Wednesday, March 28, 2007

To Change?

I drink more than the average Jane. Possibly even more than the average Joe at times. I also am a loud flirtatious boundary-pushing gal. If I want to have fun, I find and/or create it.

Sometimes this means the world around me becomes one big fun laughable venue for celebration. Other times I have landed myself, and the situation, in a grand amount of trouble.

Sometimes an incident happens that causes me to stop and review – is this just who I am & I must accept it. Or are there glaring signs in the post-mortem of OTT situations saying I should, if not need to, change myself.

I have taken a degree of heed, and over the years I have cut down & controlled myself a fair deal, especially since those irresponsible Varsity days. Ask my Fidel friend, she has had to watch the transition to a calmer, more motionless Champs. And I think she says a quiet Thank You every night before bed.

But an element still exists in me that reigns in chaos.
And I am in love with this element and its results.

I have tried cold turkey Good Behaviour approaches. And then fallen off the wagon of Sober Rationality before it could even strike midnight. I kept sensing I was denying who I am. And it is such a gorgeous feeling when I go back to just letting myself be.

A result of all of this starts as some guys having admiration, but who eventually gain bitterness. I have listened to men tell me that they love that I am so carefree & wild. My crazy spirit is what attracted them. When I hear these statements I look at the man with weary eyes. I have turned to one or two of them and said, give it one week or one month & you will hate me for it. No no, Never! they doth protest, and try to snuggle in closer to a drunken me.

And a few weeks later they state on the drive home that they think I drink too much. Maybe I should go home at a reasonable hour. How could I just talk to that random stranger like that, or worse! then get into the stranger’s car & head to the next party. ….But this is who you met me as! This is how you met me! I met you through the exact same circumstances & you did not turn out to be a psycho killer. And you did not seem to mind in the slightest back then!

I see hypocrisy gusting through their words. And I see their newfound distaste of me glaring down their noses. Or, when we first met, did they rather see my “madness” as a “Chick That Needs Saving”. A Fixer-Upper. And so they hoped to capture me & put themselves to work on my being. But now they are being made to admit that I am one who refuses to be quelled, restrained, and have alterations done to me.

And so things end. And not on the first sweet happy note.

A recent incident prompted this rehash of thoughts and reviewing. “I drink. Sometimes too much. I do stupid things all the time. Some people accept and love this and me. Others leave it/ me”.

What I did not add, but I think is implied: This is the way I am & I ain’t changing for you. No matter who “you” are.

It hurts to type that. It looks so sad. Maybe even pathetic. Or perhaps strong? I can see what the easy solution-littered route will be, and I am turning from it, not having the first clue why.

But I have to stop & wonder – should I? We all joke about my drinking abilities & skill at landing badlam in my lap. But is it this that is hampering my abilities to be in a healthy relationship? Damn “healthy” actually. A relationship at all?

Will I always be the “fun” mate, up for everything, but stability & predictability? And if so, how much does this matter to me? What does this mean for me in the future?

Will I be the drunkard slag at the bar in twenty years, alone? Or the dutiful housewife, waiting for her hubby, while feeling so lonely? Or will I have blazed a trail? … leaving in my wake chaos, destruction, lessons learnt, and some great memories.

Perhaps rather, as I have been known to sms people like my Fidel after too big a weekend, maybe I should become a Fundamentalist Muslim. Then my husband would beat me if I drank.


Anonymous said...

What's your answer to yourself, Champs?
I find, as one get's older, there's a happy medium. It's not about changing for another. But rather, growing for oneself. After all, one cannot stagnate in the behaviour or attitudes of ones youth for oneself, not for others. It's got nothing to do with relationships with others. It's got everything to do with ones relationship with oneself. And I find with the kind of women we are, the fiercely self (and world) examining kind, moderation comes with age, as does a sense of forgiveness of the worlds sins, and gentleness.
Not to say one becomes resigned to things not changing. Fuck. this is turning into a long discussion with myself.
All this to say, don't worry. It's not about men. It's not about booze. It's about you and what you're questioning. What are you uncomfortable with, and why?

The xGW said...

promise me that when the skin on your upper arm starts resembling a limp and wrinkled chicken breast you'll start drinking in the comfort of your living room, then there's absolutely no chance of being the drunkard at the bar :) cheers girlfriend!

Anonymous said...

I just don't feel like you've reached a point in your life where you feel you need to settle - and that is a good thing. There will be a moment when it all changes and trust me, it does. It's not that you become tamed, it's that you become more sure of where you want to be in yourself and like HPF says, this has very little to do with other people.
Your chaos is indeeed a wonderful part of you - and a part that should be celebrated. But I also think that at some point there's going to be a negotiation between chaos and sanity in you. And neither will be denied, but both will inhabit a space in you that makes sense TO YOU. If these people don't like what they see, they're not worth keeping around. Anyone who wants to control you, considering who you are, is not right for you.
Love you just as you are.

Anonymous said...

Fly free Champers! If you were boring none of anything thats happened would have happened ;)

Anonymous said...

You are beautiful as you are.The main attraction is that you do not pretend to be someone you're not...and that's what I love about you.You are R.E.A.L.Real women are intelligent,loud, brave, outspoken, astute and funny, as well as kind, loving and supportive.You are all of that...and more...

We are all different,and people need to realize that.Enough of that idiotic 'boxing in',no doubt an easy thing to do...I always say everyone wears a different shade of 'cultural sunglasses'...accept it...or live in denial your whole life!

Be Real!Be you!Love you as you are.You're crazy,and do the maddest things sometimes,but at least you're YOU!!!Stay beautiful Champs!!!

Anonymous said...

Very deep for a non hungover state Champs! I must admit that I do sleep a lot better since you have calmed down a bit. I'm one of those people that love you just the way you are and especially love your free spiritedness and how you are up for anything, any time. I agree with hpf that it is about you and think the "calming down" you have experienced until now has had a lot to do with you respecting and loving yourself a bit more. And trust me there is a lot to love. So keep being you friend and people like me will be there next to you every step of the chaotic way.

Revolving Credit said...

But what do you want?
Until you've worked that out it doesn't matter what others think or what they try and do.

Champagne Heathen said...

HPF - thank you. I really like your comment. It rings so true & is some excellent advice. So these thoughts are like emotional growing pains?! I have to say, I like the idea of forgiveness & gentleness being on the horizon. And I'll think I'll keep the answer to your final Q to myself for now.

Your Truly - Ha ha ha ha ha!! Cheers to THAT!

Jamaloni - I have heard you say these things before, but I think NOW I get it! Well kinda. Obviously I'll only really understand, when I reach that place.

I think I also need to apologise about my behaviour to those around me. But rather I need to accept that the darling people who befriend & love me, accept this chaos in me, for good and/or bad. Does this all mean it is meant to be ME who needs to accept my chaos!?! Hmmm....

Chews - Too true, and recently most things that have happened have been great!

Chikita Nickita - Thanks babe!! Loved all you had to say. And yes, you have seen me go through one of the hardest stages of really having to battle with staying true to crazy me while those around me were completely opposite & thought I was a loon. Good times.

Darling Fidel - Yeah!! Wonderful to be reminded at times! And Love ya muchos!

Rev - I don't know what I want. I don't think. That's why I have to keep up this reflecting, and then forward searching, then reaffirming. I'm just trying to figire my basics out.

Anonymous said...

You can never deny who you are. And that means loving all parts of yourself, whether those things are good or bad. You cannot change who you are, but you can always modify your behaviour if YOU want to. I always think there's no reason to change unless you feel for some reason that you need to! Chaos is probably part of you - the part of you that makes you act crazy but it's also the part of you that allows you to be creative, to produce gorgeous blog posts, to live life with passion. All sides of ourselves have good and bad in them. It just depends on how we choose to respond to those sides of ourselves.

Anonymous said...

You can never deny who you are. And that means loving all parts of yourself, whether those things are good or bad. You cannot change who you are, but you can always modify your behaviour if YOU want to. I always think there's no reason to change unless you feel for some reason that you need to! Chaos is probably part of you - the part of you that makes you act crazy but it's also the part of you that allows you to be creative, to produce gorgeous blog posts, to live life with passion. All sides of ourselves have good and bad in them. It just depends on how we choose to respond to those sides of ourselves.

Anonymous said...

"...This is the way I am & I ain’t changing for you..." sounds a bit like "No compromises ever" to me. Does compromise necessarily translate into weakness? Is a dogged determination not to change a case of being true to yourself, or is it a sign of inflexibility? Is it reasonable to expect a healthy relationship to emerge from an unbalanced foundation?

Anonymous said...

Regarding the above - I don't know the answers. These are just questions I've had to ask myself.

Champagne Heathen said...

Jam - excellent point!

Kyks - But exactly!! When am I being doggedly stubborn and when am I being true to myself? My friends comments here have assured me that I am not about to end up alone anytime soon for my chaotic element, so for now I am cool.

And don't even get me started on the concept of "compromise" -
'You'd calm down for me & the stress it causes me. If you love me you don't want me to be stressed' versus 'If you love me, you will accept me for me, good and bad sides all in one'.

Compromise from both sides has to take place for a relationship to be healthy, whether between lovers, parent & child, friends, sibling (all cases of when I have been faced with this dilemma). But who compromises for the other??

Anonymous said...

Compromise means you both move from your dogged, determined position to a point in the middle that makes sense for both of you. It's not a case of one person or another budging, you both need to work...

Peas on Toast said...

It's so funny Champs - I think you mirroered my exact thougths today sunshine.

Chat over a drink sometime? ;)

Phlippy said...

Good post angel, insightful and what a lot of people think but do not say. Good luck wth life you crazy monkey, you're still fantastic value and special beyond words.


Itsnopicknick said...

Only you know that or perhaps need to make sure that you act that way for those reasons and that you're not fooling yourself. I'm of the opinion you should change for no-one but yourself, so as long as you're true to yourself that is enough and should be enough for anyone in your life. I think you should continue to blaze a trail as long as it makes you genuinely happy. I have found that many people will try to quell that fire because their fire can't blaze strongly enough alongside and they feel inferior.

Anonymous said...

I am sure that a day will come when you will say....Hooold it, I don't enjoy this anymore!
When it comes you will be able to move on and take pleasure in a new style of behaviour. Let us know when/if it happens!

Her Infinite Cuteness said...

this is what i have been thinking of late, and after most nights out i constantly think i need to calm down, only to repeat same disorderly behaviour. begin to wonder if ones view of themself can be so wrong, so far from reality....
and if u drinking at the bar at 40, look to your right, i might be right there with you... however i dont see u heading in that direction.

Champagne Heathen said...

Jam - argh, that sounds like very un-single behaviour. Argh.

Peas - yes, a drink sometime would be good. But maybe just ONE...bottle of wine. You're gorgeous the way you are too, so we won't change together then!

Phlippy - Thanks babe!! And smooches back to you.

Spoon - that's what i have to keep checking - if I am not fooling myself, and am truly happy with how things are. But my mates all have great mighty fires blazing next to mine - I don't want to outshine, I want to boost them up too.

Garth - welcome back! I haven't seen you here in ages. You guys will definitely be the first to know! But I think it might be more gradual than that, and you might have to point it out to me.

Cuteness - I don't even think I need to calm down. I know this is me & I am happy this way. I think for a while, back in the day, I used to feel the guilt of others' disapproval & keep thinking that I should calm down, but never managed to. Something one day made me stop giving a fck about faceless society's disapproval of me.

But I do have to worry sometimes, if I am the one living in disillusion. Which is when such posts are prompted.

Great to hear that I have company!

Anonymous said...

Champs, that's very human behaviour. As you mentioned, there is often compromise with friends, family...

Champagne Heathen said...

Yeah, but Jam, my friends & family have battled with me for years, till finally my friends learnt when & how to dictate to me & I simply abide without thought, while my bros just had to beat it into me (I joke), but with family it was not easy finding a middle ground.

Anonymous said...

Hey Champs. You DO drink too much, take it from someone else who used to. And so does nearly everyone you know. We all do out here inthe African sun.
And if you want to figure out the real you, try staying sober for more than a month and you'll find who you are, and you'll also find that being drunk isn't part of who you are, its just what you do, and learn the interesting distinction!
THEN you can party and drink and be whoever you want. But trying to assert that "this is who i am" from a drunk perspective is like arguing that the world is flat.

Anonymous said...

It's possible the only change you need is a good shag or two or three.
Drinking like a fish without a bicycle should allow that fairly regularly? (Hopefully on your own terms).
I think you've stumbled onto something wondering whether drinking affects your relationship abilities.

Any which way or road you choose is the right one at that specific point in time. Whatever...

Anonymous said...

Ah the sweet essence of wahoo! I say let your inner imp run free. Fuck the naysayers.