Monday, December 11, 2006

For People On The Move

Cause I am a trusting sort of gal. And cause I like to cause shite. And well, cause as of December 1st I realised I officially have AIDS Work fatigue for the rest of 2006 & so I take my time getting to the office… I woke up this morning (in Siberia apparently! WTF happened last night. Did our little globe spin 180 degrees once I started to snoooze. Fall asleep in summer, wake up at midnight shivering & sobbing a little from extreme cold!) & thought, I am going to take the most direct route to work. The route that just so happens to pass through the pumping centre of Rosebank Gautrain chaos as of 00:00 last night.

As I said, I am trusting. I decided to TRUST the Gautrain organisers. I watched them over the last while cut all my gorgeous trees down. Paint brand new spanking white lines to direct traffic along the one-ways-to-be. Put up robots on Sunday morning, all in preparation for today. Over the past few months, I’ve been handed countless pamphlets, received newsletters & read 1001 articles on how things are gonna change in these here parts – to prep me & my nerves. Surely they know what they are doing. Surely it just might all go according to THEIR plans. Surely with half of Jozi out of town, Oxford Road now acting as a one-way will not take half the morning to get down. I had to find out for myself. Be an eye witness to this gamble.

I had a cup of coffee at home, just in case what was to be expected, expectedly arrived.

Half an hour into my experiment & not even 4 blocks along Oxford! I had my feet up on my dashboard, chilling, missing the weekly Monday morning office meeting. I was flicking between Gareth discovering not all S.A. girls wear panties, & Jeremy’s Christmas Wish, and I was sms’ing friends. Good times. Good C H A O T I C times!! This is gonna be one fun 3-and-a-half years!!

Me and the lady in the car to my right at one point had a joint chuckle. While the guy to my left in his beetle just had a joint.

It was when we got to Oxford/ Baker that true chaos ensued. The brand spanking new white lines might direct traffic beautifully. This would be if the amount of traffic joining up at such a intersection was like Pofaddersrus’ main road meeting its 1st Avenue. At midnight. On a Sunday. One truck started to hoot at one guy, asking him to move the f*ck out of the way. The guy started gesturing, “Sure buddy! WHERE??? I am in the middle of 8 lanes of directionless traffic!!!” …. I continued to chill (literally. Come back summer!! I still love you!!) & wondered how the guy in the beetle had gotten so far away. I could use some of what he was having.

The Gautrain motto apparently is “For People On The Move”. Enough said about what I think about the whole situation.

Over half a bluddy hour to move along 4 blocks. (Ok, maybe one more thing needed to be said).

The weekend was great. For the 1st time in three year, I saw a man who back then I believed I was in love with. We ignored each other at the Fri night braai until I took up my gutsy drunken typical role & sat down next to him for a chat. Cough. Chat. One of his friends disappeared fast, the other looked on in mild shock & confusion. My dear “friend” can remember more than I can about our whole past situation. Which left me shocked. And realising, thank you for being an immature spineless bastard back then & not having wasted my precious time & love cause I realise now how screwed up YOU are, not me. Good luck to his fiancĂ©. Yes, I am still just slightly unimpressed with & angry at him. He is still kinda cute though.

Then I finished a bottle of someone else’s wine and headed to a friend’s 30th. I arrived 3 hours late, after the spitted lamb had just been polished off. My friend wasn’t too happy with this. I went to the kitchen for some water. I turned the tap on, and the tap came off in my hand. Water was flooding everywhere. In a house packed with 50 plus people. I couldn’t turn the tap off. I couldn’t get the plug out of the packed sink. I was terrified out my half-drunken exhausted emotionally-upheaved mind on what on earth to do. Run. Find help and leave the water gushing. Stay & try to sort it out knowing full well I lacked any ability to. The Malawian maid who can’t speak any English somehow sensed my panic through the walls of the house. She rushed in. Sorted the problem out. Laughed. A lot. Gave me a hug. And never again will we mention this. That for my friend’s 30th I nearly drowned his abode.

The rest of the weekend was great. No sleep. A day-long Christmas party, ending when I found a space between presents & a carpet on my cousin’s couch to snoooze. No xmas presents bought yet. 3 course lunch at a friend’s restaurant while admiring a bachelor’s lunch at the next table. Ooooo, I could so be a bachelor’s friend if I get to attend events like that! No order brought to my new abode yet. Cocktail at Moyos. Good times.

Now I must go and prep for a 3 day meeting with delegates from around the world. You might hear less than nothing from me during this time. I have the very very important job of being rappateour. What’s that? …a glorified note-taker. F*ck. Do not think I did not less-than-mildly throw my toys when my boss approached me about this.

And do not think these rapping notes are not gonna require translating into English from hangover tired language. Afterall, it is now officially the festive season baby!


Anonymous said...

apparently people in traffic jams in woodmead don't share their joints - oh, the world would be a much happier place.

Daedalus said...


Champagne Heathen said...

Much much happier. I am now going to sit back and spend the rest of this cold exhausted day contemplating just that!

Hell, I actually think it is a brilliant idea. That the Gautrain guys SPONOSOR this. Joints with every pamphlet they hand out. No one would then be at all concerned with The People Not Moving!

Cat, you're a genius.

Champagne Heathen said...

Whah!?????? Are you just saying hi, Daeds??

Anonymous said...

Ooh sounds like so much fun. I wish I had as good an excuse for getting to work late. But alas, I don't.
We will miss you.... ;-)

Daedalus said...

uhuh, Shamoooo...
I simply have no comment other than "whah", cause what am I supposed to say about you sitting next to old flames and getting stuck in traffic then?

I am to scared to talk boobs here now ... plus the added pressure of being presumed gay by Revo.... :P

So Whah! LOL

Anonymous said...

Sounds like an interesting weekend. I have heard of people feeling extra strong after a few drinks, but removing taps :-)

Anonymous said...

Old flames, freezing weather, heated arguements, chilled commuters. You're really blowing hot & cold.

Peas on Toast said...

Hiya Champers
I was also going to bitch about the Gautrain closure/chaos this morning, but I'll save that for tomorrow. It's fucking crazy.

I'll be sure to pack some spliffs for the trips too. :)

Champagne Heathen said...

Jam - of course you will miss me, but I will sms you about how bored I am, and you can report that to the interested world ;)

I think if you live within Gauteng, you are at liberty to use the Gautrain as an excuse for everything! It is our 1 benefit for 4 years of chaos!

Daeds - did you just mention my boobs again!?!?

Guiness pigs - ha ha. You should just see me & my imagined new strength on brandy!

Kyk - all the cosmo articles tell me guys like it that way!

Champagne Heathen said...

Peas - excellent! I'll see you & your little VW at the corner of Oxford/Baker tomorrow morning for a joint chilling session. Excuse the pun. Maybe.

Daedalus said...


Champagne Heathen said...

Daeds, the one sound man!! he he he :P

Daedalus said...

*Set blog to stun.
*Zap Shampoo one in the comm port!

Anonymous said...

So the chaos in oxford is that mad? Think I need to plan anther route. Got to go through there tomorrow.

Mental note. Keep Champs off brandy. Who knows what plumbing might be next.

Champagne Heathen said...

Daeds - you just zapped me where now?!?!?

Guinnie - it will calm down in the next while. It depends on what time you are going to be in that area. But if you can, I highly recommend you avoid that route for now!

....I was talking about the Gautrain in Rosebank btw, not about me & plmbing & brandy!

Daedalus said...

The Comm Port .... it is a little female plug at the back of your PC :P

Anonymous said...

You, plumbing and brandy. I can see this going off topic at a rapid rate ;-)

Champagne Heathen said...

You zapped me in my female port!??!?! Bluddy hell, that would hurt!! Ow! you bastardo!

Guinnie - yes, unfortunately they have trained me too well around here. We try to see how quickly things can "go off", but one must always stay with the topic!

Itsnopicknick said...

Yes, who stole the sunshine? You seem to have boundless energy at this time of year (???) and if the tap's anything to go by, then superhuman strength too!

Anonymous said...

errrr, what were we talking about again?

Anonymous said...

gu was a stutter from Guiness hog

Daedalus said...

Erm, how do I reboot the internet?
ShampooHeaven seems to be hanging.

fly said...

Champs.. :o)

If you are in the Midrand area for your delegations thing you must pop in and say hi ;o)

For some bizarre reason a lot of delegations things happen in Midrand ?!

Champagne Heathen said...

Spoon - boundless energy!?!? I do?!? I am trying to actually maintain a vertical posture today I am so tired. And I am not succeeding too well.

Guinnie - we're talking about plumbing & my routes. And let's not forget Kyk's comments on "You're really blowing hot & cold".

Daeds - the internet is as grouchy & slow as me today!

Thanks fly! I know, those govenment guys love to hang out there. We're just keeping it small, in this area, so luckily no highways for me! ...just the dear Gautrain road! yeah!

Anonymous said...

Champs, sorry I was just plumbing the depths, or should that be punning?

Blowing hot and cold.... Not going there for fear of loosing a faucet.

Think I left my brain somewhere this weekend. So much for the buffalo theory.

Fly is the African parliament still sitting in Midrand?

Unknown said...

The whole Gautrain thing is a big balls up. If our current trains weren't so shitty because of BEE, then maybe they wouldnt have to destroy the last remaining beauty within the beast of a city! Thing is, Joburg is huge - you take the train, land at station and oh dear, need to walk to your destination. Not a good idea if you know Jozi like I do.
Take a taxi? The last white person I spoke to who took a taxi had his pockets emptied and was tossed from the moving vehicle. Call me a pessimist but the ANC are a bunch of stupid-heads.

Anonymous said...

we were going to have to take a step towards actual public transport eventually. even in Boston of the mighty US the subway system was 10 years and millions over budget. so well see...

female ports... tee hee

Champagne Heathen said...

Guinnie - Buffalo theory?!? Where the weakest braincells get killed off. You just have to give the herd time to readjust to the new size. You'll be good & thinking faster within the day.

Lolls - a lot of anger for the poor little train! I don't think Spoornet's demise can be blamed on BEE, I think the problems were there LONG before.

As for taxis...what type are you talking about? Your usual cabs I often use, especially with drinking & driving. 'Mini taxis' - i often see people of all ages & races using them.

The buses are around & need to better market their services, routes & systems so we feel confident enough on how to use them... without ending up in Magaliesberg instead of Alberton, or something.

The good thing is the transport systems are there. They now need to be enhanced 500%. And we, the public, do need to offer patiences & understanding through it. That won't stop me chuckling away at it all though!

So, as cat says now, we are busy taking that first step in the right direction...

Anonymous said...

Hey cat.
Are you refering to the big dig
That goes down as one of the great engineering disasters for so many reasons.
Recently a woman got killed when a concrete slab dropped from the roof. Apparently they used a non standard way of fastening the bolts. Guess that is what happens when the work goes either to the lowest bidder, or a friend of a friend.

Think the Gautrain might follow in the same league? :-)

Anonymous said...

Champs, I am afraid I might have thinned the heard out too much. The say that fish is good for the bain. Think it is time for sushi. (any excuse for sushi I say).

Agree! just blaming BEE is not really constructive. Besides just look at who heads Transnet ;-). Next people are going to use that to justify something equally silly (bare foot kitchen and all that).

Also say nothing wrong with taxies, but then Champs you and I both have a need for speed. said...

If I was still in Joeys, I'd be coming in from Midrand.

Anyway, will someone please remind me of the nice luvvie stuff we S African men are supposed to say to S African wimmin.

I cannot recall much beyond "How many beers must I suip before you look screwable to me"!

Geniet jou Maandag!

Champagne Heathen said...

Rob - I look screwable to you now!! How many beers have you had?? ...dodgy dodgy boy.

And, as always, just reminding humble shy me of how incredibly gorgeous I look & sound and that you would be ever adoring for the rest of your natural life just to have me around blah blah blah...that'd do!

Or just go & resay all of the comments from here again...

Guinnie...see I am all for being bare & the kitchen. The pregnant part not so much yet. Or did you mean I was meant to be cooking when in the kitchen!

Anonymous said...

Hey never went into details of what goes on in the kitchen ;-)

As for cooking, hmmm what kind of cooking did you really mean?

Anonymous said...

hey guinness p(-:
the big dig - that was the one. how scary. seems someone was punting that unconventional bolt company. suspicious.

but champs maybe we SHOULD catch a bus to magaliesburg, share a joint and make a detour past a sushi joint. mmmmm... JHB sounds great

Anonymous said...

Hey Cat.

Watch this space

I can't imagine how much sushi I would eat after a joint. My addiction is so bad that when I walk into the local sushi joint they start making my usuals :-)

Anonymous said...

lol... that sounds familiar. in fact i can feel the need coming over me....

gotta run. bye all

bye sweet champs

Champagne Heathen said...

What have you guys been up to in here!??! Talking about sushi like that. Man, now I almost feel the need for sushi, but it is a touch too cold.

Yo, Guinnie, all I am telling you about my kitchen exploits is that, well, I like to eat coco pops while in the kitchen. And don't you dare try to destroy the innocence of coco pops!

Bye my darling Cat! I hope you find sushi! Or a kind neighbouring car today in traffic. Maybe one day I will see you in Magaliesberg!

Anonymous said...

Almost feel like Sushi. You make is sound like the ice age is upon us. Think you need to go for sushi and debunk the myth :-) Never too anything for sushi.

Coco pops! Well I will keep my comments to myself then. Would not want to shatter that innocence.

What I find quite interesting is that there is a ? on box :-)
Yes another link with monkey in it. Are you brave enough to look?

Champagne Heathen said...

Listen monkey boy! I am scared of Monkey PEOPLE! not monkeys. Monkeys as monkeys are cool. They rock.

You ALMOST feel like sushi?? You don't LOOK like sushi. ha ha ha. Crack myself up!

Man, I so want to go home and not be doing what I am doing now...some stranger's budget! What on earth do I do again!?!?!

Anonymous said...

Sorry my bad. So let me get this right. You only scared if people look like monkes, and not monkeys in themselves, or people that act like monkeys?
In that case you can look at this link

I can see its getting late ;-) Some people have likend me to sushi though. i.e. raw, now I crack myself up.

Budgets? Just follow the Yingeni school of accounting. That way you can make it worth your while. Be careful that you only use initials (a lesson from the Shaik school of business)