I have gone mad. Lost the plot. And not just because the boss spiked yesterday’s coffee pot (and wow, did I have one great hour long rush).
I find myself wanting to contact a few of the guys I have gotten to know via this blog’s existence. Out of the blue. Within the past week. I have been experiencing impulsive remembrances & wants – of the flirting, chuckles, mails, recommendations, ideas, banter.
Some guy & I learning about one another via this novel bizarre medium. The few men who just thought they’d take a chance of mailing me. For reasons I don’t think they will ever explain. It went from basic mailing to more… although “more” cannot really be clarified, because we don’t get it either.
Some got my work email address. Fewer were given my phone number. One or two have met me in person. No. None of them got or took that much more from me.
And it is those one or two who I suddenly have a desire to speak to again. Maddening. Considering. I am now asking myself… Am I just a sucker for punishment.
Most of them are complete and utter fools. But lovely and gorgeous to know in their own ways. Well, in some of their ways. One or two have been witness to my wrath. A couple have been victim to my wrath. Hmmm. Hardly victims, I’d say.
I wonder if they still read this space of mine?
One barely seems to have the time these days to know which continent he is on. (Hey you. Every once in awhile I realise I miss our pages of daily conversations.)
One might be more seriously into his relationship by now. But he did make for wonderful intellectual banter. It was just that I often wanted to throw my shoe at his emotional side. (Hey. I nearly mailed you yesterday. Just cause. Why on earth – last convo bared [sic] in mind.)
One unmet darling just don’t mail no more. Where’ve you gone dear man??!!
In this blog world, we used to witness people attract one another through the strangest of ways. Simply by use of words and topics chosen. You might have picked up things in two bloggers’ comments. And all of a sudden you were being told of two people finally having met in person. How on earth did these two people just know through reading each other’s posts, and occasionally commenting, that they sparked?
So much for the foolish assumption that blogs make people more distant, physically.
One man phoned me within hours of him arriving in SA for the first time in months (years?). His poor best friend was forced to go and meet some chick neither had ever laid eyes on during their first night drinking together again. He did not end up kissing me. And do not think that did not get me infuriated. But the lovely boy is still…well, lovely.
We had started on the “more” when I was taking my first steps into my abyss, and I will forever be grateful for that. How he supported this crazy stranger. And those several odd fun months of communication will always give me a grin. xxxxx
I keep wanting to tell him… Hey look… I am finally getting healthy! Look now. Are you reading this at all anymore!? … I guess this is me telling him. Hey look babe! I’m getting healthy! Finally. A year later. You promised I would. You just banked on it being faster than it has been. And I guess it is just that you read all about it at the beginning that I still feel I want you to know, even though we have lost reliable contact.
This mode of communication has caused me to interact with the most peculiar of new worlds. It has built up support systems across a globe. While I no longer feel comfortable expressing the more intense of my life’s actions or heart’s sobbings in this very public realm, there are people who I have never met who allow me to email them and let know. Advice continues to flow. Love and concern continue to be felt. And of course, our best element of blogging – flirting is still very possible.
Maybe that’s all it is. Maybe I just miss the flirt. In reality and in virtuality.
(Oooo, I am going to get grief for that last line from one guy just now … but it rounded the babble up well.)
… Or maybe I am just that sucker for punishment.
[Update: I was just told that this post made me sound a bit desperate.... which has caused me to ask... desperate for what though???]