Thursday, January 24, 2008

Pass The Office Stapler

Office Going-to-throw-this-fkcing-stapler-at-your-pathetic-colleague’d-head Frustrations:

- Stop Shluuuuurping your damn tea already. There is only so high I can turn up my iPod. Just wait ONE minute for it to ice down a degree & then you can sip QUIETLY;
- The colleague that snorts/ sniffs. At least once an hour. Might offer an apology twice a day. But never stops doing this;
- People who use up all the office milk for their warm oats. Real intention of this milk: Morning Coffee for Addicts. Don’t mess with us, fool;
- People who quietly say “yes”, “ja ja”, “exactly”, “no, not at all” throughout the speech of some person in a meeting to indicate that they agree with what’s being said or suggested. Your sycophant ways just illustrate you to not be listening or understanding at all. And we are all going to have to sit through this same meeting agenda in a month when you haven’t lived up to any of your “agreed-upon” obligations;
- People who speak over other people in a meeting. Wait. Your. Fkcing. Turn.;
- Colleagues that say they saw by your last Facebook update or batch of tagged photos you had a rough weekend…. Yes, I am a drunken table-top-tangoing over-colourful reprobate, but the boss signed his consent of this into my contract, so your giggling of it does not scare me, it irritates me. Unbefriend;
- Pregnant colleagues. Go home already and stop being so grumpy, or at least make the kid do tricks to impress me;
- Stop bringing your toddlers to work! I do not have a biscuit for the demanding brat, or time to lose a pen to them & their flaming artiest budding ways, or yes yes my cellphone is some just-outdated model, no I do not know what model, yes it has a camera – fkcing hell, just take the damn thing & snap away, phone bluddy Ethiopia for all I care, just go away!;
- Colleagues who make the whole office stink of whatever lunch they just warmed up;
- WHAT?? HUH?? Speak up!! Stop mumbling and jargoning. Grab that point, DO IT, Grab it & expose it! And stop using meetings as your shrink venting sessions;
- I have a full name. I even have a nickname. Please refrain from addressing me by a single letter. Or using sms language in formal communication. Especially when you are over the age of 45;
- Incredible at this idea may be… Your project is not the reason I decided to live & breathe today. And so, because of this alarming concept, I have not given it ultimate priority. So try. Just try. To ASK if I can, not ORDER me to attend a meeting or sort out your rushed report. Think: Polite.

That’s it for now. This black black coffee isn’t working.

I might not have had enough restful sleep last night. Or be ready to engage my brain in 5-meetings-in-one-morning yet.

Now to go and retrieve my stapler….

6 comments:

Insane Insomniac said...

Awww..Champs...
Open plan offices suck! Get a staple gun, aim and fire....

Sheena Gates said...

Hahahaha. So. Kids. Not kiff, hey?

ChewTheCud said...

You brought it to the office yesterday didn't you? ;)

Ruby said...

he he - i've had a terrible morning so far...thanx for cheering me up!!!

Champagne Heathen said...

Insanity - HA HA HA HA!! I now have an image of me very futilily pointing a staple gun at my colleague one too many metres away, shooting staples at him!

Sheena - I love kids. I am great with kids. In their natural environment.

Chews - It wasn't my damn fault, it was the damn fault of the damn office. GRRRRrrrr. :)

Rubes - Why a bad day? And it is only my pleasure to help to make you smile!

Ruby said...

well....combining escom, assholes and the lack of a champagne breakfast this morning as well as a computer that insists on giving me a blue screen error with ruby doesn't go down too well in the mornings:(