Thursday, May 24, 2007

Spam Enemas

Every once in awhile it is time to reflect on the state of spam in our technologically-pacing-it world. Similar to occasionally catching up on an episode of Jerry Springer. It is kinda like examining our weakest links so as to know if civilisation will ever become a reality.

We all know the usual subject lines – about what Stac1e did in her bEdro0m!!, or that ViagRa is n00w ava!ila*ble 1( mouSe click aWRay!. But as of late, I have been noticing, after years of “Enhance your member NOW!!!”, we have progressed!!

We are now onto spam of: “Avoid Enhancement Pills!!”.

Gee thanks. You arrived just in time. I'll cancel that batch I ordered just last week.

Also, as of late, I have been receiving the most peculiar spam mail. I think I inadvertently joined a Mills-And-Boon-Wannabe Writers’ Group. Sometimes I am able to spot and trash them instantly, but every once in awhile a deceiving mail arrives, with a normal enough name & subject line. I open it to this:

From: Milford Baird
Subject: Re: The Question

He was sure he could hoist himself into the chair, knew it was probably a bad idea to let Annie know he could, but he needed his other fix, goddammit, and he could not write lying here in bed. "She began to pull half healed turves out of the ground with her trembling fingers, and although Geoffrey returned in almost no time, she had by then already clawed a hole some eight inches deep. He was sure he could hoist himself into the chair, knew it was probably a bad idea to let Annie know he could, but he needed his other fix, goddammit, and he could not write lying here in bed. His attention had been focused only on finding a way to get the bitch out of her grave without cheating before Annie decided to inspire him by giving him an enema with a handful of Ginsu knives.

Personally, my favourite part was the last sentence! You just can’t BUY that sort of writing and imagery in any old Exclusives!

Today dear unknown Ronald continued our enema story…

From: Ronald Morgan
Subject: Just Read This
your distressed face told me i'd failed." held his tongue." declare i don't see what he does with it! he really ought not to 'gobble' so, the blade was rusted and the handle broken off short. [ed. Are they still discussing the enema here??]
your distressed face told me i'd failed." your distressed face told me i'd failed." in her heart was nothing but a sincere desire to prove gratitude and offer sympathy; [ed. Good of her, to give him an enema & THEN feel the sympathy and all] …. had found something uncommonly nice, and he looks as if all creation was getting empty, though full freight-trains rolled from the factory to the main road, "it's metal, sure enough," to sing, "the three little kittens" half a dozen times over, or to take her… [Ha ha, I am loving the enema metaphors here!]
"those old cats have got it, i guess,"….
thou wast; second violin thou art; first thou shalt be. hail, all out, were given a young gentleman - no, i prefer to say boy, with
helped her to fill up again, and discussed reptiles most learnedly…. 'fore there's poor soul, we must lend a hand and cheer her up a bit" thought david,…
[ed. Oooo this is where it starts getting good! If you can make any sense of it.]…. possession of her, and, as it grew, her eyes dilated, her breath came many things which she had valued very lightly until then. health became…and when you have filled this out we will go on enlarging of his body. but he managed to lean forward and shout in the ear of …. he kissed her, then said, as he began to stir it is possible to the time, but fail to win from the world by any after-triumphs… every one had given her something; and it was found difficult a long train of recollections, and the thought went through her mind: "i

And there it just ends. Just like that. Now I eagerly await the next most random mailer who will come along with such wit, such creativity, such effort to improve the quality of our spam. Who will actually lead us to read the endless stream of electronic generated mail that took so long to set up! Good on you! Good on your dedication and endeavours!

Mainly, I am intrigued as to what the images in these emails were that YAHOO blocked.


Anonymous said...

What the?? How on earth do you end up with such INTERESTING spam? Mine usually has to do with viagra. And porn sites. None of which I'm particularly fascinated by.

Anonymous said...

we get those too.
they are randomly written creative mush
spam poetry if you will,....
we fwd them round the office,

you know whats harder than reading it?
trying to WRITE IT
i dare ya, try...see how well it goes..

Champagne Heathen said...

You don't?? You mean it is just me receiving the sort of mail?? But WHY?? Man, you are missing out! I'll start forwarding them to you!

And why are you dissing porn sites around these parts?

Champagne Heathen said...

HPF - you're on!! I will do my best just now. Maybe after a litre of strong black coffee!

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha! That's some good quality spam that you're getting. I have no idea if I get stuff like catches a bunch of stuff and about once a week I just scan through it for names I might know before I empty out the spam bin.

Unknown said...

Hey! I checked out that M&B 'how to write' site ages ago, and I never received the good spam! Maybe I checked out the wrong category.

Have you seen how many categories of M&B there are? They even write em hot 'n racy these days. They never had those at the corner cafe when I was a schoolgirl!

Champagne Heathen said...

Gillian - apparently is all colour coded. And apparently Purple is the colour any very horny chick would want. It's Penthouse smut for girls. Gotta find me some purple M&B...or rather, I gotta start getting my sex life up to Purple M&B grade!