Tuesday, August 07, 2007

Doe Eyed Naivety

I have never understood how one of my good chick mates has racked up so many traffic fines in her life. Not the ones that the cameras generate, the bastard sneaky contraptions that they are, but the ones when the cop pulls her over.

And I am not talking about any tickled notes of cash being slipped between two people. I have never had to bribe and I plan on never doing so. (Knock on a wood a thousand times).

But she’s a hot chick. I don’t get it. What is she doing wrong?

I have been pulled over countless times in my life. For being a helmetless passenger on a scooter. For driving without my lights on. For random roadblocks. For slight stumbles towards my car from a club at 5am. For my car being overloaded with drunk hooligans on the night of my 21st birthday – and the cops still would not help me out and lift a few of them to the next club!! They just waved me on and told me I’d be fine despite my protests that I would not be.

Actually, the cops in my varsity town even used to tell me to get in my car and just follow their tail lights home. And to stop talking bad French to the car guard when I was on my own at five in the morning. But Papi from Congo was only ever looking out for me!

So, last night again, for a reason I have yet to clearly work out, the blue lights flashed me, and over we all pulled to have a chat.

It was fun. A cute encounter to end the long work day.

Each time, I come away from the encounter with the authorities fine-free, feeling slightly disturbed, and a little exhausted from just having oozed my female charm all over that situation. Hell, I have even made a cop sing Happy Birthday to me once.


It is all about Doe Eyes and Naivety. A repeated subconscious mantra of “I am the dumb girl desperately requiring guidance from this intelligent strong man”. Looking out from under my raised “nervous” eyebrows, soft voice, childishly sweet.

And be polite, forgodsake. You are speaking to a man of the law. He has a gun. He has a pen determining where your next R500 goes. Be damn polite and damn admiring.

“Hello Sir. How are you? I’m so tired. Long day. [Doe Eyes Does Eyes Be the young dumb girl] Sigh. No Sir, I was not driving recklessly. No Sir, I always drive this route and I am always very sure to indicate to the left. [Be the girl who has only just learnt to drive and brave the big wide world and thank goodness this sweet dear man is here to protect you]. I do understand you, but don’t worry about me, I am looking after myself. I know Sir, I know. I would never endanger my sweet innocent self [More doe eyes….]”

By the end of this particular conversation the officer was calling me “Nana”.

“Ok Nana, but you must be careful”
“Yes sir. Do you need to see my driver’s license?”
“No, nana. But now put your safety belt back on, nana, and drive safely home”.
“Thank you, sir. Have a good evening. Thank you so much for being concerned. [One last doe eyed look]”

Another time ended with me and the cop arguing about my weight. He was convinced I was little and small. Hmmmm. My passenger friend in that car that night is still scratching her head about that one.

So what with Woman’s Day but sleeps away, here is “Cheers”ing to the Female Charm!!


fuzzy logic said...

It works for some, but you're still the master Champs! I still remember a story at uni where you stopped when you were waaay over the limit - just to be smilingly told your lights were off, and then sent on your drunken way. Butter wouldn't melt in your mouth!

Anonymous said...

Assume the position.

RB said...


Champagne Heathen said...

Fuzzles - yeah, that was the one where we ended up discussing my weight, and how much it would take for a double brandy to knock me out.

Anon - yet to have a hot one pull me over, and till then, I ain't getting out of my car!

Robs - don't use my own words back on me!

RB said...


Words? I only used two letters.

Mr Memetic said...

I, personally, will watch some old episodes of a classic example of pop-cultural female empowerment:

Xena: Warrior Princess!

She kicks serious ass by being an Olympic-level Swordswoman!

Mr Memetic said...

Ooops, sorry for the double post (urgh, I know, it's a problem):

I mean how I will celebrate Women's Day.

Anonymous said...

It so totally works. And for builders and electricians and plumbers and and and. In fact, in one job, if I wanted to ask for something, I just wore my fug-me boots to work, batted my eyelashes, and it was mine.

Made me feel slightly dodgey though. Not that I'm letting that stop me. *evil cackle*

Champagne Heathen said...

Anton - that would be brilliant - an olympic event of superhero types sword fighting it out! That might overtake my top olympic sport - men's swimming.

Dolce - I know. I also feel kinda ick, but still highly amused and powerful!

Anonymous said...

now you just need to figure out a way to use your charm on those that deal with processing the camera fines :-)

Champagne Heathen said...

I am going to start driving around topless - just in case of such moments!
They flash me! I'll flash them right back!

Mr Memetic said...
This comment has been removed by the author.