Wednesday, May 23, 2007

No, you can be mine!

The Art to being The Wingman.

I can’t say I’ve perfected it. That silent support. The gentle nudging together of a mate and their object of momentary attraction. Followed by a stealthy departure for them to “get better acquainted”.

Apparently my sudden, “Oh gotta go…uh…over there….uh…to stand in that corner….yes yes, on my ace, no, I enjoy my own company sometimes…ok, I’m going” disappearances are not as subtle as I picture them to be. I leave my mate and their hotness more awkward than if I’d just continued as the bicycle’s unneeded third wheel. My attempts of winging in fact expose their bad flirting attempts, & doom them to failure.

I do not just break the ice, I blowtorch it away from under their feet.

And who can come back from that with any dignity.

But then again, I am a chick who turns to a guy after his fifteen minutes of effort on me and says with a chuckle, “Are you hitting on me?”. [he he he – one way to topple an arrogant man!].

But occasionally I get it right. [I can almost feel one of my mates reading this post thinking, “This had better not be leading to a story I think it is heading to!” Naaa, I wouldn’t do that to you… I fear your wrath!]

Take the other week, in a pub, when an ex snog of hers bolsters through the door and suddenly he is buying us drinks and chatting chatting. I watch the scene unfold with lacking effort from both sides.

And so the Wingman status is called into action….

It is me who takes his number, “So, hey, you must come to such-and-such an event. I’ll give you a shout about it. Uhhh, just remind me of your number....”.

Chat chat random chat. More drinks. Occasional back touching noted.

Champs is suddenly intrigued in her phone for ages with very important sms’s….this makes her unable to engage in this conversation with the two… mainly sms’ing mates saying, “Wake up already and entertain me. I’m playing wingman. PHONE ME! URGENT! If you call now, so-and-darling-so is gonna get laid. PHONE!”.

Chat chat random chat. More drinks. Back touching has increased to lingering looks between the two. Maybe a head occasionally rested on the other’s chest or head. But still in the pretence that it is a friendship touch.

Wingman Champs: “Uhhh, it seems your mates are going. And we’re still keen for another drink. I’m sure we can give you a lift home. Well, not me, I’m not the driver. But your house is on the route home for so-and-darling-so from my house”. (Obviously a complete lie and all three of us know this. It is at least a 10 minute back track. But a wingman’s gotta do what a wingman was born to do…). Oh is that my phone ringing….”

All in all. I am owed much thanks for my excellent efforts the other night, several weeks back. I have learnt well. My efforts have gone from being as stealthy as Tom Cruise on an Opera show to James Bond getting the girl from a leisurely stroll out of an ocean.

So….How was the date the other night, my so-and-darling-so friend?! He he he.


Koekie said...

hahaha! I am NOT a wingman. I am a bulldozer. I have been known to shove my way in between a cosy couple to inquire what they're talking about. Or to prance around in front of them pretending to be cupid and drawing drunken hearts in the air. Oddly enough, my friends (both male and female) have a much better scoring rate when I'm not around...

Her Infinite Cuteness said...

o my word, i am a useless wingman!! mind u my mates dont really need a wingman, they do pretty well all on their own. so in reality IM the one who is need of a decent wingman... hmmm i believe i have just had an epiphany. dammit!

Anonymous said...

I am the world's best wingman! (champs! I challenge you to a wing-on-wing!)

however, the aftermath is rather in , a week later

friend calls me:
how could you not warn me the person you so blatantly FORCED me on is a psycho? they haven't left my house for a whole three days...and they're!

me: shrugs. says " well, if you're gonna pick them up at the bar at the jolly/ red room/ wherever we found them"

...but they always score, they're just not always happy about it...

Unknown said...

I an suddenly a tree falling in a roudy, debouched and crowedd forest.

Did you hear it?

Champagne Heathen said...

Koeks - THAT'S why I have never come right when we were out together. I passing all the blame onto you!

Cuteness - I'll help you out. I am keen to perfect this skill! And I think you might have helped me one night, so I think that I might owe you...

HPF - remind me to never employ you as my wingman! A challege it shall be though! Who are we winging for though?
And you sound like a mate of mine who forced & shoved me into going to speak to some hot guy. 5 minutes into the convo & the guy was trying to sell me on a pyramid scheme! 3 hours later & we were still talking outside the now-closed club - except not in a good way. We were having one MASSIVE argument. I was telling him that he was a gullible dumbass & he was telling me I was naive to think you cannot get rich FAST. All in all, a bad experience.

Robert - not at the moment it falls, but the photos the next morning will show that it did.

Revolving Credit said...

So now we all know how you perform as a wingman, but who acts as your wingman??

or are you another wingless wonder?

Her Infinite Cuteness said...

hmmmm im such a good wingman, im not even aware of my talent and stealth-wingman-like behaviour....
u owe me nothing angel i think rev got it right, you are a wingless wonder. but u are welcome to practice this skill with me anytime :)

Champagne Heathen said...

Rev, considering that all my mates often complain that I a dark horse about who I score, and prefer to keep it out of the circle of mates...I'd have to say I must do it wingless.

Maybe I should test this wingman thing!

Cuteness - Great! We'll organise. It is time we hooked up for some chaos anyway!

DaveRich said...

I need a good wingman! Please mail me your C.V's to the usual address and dont forget to include previous kills, succesful missions and crash and burns.

Anonymous said...

The term tiki is applied to carved human figures generally, both by the Maori and by other Polynesians. The name possibly has some connection with the myth of Tiki, the first man created by Tane. On the other hand tiki or tikitiki is also a general term for carving in many parts of Polynesia, as, for instance, in Niue, where the Tiki myth is unknown and human figures were not carved. In New Zealand, however, tiki is usually applied to the human figure carved in green stone as a neck ornament. The full name is hei-tiki.

Anonymous said... was good for me, bad for him. To summarise I got to watch the second half of the champions league, alone on my couch, just like I planned (except that the wrong team lost, again!!!). 10 points for your effort though! Glad you fear my wrath!

Heddles said...

I left the best wingbitch I ever had in London. Damn she was good. She should go into event planning.

Good job Champs.

noodle said...

There definitely is an art to being a good wingman. I am single again after many years and find the whole hooking up thing a bit foreign. So picking the right partner-in-crime can make or break your evening…
I think you should write a 10 point guide to being a good wingman (or is it wingnut?)

noodle said...

OMD, I have just found the funniest 'wingman' definitions on…

Anonymous said...

Hmm... I wonder which opera Tom would sing in? Puccini's 'Tosser', probably.

Anonymous said...

I've witnessed your wing woman operations in action. Daunting...

Champagne Heathen said...

DaveRich - I am still in training, but if you are willing to hire the skills of a novice then watch your postbox! Thanks for taking a risk on me sir, I do hope to live up to expectations!

Danniella - I am confused, but I did find it FASCINATING!

Anon - I don't think you give me a choice BUT to fear your wrath! Good to know the date went kinda well, from a wingman's point of view that is...that it took place!

Heddles - is she ever visiting Jozi?? I might employ her for a night at this rate!

Noodles - I'll go & inspect Urban Dictionary just now. I am not sure I am ready to write the 10 points yet, but I will start investigating and honing my skills.

We might be onto a whole new multimillion "For Dummies" book idea here!

Kyk - I fear to imagine his singing abilities!

Jams - You have?? AAAAA Yes! Now I recall. HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHHA. He he he. You make a pretty good wingwoman yourself! Which reminds me... I have a model to call back!

Mr Memetic said...

I had two wingmen once.

Two? Two. I thought it would improve my odds of success. About six years ago there was a club called Full Throttle (it wasn't a gay club - I'd visit gay clubs, but my only motivation for going there - to get guys to buy drinks for me - would require a squadron of

Anyway, we arrive at full throttle, and Iceberg suggests we talk to the three girls on our right, on the dance floor, close to the DJ booth.

So we move in. The girls all looked at us and smiled, but suddenly Maverick tensed up.

"Russkies..." he growled. Maverick always had a knack for detecting bogeys.

The bogeys were in a bee line for the girls' position.

So they went to intercept, and I was left facing three really hot women without nothing to do, but crash and burn.

Later, I screamed at Iceburg and Maverick: "Never leave your wingman!!