Thursday, March 08, 2007

Reminiscing

I can’t seem to find anything to rant about these days. My soap box feels like it is starting to sud. I am just plodding through life with bland abandon at present. I almost wish I was at the job where my blood boiled to the Celsius brink at least once a day. Even now, I lounge about in my office chair and stare. Excel sheet upon a blog upon a UNISA-IS-YOU-YOU-ARE-UNISA site upon Bob’s tunes. And I am left to reminisce.

This morning a year ago I had just landed my sweet ass in Paris, to hook up with an ex-lover. I had been having one too many bad days in the office. After a smash-and-grab, botched training courses, abstinence projects still threatening, a 4x4 more than quietly bumper bashing into me, illness and more, this lover just happened to want to speak to me. He had never phoned cross-continent before. He wanted to explain the view from his high-rise appartement, remind me of the French life, and repeat a fantasy I’d long given up on. His late night call asking me to come over, well, persuaded me to try and come to (see) his incredible view of the City Of Lights. And maybe feast on a croissant, chocolatine, baguette, nutella crêpe or two.

Things didn’t go quite as planned. We all change I guess, and the two of us had not changed towards one another. I may as well have thrown my suitcase of condoms into that Seine River, which we so often ended up trudgingly grumbling along. There was more kink involved in the week-long sms conversation I became delightfully entangled in with a lover back home, while I spent my free time sauntering up the Champs-Élysées, smattering myself in TESTER perfumes & cosmetics.

My disappointment & sympathy begged for from friends was met with a text message from my Darling D stating, “Oh for gods sake! I do not care if you have to buy a bloody vibrator and hump it at the back of a cab all along the Champs-Élysées, but do not DARE step one foot on a plane home before you have orgasmed at least ONCE in that city!!”

I went back to sms’ing the lover back home. I drank bottles of champagne before noon with a Norwegian friend in parks, staring across at the Sacre Cœur and laughing about all that was worldy wonderful. A Sunday night onwards mon “amour” and I staged a picture-perfect Parisian lovers’ quarrel in a bar, arguing at the tops of our voices, arms flailing, being asked by the massive Russian manager to cool it down, and both of us too impassioned to care. We eventually stormed out of the brasserie, me avowing loudly & dramatically to the laughing barlady, “Now I must find a hotel!”. We returned to the “lover’s” appartement to continue the fight side-by-angry-side on his couch, with a bottle of cheap red wine between us.

This is not some love story with a happy ending, where I finally got shtoiked after we became too drunken.

Rather, I moved out the next morning. I had other friends in town, so it was ok. Hell, it was Paris, it was plain divinely lovely!! This ex-lover and I finally nearly returned to what was meant to have been on my last night when he walked me to the Métro to say Au Revoir.

I went back to SA. He moved to America. Apparently he hooked up with a friend of mine who moved over to NYC, after I had put her in touch with him.

As for the lover here – I have seen him twice since that trip.

As for all the other lovers I have had here since – They are gone. Or moved on in their own ways. Or never happened, even though I was so sure of it/ them.

All in all, I think the moral of the story is. I am horny.

89 comments:

spoon said...

ha ha!!! I like the moral of the story...but not a happy ending by a long shot!

Hot Pink Flush said...

Bless, champs. It's ok.
Wanna come with me on a shopping spree to Lola Montez?
Any of the other girlies in?

Champagne Heathen said...

Spoon - not in the slightest way. Ah well. It was better to have realised, and to be able to move on... NEXT!

HPF - I want a MAN! Not plastic. But yeah, definitely! I think the others might be ok for now, but that never stopped a girl!
(Suddenly my pc won't let me onto your site for some reason. Odd & Frustrating!)

Jam said...

*hug*

Drinks later?

Peas on Toast said...

You can buy a Bushwhacker 3 000 (or perhaps the upgrade now) for R299 at Adult World Melrose North.
They'll throw in two free tubes of lube too.

The best decision I ever made in my life.

Robert@iScatterlings.com said...

PUBLIC ANNOUNCEMENT:

I am no longer suddenly a Frenchman.

Lollipop said...

Paris! the city of lovers and the eiffel tower. Hmm, wish i had an angry ex-lover in Paris who felt like a bit of slap and tickle every now and then. Look on the bright side Champs, horny is sign that you are still alive and have very much to offer.

the limbo will pass

Guinness "Contemplative" Pig said...

Champs, don't feel that bad. Sometimes it is a sign of respect to say no. I know of an individual that was really tempted the other day :-)

As much as you don't like the Economist article, we are just animals, and it is the hardest thing to say no to a really sexy women if for nothing else than she is drunk.

As for ex-lovers, I have come to realise that its not a personal thing. Just over a year ago I was in a situation where I would have given the world for her. She had some unresolved issues, that I thought could be worked out, but one can never truly know what happens inside anothers head. Anyway she gave me the boot and broke off all contact. For a while I thought this was the cruelest thing to do (I have always remained friends with ex's), but now I see without that we would have kept going in circles. Thanks to those that helped me realise this, you are still great.

Champs, always remember, a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bycicle

High in Dubai said...

Champers,

You definitely know how to set a mood... I would have opted for a fake happy ending. But that's just because I'm a hopeless romantic.

The moral of the story is one I can relate to... Feeling a bit like the Dubai Desert at the moment, hopefully the imminent arrival of the weekend will change both our fortunes!

Dazz said...

Champs, while Peas is far more, erm, adept, in this line of thing, I would recommend you get your "hands" on one of these:

http://www.ohmibod.com/

The bushwhacker is so nineties.

Lochinvar said...

ME TOO....Always ;-)

Champagne Heathen said...

Thanks Jamaloni! And for the invite, but I have a sushi date with a cute blonde dutch chick. I don't think she puts out though. Damn.

Peas ...well it is my birthday soon... ;)

And so Roberto, are you finally admitting to be the gorgeous buff tanned man of the Namib!?!

Lolls - thanks babe! And right now my bright side of looking is that 1 year ago exactly I got to be sitting in a little cafe about to indulge my months' long craving for excellent french coffee, a pain au choc, & smoky atmospheres! Ah man......

Guinnie - Thanks! Even for that frustrating reminder.

And so the moral of your story is - stop getting too drunk!

Me & this ex-lover are still in contact, and still very much love each other, but the "loving" part was lost during that trip. It is still good to be loved & to love him so much. We've been through a lot together for over 8 yrs now.

And yeah, you NEVER KNOW what the future will bring, or how it will twist what you once wanted back to you.

Hi High! Trust me, I also would have opted for a happy ending!! And am a hopeful romantic at the end of the day. But this was life's decision rather. Good luck to you (in your pink shirt today!) and me!

Dazz, you GORGEOUS thang, you can also then remember...it is my birthday very very soon!

Peas on Toast said...

Dazz - ...it's a model that has lasted the ages my friend....and for good reason too. :)

Guinness "The ABF" Piggy said...

Hey Champs, you got to do what you got to do. Think you might have picked up in my post it addressed more than just you though :-).
That said, when getting drunk for the sake of getting drunk, one has to examine the cause. Been there done that and still do that (sometimes), but I am happy to say a lot less.

Sounds like you getting on solid ground though. Wise for such a young one ;-)

Dazz, love the iPOD add-in :-)

lordwiggly said...

Hmmm...horned massage your Dark Side needs...

Champagne Heathen said...

Loch - ha ha! Well then GOOD LUCK with about to re-enter the single world!! It is NOT easy! ...that said, it is easy in its own ways!

Peas & Dazz - my birthday is nine days...go for a joint present! That would be sweet!

Guinnie - I get drunk cause I get ploughed with drinks on an empty stomach. That's my excuse & I am sticking to it.

I've always been a wise one! I've been saging advice off since I was nappied in my crib!

Champagne Heathen said...

Wiggles - it is needed by EVERY side, not just my darker parts!

Guinness "Kink" Porker said...

Nappied hey...... you really want to tell people that in public ;-)

Jam said...

After all these comments, I really need a drink.
Gee Guinnie - you're a fine one to preach about drinking with a name like that.

Guinness "Preacher Man" Porc said...

Hey, I would never profess to teach, I know too little as it is :-) I just speak from my own experience, use it don't use it. You remember the Osho quote......

As I remember the name was given to me, but you right, nobody is perfect, got nicely smashed on Saturday.

ChewTheCud said...

http://www.explosm.net/comics/541/

heehee. 5 times baby!

Yeah - for all our sakes champers - get a dildo or get on the plateau! ;P

thegodowner said...

test drive offer still stands...

Revolving Credit said...

If you're so horny, whatever happened to the meaningless yet meaningful Chewy 3some that seemed to be on the cards last week???

Jam said...

*sigh*
There was never any threesome planned Rev.

ChewTheCud said...

Rev - the chewy option was never on the table. Chewy said that was never gonna happen. Chew's is still trying to figure out how that managed to get him into kak though ;P

Revolving Credit said...

Jam, Chewy, the woman needs help, can you read the need in this post.

Chewy, on the table, on the floor , on the washing machine, on the bar counter - I don't think that location is that important although it does sounds like she'd prefer 'up the Eiffel Tower'.

Champagne Heathen said...

Guinnie - only if they are wise enough to realise by crib, I mean actual crib, and not some rap star meaning of "crib".

Jamaloni -Friday afternoon is but a blink away!

Thank you Rev!! Please tell Chewy!!
Chews & Jam, you could always take one for the team. The team being the blogosphere.
(Ha ha, I can hear Chewy trembling in his shoes already!)

Thegodowner - I have tried to find the location of this test drive, but people seem to look at me a little perturbed when I approach them and ask if they are "thegodowner"!!

Revolving Credit said...

I think in this case it would be 'taking one WITH the team'!

Champs, is ONE enough??

Champagne Heathen said...

Rev, it depends on what you mean by ONE. One threesome? One man? One Orgasm? One Hour? One 24 hr day? One weekend?

All in all, I'll accept the last option!!

ChewTheCud said...

OK.....

What size dildo are you looking for anyway? Jam - we can split the cost ;) You think that'll keep her quiet?


(I know that last line is trouble but couldn't resist)

Lochinvar said...

We hope not, because besides Chewbacca and Jam, the godowner is queing up and Lochinvar will be happy to come riding out the west... anyone else?

Guinness "Mental Image" Pig said...

Chamos is that one weekend of all of the above?

Revolving Credit said...

Sounds like a Chewy size one!

Champagne Heathen said...

Chews - nice try, but I ain't biting...hmmm, I meant 'biting' in the same way you meant 'quiet'!

Loch - you're coming in from the west??? OOooo. Now that sounds kinky!

Guinnie - one weekend to start. Y'know. Clear my head so I can think properly again & then properly assess the situation!

Rev - ha ha ha! He seems to still be trying to pull out though.

Revolving Credit said...

Well Champs, him trying to pull out is half way there.
Now he just needs to learn how to stick it in.
{repeat above steps for weekend or until satisfied/drained, whichever cums first}

Game on!!

ChewTheCud said...

Nice try Rev. I wasn't aware I was in. Why don't we just fly Champers down to CT and you can take care of things? Leave things to the professionals, I always say ;P

Revolving Credit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Revolving Credit said...

Chews, if you didn't know that you were in, it appears that you're doing it wrong.

But it's fine, you'll have the whole weekend for Champs to show you how.

She really is a professional. She spends her working days practising putting condoms on penises. I'm sure she'll go gently on you.

PS> Somehow Jam seems to have been let off the hook???

ChewTheCud said...

Yeah. Go pick on Jam or a change. Although i have it on good authority that she lacks a penis ;P

Champagne Heathen said...

Rev, I know how to put condoms on ceramic penii. It doesn't mean I use them to practice anything else!! :)

But yes, Chewy, I am gentle. If that's how you want it. :)

Jam ain't getting out of anything just yet.

Guinness "Plural" Pig said...

Penii :-)

I want two mongooses... um .... two mongeese... um .... I'll have one mongoose and another mongoose please

Jam said...

I'm working here, and not on anyone's dick! Excuse me while I earn money.

Phlippy said...

Hey Champers,shame angel, I know what you mean about losing your inspiraion. I've been going through a dull patch too of late... sigh

Nice story though. You could get a vibrator with a flash light... //crickets

Lochinvar said...

No Champs - slightly more romantic than coming in off-side...??!

Revolving Credit said...

Champs & Jam, I scheme that Guinness "Mongii" Piglet wants to take you 2 gooses out for a dop tomorrow!

Jam said...

hehehehe

Revolving Credit said...

"I'm working here, and not on anyone's dick!"

Shame Jam, so what Chewy says is true.

"Go pick on Jam ... i have it on good authority that she lacks a penis "

Jam said...

Well I don't want to go out with a piglet.

Jam said...

And I don't need chews. See my post today Rev. ;-)

Revolving Credit said...

Jam, you're sounding a bit depressed today, go read my post!

DaveRich said...

If I knew which way you drove home I'd set up a windmill on the side of the road, put aan my jean short and stand leaning against the windpomp chewing a long stick of grass! How's the tequila thing goin?? I am still on the wagon...

Champagne Heathen said...

Guinnie - I am an expert in all that are the sexual organs. The theory at least ;)

Jamaloni - yes, earn lots of money, you have b.day presents to buy me!

Phlippy - you've been going through whose patch?!?!? ....sorry, one track mind, perhaps.

Loch - Ooooo! I am livking YOU! I see your "steed was the best", that you "stay not for brake and stop not for stone". That "So boldly [you] enter the Netherby" and "swells like the Solway, but ebbs like its tide...And now am I come" ....um, I will stop quoting from this delightful poem about there! ;)

Rev - did you just call me a mongoose!?!??!

I'll leave Jam to discuss her own appendages.

Guinness "Piglet" Piggy said...

:-)

Champagne Heathen said...

Eugh no, Jam, DO NOT read THAT post!

DaveRich - aaaaah, you're such a honey!! [SEE CHEWY! See how it's done!!] I drive along Jan Smuts. A long road, maybe, and don't let the other women get to you first. I will find you!

No tequila as yet!! But then again, I am not in many bars in the week. Well, this week at least.

Revolving Credit said...

Jam, I'm trying to open your blog but it seems it won't let me in.

Is there an aga restriction or PG rating that I'm missing??

ChewTheCud said...

Why's everybody always pickin on me? ;P

jam - you go girl!

champers - i'm not seeing it. it sounds like the plot to lipstiek dipstiek?

Revolving Credit said...

Chews, you were picked on because you were playing 'hard to get(laid)'.

Guinness "Picky" Piggy said...

Rev, there is a subtle different between picked on and picked up. :-)

Champagne Heathen said...

Chews - what is wrong with Lipstiek DipStiek?? Hell, it had some good stick dipping!!

Guinnie - not picked up, definitely rather picked at...well, I'm trying at least, he just won't let me get close enough!

And Chews, ja, you because I distinctly recall you saying you would not shag me, no matter if I was beyond gorgeous & shaggable. Say something like that and I take it as a dare!

Revolving Credit said...

Guinnes "Pick Up" Stix

Sounds like you have some experience with being picked up, would you care to share??

Guinness "Hot Potato" Piglet said...

Rev, picked up, alas no experience. Loads of experience of picked on, but then I have also picked on loads too. Karma!

As a friend joked (I think), there is a secret underground movement of women sharing information to not date a Pig :-)

Now what is that google search query?

Guinness "Information" Hog said...

Rev, I suspect from that link you got a bit more information on my identity :-)

Revolving Credit said...

Well, them you've come to the right place.

Attention, attention everyone.

Who of you woman out there would like to pick up a guinness "hot date" pig?

This offer is exclusive to Champsheathen.blogspot.com

This low-mileage demo-model Guinness Pig has much to offer the discerning woman.

So book your test 'pick up' now and be proud of the fact that by doing this, you join the exclusive club, that grouping of women, who for a very short while could say, that they picked-up and held, a real life, warm-blooded, virile yet gentle Guinness Pig.

Terms and conditions apply

Guinness "Thanks" Pig said...

Rev, can I hire you to do my marketing :-)

ChewTheCud said...

champers - so now its a dare? its getting so you can't compliment women these days ;P

ChewTheCud said...

rev - you forgot "batteries not included, not safe for children"

Champagne Heathen said...

Leave you guys alone for awhile & you end up auctioning Guinnie off!!

Guinnie - I think he already is your marketer!!

Chews - Best you just keep compliment me, otherwise I will not be gentle!

Guinnie - as for that link. You got me completely confused. Your blog seems to say you are engaged.

Guinness "Duracell" Piggy said...

Chews, who is to say that I am not a children :-)

Revolving Credit said...

I think that we should try marketing some Guinness Bling on the side.

-Diamond Encrusted Piglet Bracelets
-Gold Thread and Crystal iPOD Covers > The iPIG
-Emerald G-Hog belly rings

etc....you get the idea

Guinness "Blog?" Porc said...

I have a blog? First a marketeer and now a blog! Wow I love this Internet thing :-)

Chews, I have to agree with Champs, unless you only use the kitten to feign gentleness :-)

ChewTheCud said...

champers - this is you being gentle???

guiness what - you are not a childrens? what are you can for laaik to be?

ChewTheCud said...

guiness "guy?" - the kitty is my soft side ;)

Guinness "Jacobs" Piggy said...

Rev, I am loving you :-)

Revolving Credit said...

We have a Guinness Pig
We have Guinness Bling

I think it's time for new gameshow:
'Pimping the Bacon'

Guinness "Furry Fluffy" Pig said...

Chews, vat hom fluffy! :-)

Champagne Heathen said...

I hope you guys keep having fun in here. I will be fascinated to see what results from this!

But now I have a yoga class to attend, and certain energies to rechannel so they can actually be used productively & only for good!

Smooooooches to all of you!

Guinness "M-TV" Sow said...

"Pimp my Bacon"

Revolving Credit said...

Chew, show us your Darkside??

Guinness "Present" Porc said...

Cheers Champs. While we on the Pimpin' thing, how about a present from here. A new image might help the dry spell.

Let me know if the channeling helps, maybe I'll give yoga a try again. Say hi to Deon ;-)

ChewTheCud said...

rev - i keep it hidden for special occasions. its handy for taking out the odd jedi, insulting his momma till he cries, that sorta thing ;P

guinnea guy - whats the story? i'm not getting where you're from or how old? benoni?

Guinness "Sorry" Pig said...

Chews dark side.

Guinness "Far East" Porker said...

Chews I are old enough not to say anything here :-)

Where does that Boerwors curtain stop again?

Revolving Credit said...

Check it, Champs is going to yoga to learn how to channel her energies reproductively - watch out Chewy!

Guinness "Yogi" Piggy said...

Rev, one can never be too flexible ;-)

ChewTheCud said...

i always thought the curtain was up north pretoria se kant ;P

flexible like those kitties ;) that is some twisted shit you have there dewd ;P

Guinness "Behind the Curtain" Piggy said...

Hey where I come from this was a common:

Guy: You looking at my chick?
me: No,
Guy: You saying she are ugly?

ChewTheCud said...

awesome dewd. you deserve some time on bash.

Guinness "Geek" Pig said...

Chews Bash?

ChewTheCud said...

bash.org - we can also be cryptic bru ;P