Doe Eyed Naivety

I have never understood how one of my good chick mates has racked up so many traffic fines in her life. Not the ones that the cameras generate, the bastard sneaky contraptions that they are, but the ones when the cop pulls her over.

And I am not talking about any tickled notes of cash being slipped between two people. I have never had to bribe and I plan on never doing so. (Knock on a wood a thousand times).

But she’s a hot chick. I don’t get it. What is she doing wrong?

I have been pulled over countless times in my life. For being a helmetless passenger on a scooter. For driving without my lights on. For random roadblocks. For slight stumbles towards my car from a club at 5am. For my car being overloaded with drunk hooligans on the night of my 21st birthday – and the cops still would not help me out and lift a few of them to the next club!! They just waved me on and told me I’d be fine despite my protests that I would not be.

Actually, the cops in my varsity town even used to tell me to get in my car and just follow their tail lights home. And to stop talking bad French to the car guard when I was on my own at five in the morning. But Papi from Congo was only ever looking out for me!

So, last night again, for a reason I have yet to clearly work out, the blue lights flashed me, and over we all pulled to have a chat.

It was fun. A cute encounter to end the long work day.

Each time, I come away from the encounter with the authorities fine-free, feeling slightly disturbed, and a little exhausted from just having oozed my female charm all over that situation. Hell, I have even made a cop sing Happy Birthday to me once.

How?

It is all about Doe Eyes and Naivety. A repeated subconscious mantra of “I am the dumb girl desperately requiring guidance from this intelligent strong man”. Looking out from under my raised “nervous” eyebrows, soft voice, childishly sweet.

And be polite, forgodsake. You are speaking to a man of the law. He has a gun. He has a pen determining where your next R500 goes. Be damn polite and damn admiring.

“Hello Sir. How are you? I’m so tired. Long day. [Doe Eyes Does Eyes Be the young dumb girl] Sigh. No Sir, I was not driving recklessly. No Sir, I always drive this route and I am always very sure to indicate to the left. [Be the girl who has only just learnt to drive and brave the big wide world and thank goodness this sweet dear man is here to protect you]. I do understand you, but don’t worry about me, I am looking after myself. I know Sir, I know. I would never endanger my sweet innocent self [More doe eyes….]”

By the end of this particular conversation the officer was calling me “Nana”.

“Ok Nana, but you must be careful”
“Yes sir. Do you need to see my driver’s license?”
“No, nana. But now put your safety belt back on, nana, and drive safely home”.
“Thank you, sir. Have a good evening. Thank you so much for being concerned. [One last doe eyed look]”
Zooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmm

Another time ended with me and the cop arguing about my weight. He was convinced I was little and small. Hmmmm. My passenger friend in that car that night is still scratching her head about that one.

So what with Woman’s Day but sleeps away, here is “Cheers”ing to the Female Charm!!