. And you then spend a few more hours dancing around crazily at the party in only a towel & underwear.
You also know summer has arrived when you spend all of Saturday braai-hoping.
Revisiting the scene of last weekend’s debauchery (The Colony) helped in establishing some lost parts of last weekend. Like being the 3rd last person to leave the Colony actually involving having some opportunist guy giving me a foot massage while our mutual friend called Dial-A-Bed to tell them he needed a bed. Please could they deliver it immediately to The Colony Shopping Centre, Craighall.
Then bumping into a guy – “Hey! I know you! Aren’t you the guy I met at Carfax!?”.
“No, Champs. We established this last Saturday”.
“We did? Who are you then? Oh, you’re Mark!”
“No”
“Craig?”
"No. I’m ‘so-and-so’”.
“Hmmm. No, no, not ringing any bells. But I know you feel like buying me a tequila”.
”Sure. Why not. I bought you enough last weekend”.
Saturday night ended off at Catz, drinking 1 litre of sangria and staring at a pizza with a lot of mince and phoning friends.
Some things are never meant to change.
30 comments:
Oh my God, oh man. That is hysterical. The 'please deliver the dial-a-bed- to the Colony Arms.'
Priceless!
As for the gunshots, hysterical in a terrifying way. Might follow your lead Champers and get some mace.
next on the shopping list - bulletproof vest! Whats up with your neighbourhood? you sure you not living in claim street?
Rob - you sound like my big brother. At the moment though "taking chances" seem to involve parking after dark and walking up my street to the shops. Even last night, an hour before those shots, I was strolling up the street to get some sushi. Luckily the cravings kicked in so early and not closer to 9pm!
Peas - I am still confused about a person actually answering the phone at that hour. But I do recall them doing so. And apparently they were more and confused about our request!!
Chews - where does 1 buy such a vest? I've heard that GUESS are all out of this season's range already!
It gives a whole new meaning to waking up and wondering where you are! You might be in your own bed, but now where has your bed and flat ended up itself!
'..having some opportunist guy giving me a foot massage..'
See as you got the massage, it could be argued that you were th opportunist, not him.
It appears that you are an opportunist tequila drinker as well, just as Craig, Mark, Jim whatever his name is.
Sounds like your upcoming move is a fine idea indeed!
Fri night on my way out there was one of those flap jacketed armed response dudes running down the road waving a gun at a fleeing criminal. I wondered who was more dangerous...
Rev - apparently I was deeply disturbed by this guy fondling my feet, not just cause it was a poor tactic but I spend many hours every day running around barefoot - I tremor at the thought of what state my feet were in by the time he tried to use them to "reflex" my libido!
Wow Jam. Your neighbourhood sounds as entertaining as mine! The security guy needed a mace spray!...I am trying to convince myself that I am invincible with 1 of those.
I was caught in a dilemma - a foot massage and feeling slightly ill but managing to keep his hands from trying to roam anywhere else OR the opposite of that.
If my ass is my big toe, I am wondering what my baby toes is!?!?
Why don't you rub it and tell me later?
Right here in the office!?!? In front of all these people!?!? That's just gonna make me blush now.
This adds a new horrible dimension to running around barefoot....
Rub the toe and see where you feel it on your body, no vice versa??
Boss catches Champs playing with herself in the office
Boss: Champs, why you rubbing the nub at your desk??
Champs: Trying to relieve the main in my baby toe?
Well, grass and cement floors are ok. It's more pebbles and dirt roads that make things interesting!
Ha Ha Ha Rev!! I have nothing witty to reply to that but go bright red & hope my boss doesn't walk past right now!
(Not getting anything from rubbing my baby toe yet. Maybe I am rubbing it the wrong way?!)
Champs apparently dial-a-bed is 24 hours.
Hysterical. I gotta try that sometime.
"Hi there. Yes I'm gonna need a bed. Let's see...your queen-size Sealy posturepaedic...OK, so if you could deliver it to Manhattan nightclub... Correct...In Rivonia...Outside is fine...thanks very much."
R U using a lubricant when rubbing that toe?
Imagine some clumsy oaf trying to dry rub the nub...there's no pleasure, just pain.( and no 2nd date)
PS. Shouldn't you be using a condom? What if you catch athletes' twat???
Peas, Whyonearth is it 24 hrs?!?!There must be a reason. And that reason is people like us!! How could they get all confused on such easy orders. Here's the address. This type of bed. I'll see you in 20. Please bring bedding & one of those eye cover aeroplane thingies too! Thanks!
....and then I'll climb into bed and rub my baby toe!
Rev - I know where these toes have been, thank you!! Well, yes, except for that guy's hands, but his hands looked clean...!
Are you sure you did Aids work? Taught people about STDs??
"but his hands looked clean...!'
..but his penis looked clean..
* shakes head is disappointment*
But I was caught up in the moment, and there was just no time. And afterall, we all know that it just kills the mood...
...sorry, I've been having a few convos today about how people forget about the condom & I am trying to see it from their point of view & whether saying these comments really work as a valid defence.
I am not even convincing myself...and it was just hands & feet!
Do you like being on your hands and feet and is that just part of the academic exercise??
Please ignore previous slight confusing statement - due to work interfering with my blogging??
It's a fascinating statement though. So much can be read into it!
Pray tell me what you are reading into it, beside you being on your hands and knee?
But originally you put me at being on my hands & feet. Now you're talking about me being on 1 knee and my hands. I feel like I am back in a yoga class ;)
Is that like 'bend for a friend'?
Only if the friend tests clean!
"But originally you put me at being on my hands & feet. Now you're talking about me being on 1 knee and my hands"
I'm slowly and insidiously turning you into a pretzel!
Do you think your boss would notice if you put on of those twister board on the office floor??
Only if he doesn't want to join in too!
You're picturing being tired up with your boss, aren't you?
Any luck with the toe stroke yet? -maybe it needs a venue more conducive to happy toe!
*light goes on*
Have we been testing the relationship and inter-connectivity between: baby toes, happy toe and camel toe????
Still, if he was buying, it couldn't have been all bad. At least now you'll be able to identify him in future: "Oh, you're the foot fetish guy"
Rev, please do excuse my absolute ignorance but what do you mean by "happy toe"??
Kyk - but the foot fetish guy wasn't the guy buying me drinks. He was just seeing an opportunity at me being the last girl at the bar & him being the last single guy at the bar. And thought he'd "work his magic" on me. Everyone has their own strange pick up lines. I just wonder how often he gets to use his "foot" one though!?!?
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