Wednesday, July 25, 2007

I need to feel alive

I need to stay awake all night. Exhaustion would get me there. To get tanked on multiple ferments. Drunkness and the pain that follows would get me there. I need to kiss you, long, slowly, sucking, with a twisted fetish coming through such a simple act. I need to feel the delicate delicious power it gives me. I need the nakedness and familiar curvature. I need the beer when it is midnight, because it is so ridiculously un-alcoholic, yet such a sign of throwing a foot over the edge.

He needs to leave messages making us fear for him. And if we reach out, we stifle our animal selves. We pulled him back. We did good. Although we feel abused. Used. Not saviours. Simple lack of eye contact starts her craving. I can’t decide if it is her reaching out or reaching in to the abyss. Rare grazes can have them both momentarily consider.

A smile to a guard has my car insured for the night. Because it is a lacking act of humanity. Because most of you who click past this page lack humanity on a larger scale. And even those who do not have a mouse to click lack that humanity. Simple acts are lost in our own tortured unchallenged lives. In our own sell-out cars. CVs with your name bolded at the top of the A4 generic. Your pleasantries to turn-over colleagues. To friends who you “accept” “reject” “Limit the profile for…” Our own worry that we are not hot shot enough. That we never made a five year plan. That our medical aid does pay us out. That it doesn’t, and maybe you should rather increase your pension fund.

Living for the end. When disease takes you over. And you crank about with the spouse you fucked over. That one who ignored you after every dinner. And you remember phoning into a radio station to the morning show to explain your morning glory philosophy on love and marriage. Back in the day. When you were bored and confused in your twenties.

Get drunk. Get laid. Get amnesia. Get irritated. But never angry. Get to like. Not lust like you are being bruised. And certainly not to fall in love at the drop of a…well, maybe at a pill. At least that would make sense. But pills are not accepted this decade. Neither is wheat. Or green vegetables. IBS is ruling your life. Talking and needs out there ruling mine. Money is forgotten in bank accounts while the world rotates away its wonders. And we miss it all for eight till 5.15. Maybe a glass of white at a lunch. Probably two pints at the Friday midday booze. Hoping to laugh at least once in the twenty four seven. Have you put in your leave?

Tanked on fuck all. To forget we are giving it all away to people who judge but who could not care. Who will never be there when I am so desperately in need. I demand too much. I do not open and offer myself easily enough.

Some of you read this often. In a twisted manic way. Even though you hate me. Some of you have danced about my life in such an integral way. And now claim I am pain in yours. You refuse to see you have hurt me so deeply. Would always refuse your own offer of sorry. And yet, you return time and again. To know who I still am? Or to hope for mention of yourself? And who has the freedom then? The reader or the writer.

Your complexity is disgusted by the rest of us. Hoped to be smashed.

But my complexity is what makes me press hard up against you. Grind slowly, gently into you. The brick wall pressing on the other side of you. Until your breath begins to heave into my ear. Craving.

I blog because I love to write out. I am certain that there is a narcissistic element to it. But I love the motivation. The daily thought. The comments have stopped. Have lessened. And I am forced to consider. My heads turns and fucking tears at skull walls in frustration of boredom. Fuck the Microsoft Office. It is making my personality obsolete. My day, so precious, is now numbers and jagged red lines. I hated that boss, but at least he gave me something to hate. Now I cannot hate an apology.

I blog because I want to create awareness around the AIDS pandemic in Southern Africa. I want my reader to understand it. To not contract it. To slightly twist your world to fight against it. I read something that made me think…. This fad has passed. Be sure to turn off your lights. And your dishwashers. Globalisation is the next.

I will still be here though. Blogging mundanely about a virus that makes me feel and live.

Or at least, I will start to again. I crave living.

14 comments:

iScatterling said...

So start living. Now.

Champagne Heathen said...

I am. I am just first writing it up in excel, putting a gant chart to it, ensuring the budget fits with the five year narrative plan..... argh! Gotta a spare couch for me when I finally flee the coup?
...Is that how you spell 'coup'? Hold on, let me spell check/ google it...

fuzzy logic said...

Have you been reading Trainspotting again?

Champagne Heathen said...

Ha ha ha. I think that played a definite influence in my writing. But then, I have been hearing Ewan's gorgeous incomprehensible voice saying that speech since the first time I watched that warped film.

So does this mean I should be robbing drug lords? Nigerians aren't as kind as your average European kind though!

iScatterling said...

Lollipop butt!

Champagne Heathen said...

But what a CUTE Lollipop butt!! ....stop staring!

Candy Tothill said...

wow

Dolce said...

you've been spending too much time in Cape Town, Bru.

Seriously though. That dull stupid ache of days, when you just want to grind glass into your eyes just to feel.

Yup. I gotcha!

Champagne Heathen said...

Candy - thanks! And thanks for visiting here!

Dolce - yeah, pretty much like that, maybe with a bit of "hating suburban living" type theme added in.

Aaah, but maybe I visited the Cape BECAUSE I was feeling like this, rather than the visit making me feel like this.

I was just phoned by a boss to ask to create a gant chart for his report. I wish to cry.

Koekie said...

I like it. A lot of it went 'whoosh' as it soared above me, but still I liked it. Good rhythm. And I like Ewan. Two bonus points to you.

Anton said...

There's so much I want to write on this topic... but... recently I overstepped the mark with someone, such a duel-human mistake that I have started my own blog... Champs, I'll mail you the link, and if you like, you can give advice, con. crits, or whatever. I am starting to understand, especially in the last few days, of how useful a blog is as a ventilation system. Without this sort of system, bad mojo grows like malignant moss on your mind...

Anonymous said...

the people with access to a pc and the internet who may stumble upon your blog are probably already informed on how HIV is contracted etc. it's all the other people you have to address. but with the spiralling population problem around the world, it's a form of population control, you can't save everyone, if there were no problems there'd be even more people around and there are too many as it is.

p.s i wrote a computer program in 1997 as a project we had to do in school, it was about hiv/aids and had a little quiz at the end, with lovely pictures created by me with thousands of lines of code, seriously, anyways you should buy it from me! lol too bad i never got it back from the school.

but yeah, seriously the educationing the masses about hiv initiative is not working, the government is so stupid it's frustrating, plus some people are so dumb too you'll tell them one thing and they'll still go do the wrong thing.

blah blah blah

-C.

la la la i love meeeeeeeeeeeeee.

pps. i feel really bad though for children and rape victims who contracted it through their asshole parents/rapists. tsk tsk.

Candy Tothill said...

why am i the only person with an actual name here? did i miss something vitally important? shall i get my dark glasses and raincoat? sheesh, i feel so tremendously exposed. but also, having said that, i feel rather brave... too.

as should you, champagne- for so many reasons.

(as you can see i'm boycotting the use of capitals - not sure why)

Champagne Heathen said...

Koeks - aaah, thanks :)

Anton - send the link. But is not the one I have already linked to on my sidebar?? And yes, it rocks as a way to get your thoughts out. Keep going and enjoying it!

Anonymous C - You would be surprised what the most educated, richer people of SA do not know or how they have confused information around HIV. Which is why I will keep informing on all topics from all angles.

HIV and AIDS Deaths are in no way a form of population control. It is killing the most economically important people of our socities. This is having disasterous consequences on our economies and socities. It is killing the farmers, nurses, teachers. Those people we desperately are in need of to keep the very basics of our socities functioning.

It is also leaving many children without parents and guardians. Imagine the social and economic consequences of that. Children not able to go to school and receive and education, mainly because at the age of, say, 10 yrs old are having to look after younger siblings. Lacking moral guidance. Kids having to earn money in anyway possible...turning to prostitution... which also means probably becoming infected with HIV themselves.

ANYONE who acts on sexual urges, which is probably 90% of humans, runs the risk of contracting HIV. HIV is NOT a moral issue and I believe no one should dare to judge others of becoming HIV positive.

Candy - Ha ha! Now I am picturing a group of people, all dressed in black trenchcoats, dark glasses, whispering about these topics in smoky cafes.

I started this blog completely anonymously, cause it helped me to speak more openly about issues. Also, no real names help people think about the topic in an "Everyman" way, rather than becoming concerned about the person behind the words. Since then, many friends and acquaintances figured me out, but I still prefer the nick, as it does still allow me the illusion of anonynmity to make me more open than not.

A few people do use their real names though, like Anton and Rob of iscatterlings, so I wouldn't worry about it. No disguises desperately needed here!