Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Cause everything little things gonna be allraaaight

January is like the asshole month of the year. The colon, if you will. December might be the last month of our Gregorian Calendar, but with Christmas and pagan festivals all scrunched into those 31 days, December is more the liver-beating month than the colon.

This is the month where all the shite decides to come out. And every person ends up feeling “kuk”. Slow. Sad. Losers defined. Destiny questioning.

It is why UNISA does so well. This is the month where people resolve to really finally DO something with their lives! And taking yet another degree or course in some interior-design-metaphysical-astronomy seems like just the answer to save them from the blueness of excreting January.

What hope do we have – we keep asking ourselves subconsciously.

For the past two months you have woken up each morning & either thought, aaaah, summer holidays are on their way. I CAN get through this. Evenings are lasting longer step-by-step, and so are the cocktail happy hours. Indulgence builds up in the system as excuses abound.

Or you are waking up with the summer holiday very much on top of you, cuddling your happiness, maybe even nudging at it for a bit of morning glory attention.

And the next thing…. it is mid-January. You wake up thinking, “What’s today?? What do I have to look forward to?? I am not hangover, so it must be early-to-mid-week. Maybe I have a beach to look forward to?? Argh. No. I JUST returned from one.”

And the idea of eleven months of complete unknown, with a winter slap bang in the middle, a detox session half way through, weight from a year ago still clinging on, work deadlines put off to next year now being overdue, hobbies imagined still un-materialised all just become too much. Time is too long in January.

AND! AND! Now, in 2007, every damn news story is how we waited too long. Global Warming is upon us. And we’re fcked. January weather worldwide is always insane. But now the media is having a sensationalist field day in saying it is your sorry ass fault. YOU personally, having used spray deodorant since you were 13, have caused mudslides in bluddy Egypt & Vesuvius is about to burst its lava-encrusted banks (Kid you not. That was a story on BBC this morning).

I am unsurprised that my colleague appears so despondent at present. That even my eyes are feeling so dejected and refusing contact lenses, while my mind & body don’t even bother to battle one another out of bed. People’s posts & emails are one-lined and weep-worthy.

January Sadness was first pointed out to me by some Frenchman in Europe. He warned me of its dangers. I awaited through Christmas markets and mulled wine sessions with trepidation. But I realised that, oh how so so wrong he was, because January in Europe means one thing – open ski season! And life was good.

Now it is mosquitoes and heat. Work and deadlines. Job socialising events to build morale. Standing in two hour queues to explain to an untrained UNISA official in the suburb of Florida what Honours in International Politics means. Fighting with family because reality is glaring. And having NO option to apologise, or to suffer a far worse fate – and recognise your bank balance can afford you but an apartment in the ground floor of Ponte.

I have no help for you. Sushi always makes my world better. But now, apparently, we have overfished our shores, and there is a fish shortage. ….If nothing else, saying that after two glasses of wine makes me giggle like a fool. And if I cannot be anything else, I’d be happy to be a fool.

Where’s Bob

[But, hey, here’s an idea…go and get yourself tested: Please note that the HIV counselling offered by clinical psychologist Khumo Seopela will resume in the new year. The counselling is offered free of charge at the Sunday Times offices at 4 Biermann Ave, Rosebank, Johannesburg, on Saturday mornings between 9am and noon. To book a session for , please fax (011) 280-5151, or e-mail counselling@sundaytimes.co.za Bookings will be taken on a first-come, first-served basis. The sessions will take place in private.]


Peas on Toast said...

Ah Champs - yours and my brain have definitely merged today. Losers of note!

Perhaps I need to start planning my next holiday..sigh. January is endless...as is Feb....March...

Yours in losers,

Insane Insomniac said...

Open skiing season? Europe? Don't make me laugh!!! There's barely been any snow! Greenland is actually, well, green for a change!

you know, up here we get a little thing in end Jan called SDD (sunlight deficiency depression) so when it comes to a sucky new year - Europeans win!

muddlepuddle said...

Champs I am so sorry to say this but I laughed the entire way through that post.
I'm not laughing at your misery or the collapse of the world as we know it, but, well, well written chick.

I on the other hand feel fabulous - I of course had no holiday, worked like a dog all the way thru, and now find myself getting thru the work week by dreaming about lying in the sun on a saturday and sunday at home with the dogs and a box of fags! But I must say I have fallen into a rather strict eating and gymming regime which is perhaps why I feel I haven't quite lost control yet.

Chin up babycakes, holding thumbs that it all improves for you
(ps sorry I laughed but u really r funny)

Champagne Heathen said...

Peas - at least I know I have company. I have planned my next holiday. It is far far far far far away (April).

Yes. No hope. Maybe a cocktail. Nope. No. I am thinking of even steering clear of alcohol. DAAAAAMN THIS MONTH!

Insanity - yeah, I decided to not even go into the europeans' chaos at present with even ski season being stolen from you all by Global Warming. GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!

Muddle - ah thanks! If I made you laugh, then I get to smile in pleasure. So laugh away! Ja, see, it's the no holiday thing that keeps you going. The rest of us fools have lost our momentum. We are the slack guys that had one too many at the half way house. This is why i never got into golf!

Anonymous said...

Everything is gonna be awwwwwwrriiiiigggght.
I'm not too sure if this is working.
Yours in misery
The fire goddess

Champagne Heathen said...

You gotta have his sweet voice singing it to you over your iPod or the such. It's all about Bob's voice!!

Phlippy said...

OMG your blog is the highlight of my day now - LoL. Seriously I love reading your stuff. Aside, you are 100% correct, it is amazing how everything is always a rush at the last minute to scramble back what we have so irresponsibly squandered. So so sad. I like the idea of waking up in the morning nudging your partner for some morning lovin' always good times!

Anonymous said...

Man, I am so glad you aren't a colonic irrigation specialist.

Champagne Heathen said...

Phlippy - AAAH! Thanks!! You're gonna make me blush!

Good to know I made you smile...and think nostaligically on morning risings! And no need to let me know how recent the nostaligic memories were remembered from!

Champagne Heathen said...

Indeed Kyk - what a shitty job that would be!

Phlippy said...

ROFL - no response to recentness of nostalgia.

fly said...

You wear contact lenses ???

Urk said...

global warming...? err.. partly my bad. I was a HUGE fan of Brut (Faberge) while I was a fat kid - tended to sweat a lot and masked it with that wonderfully cheap scent. my bad...my bad..

Urk said...

my bad my bad my bad **hitting forehead in desk** all my bad

Champagne Heathen said...

Fly - I do indeed! Not right now. Right now I am wearing glasses. Ooooo, that sexy repressed librarian look!

Urk - it'll be ok. Well it won't actually. Not according to glbal reports. But you can stop banging your head. I reckon some guy driving his car too often to the corner shop in Bangladesh can also be blamed along with your former Brut activities!

See, several of us are all at fault!

Plus, rumour on the radio this morning has it that lightening creates O2...so we all just need to go and stand with iron rods in thunder storms & attract more jiving electrons earthwards!

fly said...

Ooooo....The sexy pressed library look ??? What you pressed against ???


As for global warming...I blame it on the americans...nobody has contributed as much toxic waste to this planet as they have...

Champagne Heathen said...

Hey! Fly! You just keep your dodgy fantasies out of this here clean blog commenting spot ;)

Yeah, I tried to steer clear of the American blaming for today. Give them a break & all from constantly having their egos smacked about. But along with dear Urk, and that Bangladeshi, I think they assisted a bit!

Urk said...

former? CURRENT! haha. I will sacrifice the ozone layer for another day of brut waft.

Champagne Heathen said...

I have to agree. Nothing quite like a waft of Brut!

Meanwhile, somewhere in my commenting about lightening I meant that it creates OZONE. Not OXYGEN. Plants create that. Not that there will be any left following the demise of OZONE.

Itsnopicknick said...

I do love your visuals. I so agree with you, to the point where I feel my very own bowel movement coming on...

fly said...

I've been reading a lot of National Geographics lately...the damage they have caused is incredible and they just dont know when to quit...

Trust me, the americans need no sympathy.


Very amusing, if not a little frightening...and these guys are our superpower ?!

Champagne Heathen said...

Thanks for that Spoon. I think.

Fly - Aaaah, not anymore. Now we are slowly getting an even more environmentally aware super power...CHINA!!

We're so screwed.

No, actually, apparently they are quite good with their environ-friendly policies. So their economists tell me!

fly said...

yeah I know....now who would I rather have run the planet... :o? better the devil you know I guess...and it really pains me to say that..

Revolving Credit said...

Fuuuuug - loser complex, PMS depression, sexual frustration

What the hell is going on in Blogland today. I go off to do a litle bit of work and return to Prozac Central.

Apparently January is to blame because you
a) drank too much
b) ate too much
c) spent too much
d) Partied too hard
e) didn't sleep enough
f) didn't shag enough

What Jan does is give you time to reflect (all that kak you did before new years) on what you did or didn't do.

You're feeling shit now because you didn't have time, were to drunk or just didn't give a rats ass about things in 2007. Now after rest and reflection your guilt in depressing you.

Well guess what, it's done, past finito...so move on , it's too late to change what was and think about what will be.

So I expect to see 500 words on what renegade activities you plan to partake in and what mayhem you plan to sow, on my desk by 8:00am Monday morning, young lady.

the end.

Cookie Monster said...

Good Lag, very true that is!

Daedalus said...

Erm, you doom-profit you

Champagne Heathen said...

Fly* - i reckon the devil that is still trying to make you think he ain't the devil...I'd put my global environment cash on China right now.

Rev - But I've got a sick note for Monday!!
If you were here in Week 1 of 2007 you would've already read such tales & fantasies...

CookCola!! Hello!!! Welcome back!! You are back? Or just passing through?

Daeds - eellllllllooooooooooo! Now to just get paid for this skill!