Two thirds of my family currently are floating down some Sai Gon river on their way to Ho Chi Min City. Well does that not just sound quite delightful.
I groggily read this newsy sms while waking up to a twenty kilo hound half lying on top of me, holding a stare of “Oh trust me, you want to get out of this bed and let us out within the next minute otherwise…”.
Gawd, I love my pups.
The last family member is unaccounted for at present. I am assuming that he either is shacked up with one of his several stalker-enabled admirers or hiding from all of them. Or maybe he is bedding a new one.
Gawd, he never learns.
And the chick of the family? I’ve been better. Happier. I’ve had a love for life, one which I am scared I will never find again. I’ve had mates who understood me. Who gave a fkc for how I was, what I was up to, who wanted to chill over a drink with me. I saw one of them on Friday night. I miss her. But enough to forgive four years of chaotic pain and fear?
Life ain’t like the back of a sugar packet.
I just thought I’d freeflow write today. This is what is coming out. At 10h45 on a Friday morning. It’s the weekend, babeeeee. Fuck it.
On YFM they have mornings where people read out their poetry. Some of it has been incredible. And I guess the only way to get back into that medium, which sometimes is so fucking pretentious is to just start. From bad it can improve. Or I can realise I will never be cut out for it. But at least I do not get to make sense. I just get to release.
So here goes….
Worn down and defeated
Pushing trying hoping
Life hasn’t changed.
Decade after decade we push it
We watch horror and we try to change it
Or we hide from it in the craziest ways
Is that what we’re all searching for?
To forget that there is no point
He likes her, but not enough
She wants love, but not enough
I bite into them time and again
I find myself listening
I find myself alone
I find I know the foetal position so well I don’t think I could stretch out
I don’t think I could embrace
I don’t think I would want you
Not for long
Maybe for an hour
Hours pass so fast
Suddenly I am old
Suddenly my life is a joke as it passes
Shelves and babies, responsibilities and achievements,
None of it realised
All of it happening
At my fingertips
That have no feeling
I feel nothing
I lost that
I used up my quota
And now not even blandness features on my horizon
Something collapsing into itself
I fear to see others, because of what I will suck in, and what will disappear
“You are so scared that your needs will overwhelm someone”
Well, they’re overwhelming ME, and their mine
Of course I think they’ll overwhelm someone else.
So what should I do?
What do I do?
I lie in bed
I stare at the books titles
I stare at the laptop screen
I don’t cry
I don’t talk
I don’t want to feel but if I do then I’ll be through this sooner
I just lie there
I want to drink
I want to smoke
I want to escape
I have no reason to escape
Is it chemical?
Is “it” hungering for more chemicals?
Is it the result of a poor little rich kid?
Is it because I just do not get “it”
I search for others in pain
Not to group with
Just to find examples
That others aren’t coping either
I don’t want them anywhere near me
Far far away rather
But at least you’re there
That’s the only reason I am publishing this.