Monday, October 16, 2006

Following in the adopting footsteps of Madonna

Indian Stranger: Lady, what are you doing?
Champs: I am adopting this streetkid.
Indian Stranger: Lady, you can’t adopt a kid at 4am. You’re busy being mugged by them.

Champs: Oh, no, they tried that, and the one kid keeps groping my ass, but I told them to stop it & behave. And this little kid here is great & so sweet, so I am going to take him home & look after him and pay for him to go to school and everything. His name is….is….sht honey, what’s your name again?

Half an hour of convincing, begging, arguing between me and the stranger eventually resulted in me climbing into my car….alone, while the gang of Melville streetkids looked on highly bemused, the kid with the yellow cap cried a bit, and the two Indian guys were exhausted and determined to follow me to my doorstep to ensure I did not go back before the designated lunchtime hour on Saturday to redecide on becoming an adoptive mom.

While driving home I phoned a friend:
Friend: Champers!!! Are we going to shag?!
Champs: Hi!....what?? NO!!....I am phoning to tell you about the two strange Indian guys following me home cause they won’t let me adopt a kid.
Friend: Oh. Listen, if we’re not going to shag I’m going to hang up now and go to bed.
Champs: Augh. Fine!

I then sat on the steps up to my apartment trying to figure out What The Hell. I recall 4pm Friday being phoned by a colleague and told I was under orders to stop working, my beer was getting warm. I recall laughing with Peas about crazy Nik Nak comments before confessing my undying love to two gorgeous women in gold dresses because they kept bringing us free champagne & cupcakes at TC. I recall my breasts officially being named the Indian & the Atlantic…maybe my new shirt with the map of Africa is more trouble than it is funky. And YES, there were then many jokes about Antarctica warming up. I recall Jam and I getting to Melville for just a couple more drinks and having a random intense couple buy us shots before Jam spilt my drink on me.

And this about where I stop recalling. Well, less that I stop recalling as that what I do recall makes little to no sense. Especially the part where I thought I could ever look after a kid.

And then I did what a sensible person would do….went to bed, woke up at lunchtime, made some calls to ask what happened, and took my Darling D for lunch at Delux – 44 Stanley, where we had convos that made the 11 yr old Afrikaans boy at the table next to us blush and vra vir ma wat ‘n ***** is?? My Darling D & I were having an argument that even though he is my best friend, neither one of us tells the other the intimate details of our sex lives, and…well…I’m even blushing at memories of what we then proceeded to speak about. We also accepted that he has failed miserably as my Pimp.

Then I went to look for my streetkid in Melville to explain to him that I couldn’t adopt him. Couldn’t find him. Bluddy children. But I did buy wine for next day’s lunch. The bottle broke in my car on my way back to 44 Stanley for Roka’s (Old Color Bar’s) cocktail special & catch up with friends. Now my car stinks of berries, tannins and a slight aroma of green peppers.

THEN there was the Boxing Match party, with the word “Draft” stamped across my Indian & Atlantic breasts, while I ran around with a boxing helmet on.
Lesson in Life: If you run around with a boxing helmet, people will hit you in the head.

It all went fairly insane. I think I even bartended for awhile. I know I glugged on a bottle of tequila between canes. We leopard crawled through the house to not get caught sneaking to the inside bathroom. We got caught. We danced crazy style. We chanted for the boxers. We discussed porno things. Anyone else recall anything is welcome to email me details….it was all too much really. Then I lost my friends (to find out the next day that they’d fallen asleep on the jumping castle!?) and I went to find a bed, any bed, I just want to sleeeeeeep.

This is where I thought at the time that even though my Darling D has failed me, luckily I have a Second-In-Pimping-Command…. Peas. Not that she even managed to succeed to make it to the Saturday night party to introduce me to a hot shaggable friend of hers. But then I thought I found him so sms’d her, well done, hot man, all’s sorted. I woke up on Sunday morning in his bed, only by chance, as I had found it half empty at 3am when I was tired and wanting to sleep now and left the mayhem dancing downstairs. I phoned Peas to tell her my half success….I am in “Jack”’s bed! But nothing happened.
Peas: Who’s “Jack”?
Champs: The guy you wanted to set me up with. But he’s no longer in this bed. Now an old friend, “Bob”, has climbed into the bed.
Peas: “Jack”?? HA HA HA. I wanted to set you up with “John”.
Champs: Who the hell is “John”??? I didn’t meet any “Johns” last night. And then, who the hell is “Jack”? And “Bob”, what the hell are you trying to do. Stop that!

Then I drove to fcking Krugersdorp to eat curry and speak to my friend’s ridiculously religious family about godknowswhat…I mean gollyknowswhat. I made it to my flat by 7.30pm where I tried to die a quiet embarrassed hungover death on a couch.

I am so tired today, I could cry.


Anonymous said...

Way more exciting than my weekend. But, I am proud to maintain, I am the only person I know who ends a weekend with random writing scrawled on my face... WITHOUT getting drunk.

Champers? Are you listening to me? Put down the kid. I'm talking to you! Stop it. Leave the kid alone. No, you're NOT taking him home...

Peas on Toast said...

Champers - you're a bloody riot.
An sms from Champers at some ungodly hour: "Stop scoring R and get your porno 80s ass to this party, pimp!" :)

Then: "Turns out I've known the guy you wanted to set me up with for years!"
Peas: "Bless. But that's not John dollface."

God I wish I could've managed to get my porno drunken ass to that party to see the mayhem! What a hoot!

Anonymous said...

Bugger, sorry about the drink thing. I think the couple we spoke to were disturbing me and I actually meant to send it in THEIR direction, Now you know why me and three tequilas are a lousy idea!

Anonymous said...

Champs - did you fall asleep under you desk?

Champagne Heathen said...

You could've been drunk...if you helped me to find my streetkid like I was begging you!! Someone made the observation that I can't adopt a kid & then just pass him onto my folks when I realise I can't afford to look after him or when I want to go out partying. Them made a good argument.

Can you imagine what those poor random Indian strangers must have thought of me!?!?

Peas - it was probably safer that you didn't also end up at the party. Could you imagine the chaos then!! We were making C model that DISGUSTING blue jacket about.

I've just had a flashback to making Anna, a lady behind foodies till on Sunday 'morning', reprimand my friend over the phone for leaving me at the party. He then told me that he did definitely say goodbye. Anna was believing him though. Ha Ha!!!

Jam - I'm here!! Just. I just had to sit the longest, most painfully boring meeting now trying to be comprehensible. I am also officially ill. Augh.

If you left at 2 what did I do for the next hour and a half?!?!? And don't forget the last shooter you had, which I THINK was a jagermeister.

Sigh. And that was just the 1st time you met me. I really am a good sweet innocent calm well-behaved person, even if the manager of that bar was telling you otherwise!

Revolving Credit said...

So in summary:
a) You tried to take some boy home with you who is far to young to qualify as your date for the evening. (Although, it must be really bad if you're not even able to pick up a street kid)
b)2 Indian fellows have probably reported you as a possible pediophile.
c)You turned down a prospective fuck-buddy.
d)You terrorised another 11 year kid over Sat lunch.
e) You smell like booze after Jam spilt a drink on you.
f) You spilt a bootle of red wine in your car.
g) You got boxed against the head.
h) You woke up next to some man you did not know.

and to atone for all of this you had to get your hungover ass to Krugersdorp for a religious lunch.

(next week, pictures please - even better, video clips)

Anonymous said...

Er...Oh yes. Forgot about that last shooter. 'twas a jagerbomb.
And yes, you are a sweet, lovely person with a really crazy (in a fab way) sting. Love it!

TwoFlower said...

ha ha ha ha - sounds like you had an unusual, if not awesome, weekend!! i ended up drinking four bottles of wine and then some with capboy and getting to bed at about 5am on saturday morning...i think i have met my match! :)

Anonymous said...

Carry some woodglue in the car with you next time. Just dab a little on your neck and the kids'll come running.

Anonymous said...

Haha. Vampiric glue sniffing street children. I'm sure there's a b-grade movie in there...

Champagne Heathen said...

Ha Ha Ha!
Other than my reason for taking the kid home because I wanted to mother him until he is 21, you're pretty accurate. I didn't turn the friend down, I am just not being easy-to-get! Ask Koekie...persistance overcomes resistance...

And that's a good point... I recall many photos being taken, but by who?? And at which point in the w.end??

Aaaah, thanks Jam! You rock too.'s always so good to find someone who shares your interests...which means I need to find some guy keen to be a new dad to a glued-up street kid who is so so sweet but doesn't listen and be where I told him to be at a certain time!

Chews - On my neck?? Or just hold my bag wide open and drunkenly wander up the street like an easy petty-theft target!

Jam - I think my past w.end would make a great B-Grade movie!

Anonymous said...

Yeha but if they steal your stuff they run away - if you give em glue they hang around to see if there's more forthcoming. The worst thing is trying to wash their clothes - always stuck togeher with glue.

Revolving Credit said...

" I didn't turn the friend down, I am just not being easy-to-get! "

So do you want to or not????

Champagne Heathen said...

Aaah! Chews. You seem to have a glue what you're doing here. You been adopting kids lately?

Rev!! You can't just come out and ask me like that. Where's the discretion? The circling of the topic? The guess work?

Revolving Credit said...

Well if you want to, then do it, els if you don't then don't - but you're playing games the one side while complaining on the other side that your pimps aren't sorting you out??

Sounds like you're..umm...beating round the bush?

Anonymous said...

Try run a soup kichen for street kids sometime...

Champagne Heathen said...

Rev - There is not bushbeating here thanks! And that's why I 'employ' you guys...I don't mix friends with pleasure.

Chews - I fear that is my life ambition. I think I was missing my fieldwork too much...gawd, I am such a freak. And such a complex confusing one at that. But at least I have a "Ocean's Rack"!!

Anonymous said...

It must be such a relief to be able to return to work so you can recover from the weekend ;-)

Champagne Heathen said... have NO idea. I could still sleep this day away too!