Tuesday, June 09, 2009

“Poppie” defined

Pronounced: Pou pEE.

Description: Juvenile female that uses brain only to eat, breathe and giggle at boyfriend/ husband’s jokes.

Appearance: Is only ever found in groomed state. This predominantly is characterised by blonde “done up” hair, thin body frame and doe-like eyes. However, has been known to disguise herself in dark-haired fatter bodied frame; but child-like features somehow appear to remain. Overburdened with make up and clothes just provocative enough to cause even the pastor to ‘readjust’. Clothing is generally completely inconvenient to setting. Note: Groomed state is far cry from “natural state”.

Call: Squeak of a voice; generally at decibels known to cause “hearer” to scrap nails down wall in pain. Giggle; generally straight after boyfriend/ husband has made sexual or racist joke, farted loudly, or said anything at all.

Common phrases: “Ag moeder, dis so soet”. “Liefie, jy is so slim”. “Hee hee hee”.

General conversation:
· Topics so random that other person involved in conversation is found to be simply staring in stunned disability to respond. Such topics include why her car requires washing …but she forgot to tell this to Ma before going away…but maybe Ma will realise why she left money in her room. Or describing what she does in life, e.g. Nail Technician;
· Inane “insights” that cause “hearer” to bash head on first available rock-hard surface; e.g. that being a nail technician means she is as able as a surgeon to give sound medical advice on someone’s hand problems and could probably even operate on someone’s hand;
· Anything that will make the common person aware that she is a good Christian, goes to church religiously, and she epitomises “pious”…except for when her boyfriend thinks he is in the mood for a blowjob.

Aim: To recreate boyfriend into husband in record number of days. To please mother at all costs, even when this involves heavy apologies that she dared to speak two English words during her 10 minutes phone call with “ma”. To resemble her middle-aged mother by the time she is nineteen years old. To overstress and bemuse all other semi-intelligent folk who get caught in her company for longer than 5 minutes.

Mannerisms: Did I mention giggle and instantly agree to everything her boyfriend says without fail? Tends not to speak directly to other people but addresses all people by directing questions and insights at her boyfriend just loud enough for other person to hear. Will ignore all other females within her vicinity, unless has already designated that female as “friend i.e. non-threat to boyfriend/ husband.

Impressive traits:
· Artificial-sweetener sweet to Miff in 10 seconds. “Miff” includes bottom-lip drop, turning her head away and staring into distance, lack of giggle, retiring to her bed awkwardly early;
· Believing that reading countless Danielle Steele books makes her intelligent;
· Believing that an emu is bigger than an ostrich. Redirecting this insight and its source to her boyfriend when you tell her that no, actually, you really do believe that an ostrich is the biggest bird in the whole goddamn world.

Ways a female can piss her off
Speak directly to her boyfriend or even engage in semi-mild intelligent conversation with him
· Blaspheme
· Drink anything alcoholic other than alco-pops and drink it in “excess”, i.e. more than two glasses of chosen alcohol
· Speak openly, without euphemisms, and enjoyably about sex
· Disagree with anything that her boyfriend says
· Point out to her that people who are homosexual or have a different skin colour are actually equal to her demographic group, and are probably superior to her;
· Finish such an argument off by calling her “ignorant” – this will result in her retiring to her bed mid-dinner and not talking to you again for the rest of the time you are stuck with her.

And THAT is so incredibly sweet.


john dodds said...


Louisa said...

Aaah, good times. Thanks for the tips on how to P one off.

Champagne Heathen said...

John - well why thank you! Fascinating how the painful can be inspiring.

Louisa - It becomes like a game, to piss one off, I highly recommend you give it a try next time you are stuck with one!

Spear The Almighty said...

They are everywhere these days. It sucks.

Great post!

Don't believe a word I write said...

I think it's safe to assume that an ostrich, or even an emu, has the superior brain power.The question is, why were you forced to entertain her nonsense? Tell me she isn't the girlfriend of a friend of yours or your man's? Now I understand why you are leaving the country.

po said...

Haha , well, yes, that is a good definition