Thursday, June 28, 2007

Recommended Winter

Fucking winter.

I hate it.

The Northerners have it right with their whole daylight savings thing. Actually, the cold-blooded reptiles did one better with hibernation. Bugger all happens in winter, expect either wallowing in summer nostalgia, or avoiding it through warm smooth red wine.

I have just informed my boss it is time to institute Day Light Savings in this office. He said some rubbish about people with kids and school hours. Then just inform the teachers of your new life policy! He suddenly then promised to bring me a bottle of red wine tomorrow. I’ve been working here for too long. Or just long enough.

Clever boy.

But really, what’s new in the world right now?

No one is throwing champagne around in celebrations of new shags, new lottery winnings, new…new… there ain’t nothing new. And there most definitely hasn’t been champagne touching my lips, let alone anywhere else, in too long a while now. We’re meant to be on pause, or decline right now. That’s how this season works.

Darfur continues to be a bugger up. None of us commoners have a real clue what is going on. And I am willing to bet my last glass of Tassies that neither do the top officials. We’re all just waiting for the indy movies to explain it all in a decade, when we can hold Anniversaries and declare that never again should we let such atrocities occur.

We haven’t been really pissed off with old Bob for about a month now. I’m sure it’s time for him to spring a rehashed power-ravenous act on us. Just so we can state that “how can America move into Iraq to implement democracy, yet be blind to Zim”, that our president’s greatest screw up is his “Quiet Diplomacy”, and oh those poor good normal citizens of what was once the Bread Basket of Africa. And then we’ll let it go for another month.

One pompous asssed Brit replaced another. And those without a clue think this makes a difference in the world.

Paris Hilton made headlines.

Our rugby players might be about to be incredible. They might crumble under the pressure.

My street kid is freezing to death on some Jo’burg street.

Even the bludy strike is in slow winter mode. Not really rising to the fiery occasion.

In an attempt to get my head out of the world screw ups. To stop dreaming of African caricatures. (The other night was about trying deal with African bureaucrats. Gawd. I think my subconscious needs to lay off the drugged flash backs). I braved the Exclusives sale yesterday.

I was attempting to find a GOOD, light hearted, funny, page-turning book. Ultimately – Chick Lit at its best.

I worked my way through Bridget Jones & Marian Keyes years back. As well as Tony Parsons. Spud. Adrian Mole. Not so much Nick Hornby, but then I know bugger all about football or I’d watched the movie. I’ve done a Terry Pratchet. It ain’t for me. I’ve o.d.ed on Tom Robbins. As well as The World According To Garp guy.

There are other criteria though. There is nothing more painful than trying to read your day through a rehashed story. One that’s attempting humour. And just not making the grade. I need GOOD & ORIGINAL books here.

Do you realise how many book blurbs I read that stated: This is the next Sex & The City!!! …for the next generation… the Asian version… for the intelligentsia… for the drug-twisted insane woman. Who knew old Cary Bradshaw could be so dynamic!

And I don’t want intelligent humour either. I want light hearted. Rubbish. Jabber. A skill that proves not at all easy to create.

And if the words “death” or “war” or “problems” appear, I’m turfing it. As soon as. I don’t need any temptations. One book looked decent, but it was about a woman who was a bounty hunter. No no no.

Any recommendations??? Please???

When you think up something, you can find me, hanging over a glass of red, in the pub next door.


ChewTheCud said...

Read a Far side.

You don't like winter? But we had snow. SNOW! C'mon that's gotta count for something ;)

Anonymous said...

Little Miss Sunshine by Roger Hargreaves is one of my favourites to help pass the cold winter nights.

Champagne Heathen said...

Chews - I have read every Far Side. Probably 50 times each. I have even read the "Behind the scenes", "Not cutting the grade", "Shouldn't be published" Far Sides. Same goes for Calvin & Hobbes. And some others.

I want novels here.

Did your snow bring you bottles of red wine then? Mine bought an hour's entertainment & fkcing cold.

The God Owner - And I did LOVE that movie! But that's the only problem, I watched the story.

But I like where we're going here. Keep it up boys...!

High in Dubai said...

I read this book called "Yoga, for people that can't be bothered to do it" - it is funny and arb! Definitely not going to conjure up thoughts about Darfur/paris/bob/rugga/politics!

It is a guy who is a travel journalist, writing a few short stories that don't really interlink but somehow end up being good together.

William Sant said...

Behold, my top 5, definitive list. Since you binned the obvious High Fidelity -

5. The Secret Lemonade Drinker (Fun, not great, but an appropriate title?), Guy Bellamy

4. Fup - Jim Dodge (if you can find it)

3. A Carl Hiaasen that has a blurb that appeals

2. Puckoon

1. Eddie's Bastard (Kowalski. And I'd start here)

Honurable mentions (although a bit boyish) Kerouac, Hunter S., PJ O'Rourke, Houllobecq & Fugitive pieces(last two way to heavy)

Champagne Heathen said...

High - excellent, I will be on high alert for it!

Hello Will! Thanks for stopping by! Yes, I have watched High Fidelity many many times. Except I always love it, so maybe I will just slap it onto the list.

Thanks so much for these!! I will check them out asap!

Mr Memetic said...


I like Winter here on planet Earth. It reminds me of planet Krypton.

But in harshest Kryptonian weather, even Krpytonians shiver.

Except for the Men of Blue Steel. Yes, I and my cousin Kal-El were members of this group.

We had a phrase, "Fru-ul ezt wqo-du anz uin voi-za? Ods-feh oh-dy gjer-etz - va-ed bla-ah."

Roughly, it translates to, "You think you're tough? I'm eating an ice lolly - and it's cold."

Carolina said...

"The Game" by Neil Strauss . . .not a novel, but reads like one and is beyond the outter limits in so many ways. Definitely makes you go Hmmmm!

Anonymous said...

Try some soothing stuff like Ellis Peters' Father Cadfael detective stories set in 12th century Shropshire in the midst of the civil war between Stephen & Mathilda. Very very "cup of tea and fuzzy slippers"

Georgette Heyer's Regency drawing room farces with their undercurrents of humour and wit are also very soothing.

Finally Elizabeth Peters' does a series set in Egypt, full of archeologists and murders, romances, ghosts and evil, yet again with undercurrents of humour and romance.

Michelle said...

There's always "I moved your cheese" as an antidote to the self-help books.

But Champs, you've inspired me. I've been trying to serious-up something I'm writing. No more! I shall let it be full of lighthearted rubbish jabber! I thank you. :-)

Champagne Heathen said...

Anton, I am concerned the cold might be causing you to lose the plot!

Aliss - I'm sure I've heard of that book. It's not what they made into a movie with Michael Douglas - that was one BRILLIANT movie! I'll check it out! ...but how lighthearted are we talking here?

Dreamer - always love your nick! Thanks! And I will be sure to check it out!

Mich - Read it. And his next one. That infamous one. Dear DBB.

Carolina said...

Nope, not the Michael Douglas movie, agreed that was an amazing movie. This is a book about the world of pickup artists and learning to become one. Its pretty lighthearted if you find humor in the perverse & ridiculous.

Champagne Heathen said...

Oh THAT game. Cool. Will def. check it out. Need the laugh on that topic!

Mr Memetic said...


Weird you say that. My friend (though I do not trust him) Lex said the same thing!

fuzzy logic said...

Try Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts. It's not fluff, but it's really good reading, and with a book that thick, should keep you busy through a few chilly nights.

fuzzy logic said...

Oh, and it was John Irving that wrote Garp, et al :-)