Wednesday, January 10, 2007


Every once in awhile this subject needs to be broached. Reflected on. And perhaps conclusions can be made. All I can conclude at this moment in my life is that men, dear men make my head hurt.

Men, I do not get. I definitely live in some parallel world to reality. Men are kings of the double entendre. And I have realised they are not entendr’ing in the ways I thought or was told about.

I once was involved in a “relationship” that was near perfect. I lived in Jo’burg. He lived by the coast. We both owned mobile phones with the ability to send sms’s and make phone calls. Two things he ever communicated with me shook me to my bones (ok, fine, but the other times were in a much more pleasant way).
1. I know that if we lived in the same town, we would be in a wonderful long term relationship.
Cough. Splutter. Na Aaa, honey. It works so well now because “it” is very much one-dimensional in character. Hell, I barely know your last name, let alone our compatibility chances.
2. I am sorry to hear about your family member’s death. Why do you not come over to my hotel so I can comfort you?
Sorry honey, but sex and mourning together just do not do it for me.
I never heard from him after that sms.

One month he seems convinced we are set for marriage. The next, he is reaching for new lows to get himself to new highs.

A man who very much should not be contacting me, calls, leaves messages, asks when we are next going for drinks. In a hurt tone he questions if I am avoiding his calls. I sit wondering if he happened to forget about his reality. He does not phone for months, and when he does, and I miss his bi-quarterly call he treats me like I am the distant hard-playing bitch in this situation. Over drinks he will then explain his vision of “us” to me. It resembles the previous example. Detached. Both well aware of the meaninglessness of it all. And how our meaningless will continue for years and years to uh…cum. And I order another bottle of the best, change the subject, & watch his wallet deflate.

They beg me to fly over a continent to see them, to resume what we had before, to then tell me several hours after arrival that they are still hung up on their girlfriend an ocean away.

They score me. Fight with me. Try to bed me. Tell me they are gay. Try to bed me again. Tell me I am great in the sack. And that they have finally worked up enough courage to come out of the closet to their folks.

They come to visit, yet never call.

They know I am desperately attracted to them. Might even say they are too. Yet tell me about other women they are awed by. Or just forget to act on their supposed attraction. Or give the scared speech. (Help me, but that one grates my bones!)

They promise visits and champagne. And do so monthly promise. Flights, I have learnt to suppose, remaining unbooked.

They buy me a tequila as a stranger at the bar in a sober state, and the next time I run into them, they look down and barely mutter Hi.

They call up for drinks as friends. Like we have always been. And we act as the friends that we were before. They promise me the world, knowing full well from experience that the world accepted does not cause me to shag them. And I forget my bracelet on the nightstand. While they forget the entire friendship there, it seems.

They take me drinking. And act ready. And pull back. And call again, asking when we are next going out.

Men arrive. Men leave. And I am left reflecting from a very confused stand point. They offer no advice on what attracted them. Or what suddenly made them cold. Some return months or years later, trying to resume things. Like I am still a sucker for their poor game plays.

And I know the game. I know the rules full well. But the men who attract themselves to me seem to break every logical rule. They never follow the book. Even friends and advisers are left baffled. My experiences become infamous.

Maybe I have bad breath. Or am shite in the sack. Maybe my conversation skills are too poor. Or I am too intense. Perhaps I border on stalker. Or am too easy. Maybe I hear what I want to hear, and not the reality. Perhaps I drink too much. Or am too overweight. I show too little interest? Or make the perfect mate, rather than the perfect partner.

Sometimes I consider demanding enough respect to have some questions answered. But we have moved on, or they are still playing too many games for straight responses.

And while I still believe most of them are wonderful, even those that treated me like shite, I have learnt to stand up against such silliness. Over time we end up as great friends. And while this is gorgeous and satisfactory, it does not often allow for bone-shaking satisfaction.

Or a clear head.


ChewTheCud said...

Maybe you're just too perfect for men altogether champers. Have you thought about women at all? ;P

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A: They don't have time

Peas on Toast said...

Well written post Champs.

So I'm a serial mongamist. Hells bells, I've been in a long term 6-year relationship, short 6-month ones, intense 3-month ones, you name it. And bottom line: I'm less closer to understanding men as I was when I was 13.

As about as close as they are to ever understanding me.

I give up. I highly recommend it - helluva less exhausting.

Champagne Heathen said...

Aaah, yes, Chews. This is what I have been considering!! The chances are high after all ;)

Women...gawd no, apparently they are worse than you lot!! The less admin the better thanks!

Maybe that is my problem...I am just too demanding in plenty of foreplay.

Champagne Heathen said...

Thanks for that compliment!

I do try to give up, Peas. But then once in awhile I suddenly think I have an inside clue...and run with it...and realise I am so far off track that I am left thinking again.

Maybe I should be more focused on figuring out how to stop thinking!

Anonymous said...

People seldom follow the scripts we write for them. This applies to both genders, but it's a lot more frustrating when there's an emotional component to it.

Anonymous said...

Which book are you referring to?
I didn't know there was one...

Last I heard there were no rules in love and war.

Champagne Heathen said...

Kyk - wise words indeed!
Perhaps I need to involve myself in more impromptu theatre!

Thegodowner - ohmygod your name is making me blush! Do I know you? Aaaaak! Now I am blushing more.

There are rules in war! Such organisations & institutions as the Red Cross & Internat. Criminal Court either depend or ensure these rules! And even before that there were rules!

There might not be a book, but there definitely is a Memo Of Understanding template out there somewhere.

Anonymous said...

nope, you dont know me.
Dont Panic!
But it's nice that you blush.
if you get hold of that Memo, I'd like to have a look at it...

Anonymous said...

Like Peas, I'm also a serial monogamist. And I simply don't get men either. I thought I was getting better at understanding them, but the more I think I get it, the more confusing it becomes.
Like at the moment. But that's another story, and maybe,just maybe it is only my problem.
But that's the thing about us women - we ponder on what is wrong with men, and then finally decide that there's something wrong with us when maybe it really just is them.

Champagne Heathen said...

The god owner (rather) - trust me, if I get that memo, I will be publishing it up asap!

Jams - good point! Maybe cause it is easier to figure ourselves out than these dear fools!

Phlippy said...

Nice one - thanks for the comment. No I did actually wax! And I don't know if SHE likes it yet, we'll have to wait and see ;-)
About your blog, nice one. I actually had to sit down with a few of my girlfriends one day and explain the mentality and thought process of a man. and it varies depending on the stage in their life - not age - stage. An interesting topic though. could talk about it for hours. Apologies on behalf of all decent men for your experience though.

muddlepuddle said...

Gad rowing this boat is bloody tiring innit Champs?
But on that note if there is one thing our species tends to do it's over-analyse things, whilst our counterparts keep it simple.
So what's plain as day to them fucks our brains completely.
Truth be told it's probably a combination of a bunch of things you mentioned there, and the person(s) whom the specific combo is going to work for just hasnt discovered you yet.
You see my problem is, I have sex with men very easily, because I can categorise it so well. So if it was just a shag then that's all it was and I can swiftly move forward.
BUT! If I felt a connection with the dude then the sex was just the added bonus and I dont focus on it because the in between stuff was soooo much more NB. But the truth is he's thinking Yeah..I got laid...he got everything he wanted so why follow up? Unless 10 days later he feels like getting ass again then the call comes...
Gotta learn to distinguish btw those who like just the cookie and then those who like the me!

If all else fails babe blame the Hulk. It works for me!

Champagne Heathen said...

Phlippy - Ouch! It is always recommended you get a professional to wax you the 1st time. Ouch! Ouch! But I am impressed you got through it if you did it yourself!

And thank you very much for the apology!

I think your blog will pose some answers to these confused thoughts we chicks are having on this subject! Keep it up! (No, not that, well you can keep that up too if you want. Hell, apparently all you need to do is think of a stapler!)

Muddles - 2 appearances in 2 days in a row here!! Wow!! Good!

I try to think simply. But that is not making any sense anymore. Friends? Sex? Relationship potential? Confused by saying & acting otherwise...Yes!

Yeah, I have been noticing your sudden distaste for the bulging hulk guy. Poor guy!

lordwiggly said...

Weeell I guess if I thought that the ladies were giving me a tough time, seems as if other young men are very busy giving ladies a hard time (excuse the pun).

Looks like youre not alone tho. Both genders seem relatively clueless about each other and I suppose it'll remain that way until we all reach that elusive higher level of understanding.

Anonymous said...

A man goes to a doctor and says:
Doc, I think my brother's crazy.
Why do you think that? askes the doc.
Cos he thinks he's a chicken. Replies the man.
Well, tell him he's not. says the doc.
I would, replies the man, but i need the eggs.

This is what Woody Allen compares relationships to in Annie Hall. I gotta admit, he has a point. We all want the eggs, so how much are we willing to overlook to get them.

Personally, i've given up on the male species and getting emotionally involved. I'd rather buy a cat. At least they don't send mixed messages/signals.

lordwiggly said...

Cats are cool, but I wouldn't reccommend becoming the "Cat Lady" either. And they do send mixed signals! Last night my sisters cat invited me to tickle his tummy and the next thing I knew I was bleeding profusely from my arm. And this cat only has one ball, so I can imagine how you ladies must be feeling about guys with two balls apiece.

But there are decent guys out there, I know at

Champagne Heathen said...

Hey L'Wiggly! Thanks for the blog visit! Not a hard enough time...if I do intend your pun.

I reckon that's the problem. Men are too clueless within their own heads. If they sorted their heads out a bit better, we could get some grasp & understanding on the whole thing. And I'd be happy!

And there are decent men out there, yes. I know, I have many as gorgeous friends.

Insanity - I am not really one for eggs though. Now a guy who thought himself Don Juan (I think I am plagarising an idea here)...

I have to own & be relied on by something as a replacement for not getting regular sex??? Not really a good trade off, if you ask me.

But yeah, cats are cool. Just limit the numbers to under 5 maybe. And the obsessive type love of them. = a "Cat Lady"

Revolving Credit said...

How many men are we talking about here or was this just one really fucked up individual.

You stated
'Or make the perfect mate, rather than the perfect partner'

This may be right on the money.
When you meet these guys do you exude potential 'mate' or potential 'partner'.
The roles are generally defined at initial meeting. Even if you become mates, if the guy have identified you as a potential partner, things may develope further, but if he has tagged you as 'mate', that may be pretty hard to reclassify after the fact.

Don't let sex confuse things. unlike women, guys coould shag just about anybody: partners, mates, enemis, strangers.

Buddha Belly said...

Perhaps you need to consider what you are putting out there and thereby what is being returned to you? Perhaps you are receiving exactly what you unconsciously desire...

It's very easy to throw our hands up in confusion. Not so easy to seek out our own answers...

Champagne Heathen said...

Rev - gawd, I hope there is not one man silly enough to be all those things!

And, exactly!
I think, in your stalking, you're gonna have to let me know what I exude. I am not too certain myself. I hope it is not always "Shaggable mate".

I used to be able to keep sex as meaningless & frivolous as I cared to. At this moment, it seems to have gone away. Not sure whether this is good or bad...but it is frustrating!

Hi BuddhaBelly! Thanks for visiting this here blog, and a gorgeous blog you have started there too!

It is not easy at all to search out our answers. They can be very scary & a slap in the face sometimes.

Yes, I wonder what i exude. And if this is connected to what I "want", whether out of desire or of fear of the other options.

But I also wonder if it is fair to only look at one's self in the situation. Other factors are at play, and need to be recognised. Men are one of the factors here.

Buddha Belly said...

The subconscious is a most mysterious thing and powerful too - who really ever wants to be unaware of themselves?
It's here where things tend to manifest, and therefore we question what we receive, we fail to understand it because we manage to keep it so hidden from ourselves.
Our own truth does not lie in others,so whilst they may influence a situation, they cannot influence that which emanates from ones self.
Thank you for the compliment on my blog
Love and light...

Champagne Heathen said...

BuddhaBelly - very hidden indeed. I am hoping some of this sub conscious info surprises me with a sudden visit!
Pleasure about the compliment, and one more, gorgeous new dimension to these comments!

# 302 said...

I think that you maybe ready to embrace this rather fine drink.

I call it the the vodka 'bad-boy':

Use the best vodka that you can find: I like two parts Polish (grain based) to one part Russian, add a dash of cocktail onion brine, a few ice blocks and give it a good shake.

Pour into a clear martini glass and splash in two cocktail onions.

Find some bossa nova and press play.

Welcome to martin club and Sante!

and be remembering this, "...Never say, Could have, Would Have, Should have, Don't explain, never Complain and..... Always mix your drinks!..."

further reading on the subject see: said...

Your problem is in choosing kak okes!

Stop it.

If you persist then I shall have to increase the rental for my virtual shoulder to cry on. Others are queuing up but I am keeping it exclusive for a while. OK?!

Champagne Heathen said...

Numero - while that sounds very tasty! it is not helping my plans of studying all night! Next week I will try to track Polish vodka down.

As for mixing my drinks - that I am queen at!

Robs - Easier said than done on choices! And you just keep that shoulder available, or else I will have to become a squatter and you just kick squatters out, by law these days!

Anonymous said...

Easier said than done? Oh what rot! There are plenty of guys that could rattle your bones in Cape Town. That is where the decent stock is. So meisie - op jou viets en Kaap toe!

Yebo Kaapstad!

And just so you know - my shoulder space is free to you 'cos you are so lovely and delicious and outrageously spectacular. I dig your ankles you lekker ding!

# 302 said...

i know all about those nasty january honours exams.

i'm watching the pool shutdown for the day with my father, drinking one of those bad boys for you and because i'm still in the midst of a pc rebuild.

so you'll re-write that post and stick a woo before every 'men' written and see if it has the same effect.

however i do see that you've got a shoulder and a new favourite drink, so it all looks fine from afar.

and if you make a list the academia blues suddenly becomes sequentially easier to accomplish.

Daedalus said...

Hmm things look different in here... ;)
You need not worry about me acting like them "men" you talk about ... you can just abuse me when you feel the need ;)
PS: I'll B back at work next week to come terrorise this blog again

sdfa sdfasdfadsf said...

Well, at least the converse is true too. We really don't understand females. Our rules are pretty simple:

1) If we like you, we won't want to bed you straight away. If we don't call or SMS, we are not interested. Do not run after us.

2) If we just want sex, we will not ask questions about you and your likes/dislikes.

Then, there's the whole treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen thing. I treated my ex girlfriend like a fucking goddess and I ended up being fucked over.

Then along came another girl, I treated her like an ass and she ran, and ran, and ran.

I just don't understand females. We should write books on this shit.

Don said...

Bone-shaking satisfaction is the spice of life after all.

Champagne Heathen said...

Rob - I'll have to start saving for that Cape trip! Although, I am almost certain the setting at some stage for some of these men was in the Cape. A well travelled gal I am!

(How does one tone & exercise their ankles??)

(Oh, and in that last comment to you I meant you CANNOT just kick squatters out these days)

Numero - how was the drink yesterday evening?? And yes, it seems I am being looked after well by a few of you sweethearts from afar. Thanks!

Daeds! - ja, hurry your asss back up to the office already! You like the new layout? And thanks for the offer!!

Kevin - No! See, those are the rules I KNOW. But you guys actually are not that simple. You like to believe so, but you defy this in my experiences. You start writing, I'll start writing from my side, and maybe we'll discover REAL answers in the process. And then become millionaires!

Don - Exactly. Without it, life does seem to become questionable!

Itsnopicknick said...

I broached a similar subject today on my blog but not quite so eloquantly. i think there's a shitload lost in translation between men and women. I think timing is key though...

# 302 said...

oh very good, how's the academia blues this morning?

Lucy said...

Ah this sounds sooo familiar. Every time I start to trust that a guy is being honest with me, and therefore I begin to reciprocate ... he completely betrays my trust and leaves me confused and not a little sad.

Hence, the new year's resolution to date (lots!) more men, and not get stuck in an intense one on one thing ...

... and so far so good, altho admittedly only 10 days in!

Champagne Heathen said...

Spoon - I definitely agree about both the translation issue and alot coming down to timing.

So do I move my watch forward or back??

Numbero - it sucks!! And is not being helped by a silly amount of work for the next 2 days, to ensure I can take 3 days off next week to write and study. Argh!

Dizzy - (I just can't keep thinking how to spell your name!) Here's to us & whatever 007 holds for us on this theme! Hopefully lots of good laughs & lots of good bone-shaking moments!

Anonymous said...

Could not agree with you more Mr K Cadman.

Am looking forward to the collaboration of Champs and Cadman. Lets hope it does not go the way of all collaborative efforts across the sexes ;-)

Champagne Heathen said...

Guinnie - some gorgeous things (note flashing arrows pointing towards me!) have come from collaborative efforts across the sexes!

We'll keep this one on a intellectual level only though.

Anonymous said...

Flashing arrow? Where? Oh...... :-)

Intellectual and sexual "collaboration", now that is an oxymoron if there ever was one.

Dan Lurie said...

As a man, I'm going to refrain from any comment. I do like the new look of the site though.

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