Monday, November 13, 2006

Why I hate the ManHunt

The “ManHunt” being one of the dodgier-than-thou Rivonia clubs. Not the practice. Although, watching the chicks in there, the two do seem to go hand in hand.

I’d been there three times before. On the 3rd experience, I walked out after an hour & swore to never ever return. It’s just not my sort of place. I am not a big dancer…unless I have several tequilas pulsing through me. Their alcohol is so cheap a Kaapse bergie might turn up his nose at the atrocious amount of Meths in it. And well, many of the more “serious” patrons are too serious for my liking. Smile chickie!!

Last Tuesday in a jovial state, I promised a friend that I would go one last time. I had 4 days to hype myself up. I went. I had an um…..amusing time. I am never ever going to that place again. Ever.

It is dangerous to my existence. In a few ways. I got into one bitch fight on Friday night. And one fight on Saturday morning. I was not able to move the rest of the weekend out of a mild case of alcohol poisoning. Far too much of my bank account was squandered – especially when I left my nice jacket there. Fck it.

So, in my usual way, when going to the bathroom I decided to do some activist hyping for the cleaning lady’s tip. Mainly cause I get bored in clubs like ManHunt, and it always leads to entertaining ‘convos’. There I am shouting billy in the bathroom when two Dolled-Up chickies decide to take massive offence & start swearing at me. Fairly nasaly.
“Who the f*ck do you think you are?! What the f*ck do you know. Don’t come here & f*cking judge us. What the f*ck have you done anyway. How have you helped her? Why don’t you go out and go to the areas where people need and want this instead of standing here hypocritically talking to us like this. (Well, darling, that’s the point. You have the money. Which you squander, judging by your get up. So I am asking for some redistribution of your cash to people who are living & working and are right next to you!)

For once I loved wearing heels. Towering over the chick with perfectly blonde peroxide roots, I said, “Sweetie. I do HIV work. So I have dedicated my whole life to sorting this shit out. I am just nicely saying, “Why Not Be Sweet and spend some of that money on this woman (who by this stage just had her head in her hands in disbelief) rather than your 2-inch make up & sugared-up drinks”.
What ensued was a lot of tomcat-on-heat screeching & whining in my ear. I’ll give the one chick credit. She came close to realising the holes in my drunken argument. Not close enough. They finally pranced out.

I bumped into them at the bar later. Tomcat-on-heat screeching started up again. With a lot of F*ck You’s. And me laughing away. Until I told them that they were “Stingy little bitches (edited version). Their retort, “Well, you’re ugly, HA HA HA”. “Yes, well, I don’t have all of daddy’s money to look like cheap trash. These are my work clothes still. Cause…well… I work. I have a job. Not a daddy or hubby to look after me for my life”. More F*ck you’s. And then a friend of a friend pulled me away. Why?!? I was having great fun!!

Then some random guy purchased 3 tequilas for me. Which I was meant to drink one straight after the other. Clever ploy to score really. Or maybe he was the chicks’ friends & out to poison me. I don’t know if I scored him. I don’t really know what I did after the 2nd cheap-ass tequila (Which did equal about Tequila 8 of my night). Sigh. Sometimes I am SUCH a classy chick.

Fight #2 was not directed at me. Hell, in my hungover state, shoes in hand & squinting at the merest hint of reflection, I didn’t really have a clue what was directed where at that hour (1pm Saturday). My friend was dropping me back off at my car. She shouted at some lady that this was in fact a road, not a place to park, and the lady was creating a traffic jam through her selfishness. We drove on. I got out of my friend’s car. Selfish lady pulled up next to me & started screaming that my friend couldn’t speak to her like that. Like what??? With logic??? I know. How utterly insulting!!

F*cking Rivonia. Please can someone put some tranquilisers in their water. Or make it obligatory for each of them to smoke a joint before leaving home. Really.

I should’ve stayed at the Jolly where some cute strange guy had bought me the 1st tequila of the night.

Never. Ever. Again. Well, except for when I finally get back there to fetch my jacket.

What really upset me about this whole club & its after-effects was that on Saturday night my friend’s mom was cooking us all dinner for my friend’s birthday. They’re Indian. Can you just imagine what sort of feast they cooked up!!!!!! I managed to shower at 6pm & have a sip of water. And throw up. Drive down the highway. And throw up. Get to her house. And throw up. Be fed anti-nausea pills. And try to not throw those up. And when they said it was dinner time, I had bolted at the mere thought, and that some guy stuck a glass of wine under my nose and mentioned the word “tequila”.
Being Indian they wouldn’t let me leave without take aways of the meal. I tried not to dry heave at the smell. And hid the food in the boot. I made it to my couch, and watched the muppets’ movie. 11pm I tried some dry bread. Success. Couz phoned & laughed his head off that I couldn’t make it to see him at the Colony.
“When did a family member of mine become so weak. So not even 1 tequila”….No no, not that word. Try not to throw up.

Saturday night TV is kuk. 2 movies and the porn. Really. My flatmate came home at midnight & said disgusted, “I don’t know how you watch that stuff”….well, it’s this or some preacher man. I’ll take my chances with porn. Plus, hell, what has ever been wrong people having sex. Well, maybe not with that man with that much facial hair!

If I ever end up in Rivonia again, Iam going to try out pre-sex porn talk to see if it works in reality. Well. Not reality. In Rivonia.


Anonymous said...

lol champers - maybe you should slow down one of these weekends? I applaud the decision not to go back to Bleugh-Club. You'll probably get stabbed or something if you keep it up ;P Ah well - I don't feel like giving people advice good/bad/whatever - too happy and full of love right now baby. weather is a slight downer but its gonna take a lot more than that to get me down right now ;D

Daedalus said...

Sounds like I should have joined you at the Jolly for a drink or two. Events would have been a much tamer ;-)

Peas on Toast said...

Champers - hectic! I had no idea this was going on, after squeaking some takkie/heels with you on the dancefloor! Shitters, you should've shown me where those chicks were and I would've helped you out!
Yip I have rules for this place:
1) Make sure you have tons of mates there so that you always have back up
2) Leave when it gets nasty

I left before it got nasty. Didn't mtnion this in my blog, but I was dancing with my um boyfriend and stepped onto the back of someone's heel. (ouch!), and turned around to apologise and who should it be...but Small Bum. Dancing right next to us. Needless to say he was very polite, said hi to both of us, and started chatting, but I got uncomfortable and headed to the bar...then suggested we leave after a while.

Champagne Heathen said...

Chews - Maybe. One weekend. Somewhere in the future. Ha! I have stopped even kidding myself of that. My dad also suggested not getting into fights in those areas. I firstly am wasting my breath & energy & 2ndly, 1 day could land myself in a dangerous position.

Why are you so happy? You got laid this w.end didn't you!!!?

Daeds - I tried to stay at the Jolly. Even had others trying to convince me to. But a dumb promise is a dumb promise. In future I will know not to promise. Wasted a whole bluddy w.end, that dumb night!

Peas - if it had got nasty, trust me I would've found you. Your heels would've worked wonders in a fight. Let alone your boyf. I was still laughing at them & think I even offered to buy them a reconciliatory shooter. Think they swore at that too. Honestly. Where is the love in that place?!?!

Rule 2 can be amended to my version...when it gets nasty, go snooze in a corner till your friends are ready to leave. Always works for me. Wherever I am. Sigh.

Ah, would've enjoyed meeting the infamous Smallbum. It would be good for him to meet the new guy in your life. Steps forward and all!

Did you notice my classy downing on the dancefloor! sigh. For a second, before my friend put the pipe to my mouth, I thought better of it, then thought, if I'm going to be a hooligan here, I am going to be an ultimate hooligan!

Anonymous said...

I have not the words. said...

Take some pics next time! It sounds like some class action went down and I want to see the hissy fit chicks anger at your cool but pissed demeanour!

Champagne Heathen said...

Koeks - I know. Cause you've heard it all before! Mainly when I was still trying to get to my bed and rest my blinded head.

Rob - HA ha! That would've made them REALLY angry. Screech screech f*ck you screech...sorry, could we just pose for the camera during this all! SMILE! Great. Thanks!... Then they def. would've had my head. ...Next time, I'll be sure to have the camera ready!

Anonymous said...

Champs you're the bomb - yr blog is fast becoming a regular for me. Keep it up!

ChewTheCud said...

you're only as strong as
the table you're dancing on
the drinks you're mixing
the people you roll with

Anonymous said...

Don't wory Champs, we didn't even really make it out on Saturday adn we had no excuse!

Champagne Heathen said...

Someamongus - Ah! Thanks sweets! That's a great compliment, considering your blog content is alot more intelligent than mine! Well, most of the time. I have my days ;)

Chews - the lack of hangover you have the next day.
I have become weak. So weak!

Daytripper - well, you have an excuse to not leave the house. You guys always have an excuse. But I care not to discuss this as it makes me just slightly jealous!! But next week....! And I was most worried I'd miss your appearance there, so it's better that you didn't make it!

Revolving Credit said...

What part of easy not cheap don't you understand???

Firstly, the place just sounds cheap so expect to be treated as both easy and cheap.

Secondly, even if the drink is free, do not accept any shotter which costs less hat R10 or Cocktail under R25.
a) Follow the NOT CHEAP rules.
b) Avoid that cheap shit alcohol that gets you pissed in a hurry and leaves you with alcohol poisoning.

Daedalus said...

"Someamongus... [..]considering your blog content is alot more intelligent than mine[..]"
...Self doubt or flattery? ;)
Rather say: "Yeah Baby"!

Champagne Heathen said...

Rev! That's thing though. Everything is cheap. Except for the prices.
YOU have to pay THEM R60 to go into THEIR hellhole. Well...ACTUALLY....I just walked in, past the bouncer & counter, like I had paid & they didn't blink an eye. Maybe I am THAT short... hmmmm....

But I am still in training here. Maybe can I take your intensive course??

Someamongus....Yeah Baby!!!

Daeds - have you become a guest professor to Rev's Train-Champers course?? Great stuff!

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - yip, he was around. Dancing rght next to us...was a little awkward. He knows my um boyfriend as we've been mates for a while. Was hectic. I just left them to it and I ran to the bar...

fly said...

Ah I hate the place...I havent gone for 6 years now and I still refuse to go...

Oh and the girls terrify me there...evil evil evil...

Revolving Credit said...

Champs, 2nd week in a row that you not stayed over at John/Jacks.

I fear that your relationship/sleeping-arrangement may be on the rocks.

Anonymous said...

Further proof that Champagne and tequila do not mix. Even in Rivonia.

ChewTheCud said...

explain to me quick - you skipped the entrance fee but then wanted to give the lady cleaning the toilets 40 bucks? You must have been having a real good time with that hole in your argument. Btw. guys get charged R70 - thats money i could better spent on alcohol instead of a night amongst sandtonite dicks and bitches ;P

Champagne Heathen said...

You should've dragged me along to the bar. I would've drowned you in tequila. ....hmmm, maybe it's much better you didn't, on 2nd thought. I don't think I needed anymore tequila!

Fly - that's why we're friends! Although, granted, not all the girls are bad. Hell, many friends of mine go there, but they don't take it seriously!

Rev - I KNOW!! He better not have any other dodgy chick staying over in his bed & not cuddling with him! Although, if memory serves me correctly (which it never does post-tequila-w.end) he wasn't even in town this w.end. Maybe he was finally getting laid...from his actual girlf.

Kyk - ohgawd. Even the thought of trying a concoction like that made me feel ill again!

Chews - next time I am going to ask to see their financial statements before entering, to know where/to whom exactly my entrance fee is going! My argument was FULL of holes, which I could even pick up in my drunken state, but I wasn't too worried considering the chicks I was arguing with. (Hmmm. I can see I still have some of that rivonia bitchiness left in me. Does it ever wear off?!?!)

ChewTheCud said...

WARNING : Prolonged immersion in rivonia can lead to irrecoverable bitchiness. Known side effects include loss of cognitive ability, loss of sense of fashion, lowering of morals and standards, and inflated self-opinion. ;P

Try champagne + tequila = tequila slammer royale

Daedalus said...

My services are free, use it, lose it or bank it.

Champagne Heathen said...

Chews - "lowering of morals and standards". Really?! Hell, that is almost a reason to head back immediately!!

Daeds - It better be free. In case you have yet to notice, I try not to pay for anything, if I can help it.

Daedalus said...

Kinda cliché, but the best things are free LOL

fly said...

You know what the thing with Rivonia that most that go there are absolute predators (generalising I know) and thats what scares me...personally I dont think ill be on any predatory list but its just makes the girls that much more unappealing...that and the ridiculous prices guys need to pay to get ?! and lets not mention ques...

So, you manage to get heaps of girls in, all predatory and drunk...20 boys that are willing to spend the money and the time in the que to get in (and I might be generalising but most are musclebound feaks :o)...)'re just asking for trouble...esp a low key guy like 3o'clock the wolfs come out and you just better not be standing next to a girl that some guy has decided he loins for...even if you are not saying a word to her... :oP

scary scary place...

fly said...

Actually thinking about it now just reminds me of Benoni :oP

Dave said...

Why does it sound like the tables have been reversed in Joburg since the days I was there. I remember more guys than girls in clubs and cover charge of R20 was damn expensive!

OK R70 is pretty steep but not if it gains you entry to a club loaded with girls, predatory girls even better, in my book thats way better than shy and retiring, in fact predatory is a euphemism for "easy" according to the pulling dictionary.

The only problem with that kind of club is you don't expect to meet someone and have a decent conversation, the music is normally crap, drinks are expensive and taste shite, the girls are average, the guys are muscle freaks with low sperm count and an even lower number of brain cells fixing for a fight.

When you look past all of that its still better to find someone in there to take home than to stay at home all night, avoid a fight, have a quality drink, save money but ultimately have to use your hand!

Anonymous said...

You WERE warned. So let me get this straight.
1) You had a bitch fight
2) You gave yourself alcohol poisoning
3) You left your jacket behind.
That DOES NOT sound like a healthy night out.
I had to suffer 88 for an hour or two on Saturday. The end result of THAT one was me feeling inordinately down and freaked out. I hate the way everyone in places like that looks you up and down, like they're something special when so many of them are simply materialistic idiots with their heads up their own expensive exhaust pipes.

Anonymous said...

haha how funny wish i'd been there to lend a few well placed insults. that place is amusing tho (once u get over the mean stares in the loo - in fact going to the loo should be banned forfear of ruining a half good time)

Champagne Heathen said...

Daeds - a cliche, but too too true. Well EXCEPT for chocolate & champagne. But I am sure a barter system could be set up for those 2 necessities.

Fly - why have you been hanging out in Benoni!?!? My best joke of places like that is the "Dress Code". It will be a hole whether people are wearing collars or not!

I have never thought as the girls as predators. Now I am even more freaked out!

Dave - ha ha!! Tough w.end? ;0) A friend & I were discussing this yesterday, that even if you take them home you can more than likely expect "paint-by-numbers" action. No crazy intense stuff. You may as well have stayed home with good porn & good wine, and had the energy & ability to go out the next night to a decent place!

Jam - I know. I know. Sigh. Sob. But I had to. Let alone promise someone, everyone else had left me to "have a good night in". ;)

Gawd. Next time take me to 88 if you want an "entertaining" night, if that is the sort of clientele!!

Champagne Heathen said...

Anon - I definitely agree on the "loo glares" & that ruining half your energy & mood! And def. don't try to get between 1 of those girls & the mirror. *SLAP*. I think that is when I always end up in trouble...when I wander on my own to the toilets. Get more & more edgy @ the bitchy comments and negative energies exuding from those ppl (you can somehow avoid them on the dancefloor/ at the bar). And then I crack & start ranting - to cause chaos & allow reality to sneak into their lives. sigh. Not sure who is then sadder - them or me!

Dave said...

Let me explain briefly what England is like for those who have never been.

This weekend I went out in South East England, a little village called Tunbridge Wells, fairly close to London. Actually quite a nice area so not populated by a million chavs.

If you were English, as we pretended this weekend, this would be your typical night out. Start out at Wetherspoons, a chain of shitty pubs who save a load of money on their liquor licence by not having any music and no tv's. So people go drinking there because it is really cheap, in fact the place is rammed. You're still allowed to smoke inside in England, I'm a smoker so don;t mind but the whole place was filled with smoke. People are there to get drunk, and thats it. They drink as much as they can until they;re totally pissed and then between 10 and 11 move off to a club. The club is full of reprobate hoodies, skinheads, chavs and girls in miniskirts (5 deg celsius weather) ranging in age from 16 to 60, everyone is on the pull and everyone is pissed or on some form of narcotic. Drinks are crap, attitudes are bad, decor doesn't exist and all you are doing is longing for a ordinary South African nightclub with good looking girls, like minded paople, decent tunes and brandy to go with your coke (coca cola). The club you are talking about might not be it, but if that is the worst night out in Joburg it has got a long way to go until it scrapes the bottom of the barrel.

If you think girls are predatory in SA you ain't seen nothing yet, SA girls are timid in comparison to your average english lass.

Champagne Heathen said...

What is this crazy new "chavs" word all you SA/london guys have?!? My brother came back sprouting it about during his recent home visit!

Sounds like a definite "Need to Do" experience!! Just for the chuckle and, as you say, appreciation of what's here. I learnt to really appreciate my regular hang outs, smiling strangers & mild hangovers so much more post-Friday!

I would probably be beaten up within a minute if in a pub like that. I remember brit chicks like that from my small french town days, and I remember just steering clear. At least you know most of the girls here are just (whiny screeching) talk & wouldn't know how to throw a punch, no matter how tough they talk.

zuzula said...

i'd just like to point out that not all English people have nights out like that!

Dave said...

Zuzula, you are totally right. But a large part of the population does. Which is why I like going into London to party because I find suburban British life very dull.

People who go out in SA do drink a sh*tload but nowhere near as much as the English and the girls here are generally always way more pissed than their SA counterparts at 1am in the morning.

Anyway the point I'm making is that the place Champs is referring to doesn't sound THAT bad, in comparison to a similar night out in England.

PS: JD Wetherspoons is a FTSE 250 company and all you can do in their pubs is drink, forget music or watching tv.

Champagne Heathen said...

Zuze - don't worry. We know the OCCASIONAL brit has some class ;0) ....although I was raised by the Brit tradition, and just look how classy I turned out. sigh.

Dave - I think some of the platteland guys, and more especially some of your destitute guys in die Kaap could out drink any Brit. Hell, some of those women with no front teeth in die Kaap look like they could out drink their own hubbies! But the more middle class girls in the platteland definitely are of your more conservative persuasion.

No tv in a club....what a blessing!! What genius!! All they show here is the dumb Fashion Channel. Except for the Colony - they keep their standards high with ETV porn!

Anonymous said...

Hectic! Good work stiring the pot in Rivonia. That damn place kills me. Those chicks wouldn't survive for one second at the Colony... huh!!

fly said...


Im a Benoni boy my dear...born and bred...and I got out of there as soon as I could.... :o)

I still love the place tho...its really pretty suburban living...great for a young family...otherwise its filled with pretencious twats that dont know any better...whats even sadder is that I went to school with most of them so I have to seem interested when I hear how the school bully still at the ripe age of 30, is trundling around beating the crap into some poor young soul... :o? some things never change...that and for some reason everybody knows your business...know matter how long you have been away from home...

I do have some great mates tho...all of whom now live either in JHB or CPT...also with the view of getting the hell outa there asap :o)

Champagne Heathen said...

O-D - I sure just do love stirring that pot!! And boy, is it SO easy! Sometimes the freaky types wander into Colony (Cos they hear it's the place to be, and then realise it is the normal crazy people's place to be...and run) and when they do I occasionally just accidentally crash into them on the dancefloor. Ah well, jammer vir hulle!

Fly - I think that mentality exists the world round. It def. exists amongst the people I was at school with. Still stuck in their worlds & images & groups from Std. 6. Ah well though....each to their own (What I am being made to repeat by concerned friends & family after the fight!!!)