Monday, February 04, 2008

Pink, Fluffy, and Not Allowed

“I’m sorry ma’am, but in your handbag, uhhhh, are there a uhhhh, pair of…”

Apparently, one is not allowed to carry handcuffs onto a plane.

Unless of course you can smile ever so coyly. And somehow also innocently. While trying to look completely calm and self assured, even though bright red, as other O.R. Tambo passengers skeef you out as they pass.

Plus one needs to have an art of babbling your way out of it. Come ooooon. They’re like plastic. Wrapped in boxes and paper. Toy. Really. You can carry one key. Pink fur. Etc.

I got them through.

And I am just more grateful that the chuckling security man didn’t ask to unpack my whole overnight bag there and then at “hand luggage check". What with me also carrying a big red tube of PLAY lube... “Blow on it to enhance!”. KARMA SUTRA by STICKERS book. A pink starred wand stating “GOOD GIRL/ BAD GIRL”. And other porn items bought for that night’s hen party.

Really. Hen party.

I hope the bride-to-be appreciates it. I think her fiancé might appreciate it even more.

I also am now longer too certain of a hen party objectives. I now know details of my friend I don’t think I ever, ever needed or wanted to know. Following hours of questioning games, bottles of champagne, and hysterical laughter, until we were drinking beer at sunrise.

Meanwhile, while I can get bondage equipment through international airports, I seem ill-equipped to talk a badly-dressed bachelorette into a one-horse town’s skankiest club late on a Saturday night. Maybe the bouncer didn’t appreciate our handcuffed state.

At least the cucumber had a thoroughly good night.

P.S. I think my eternal single status may have just abruptly ended. Now THAT might be the most shocking part of this dirty weekend. And it has definitely left me grinning.


Ruby said...

La! the heathen got her ass whipped in the relationship department! at least i'm still standing strong...LOL

Patchwork said...

You do know you are a maniac don't you?

Champagne Heathen said...

Ruby - well, like I always say, nothing like a good whipping! ;)

Bridget - I prefer the 'term' boundary-nudging! :)

DaveRich said...

Ha ha! Try walking through security at Heathrow after your "mates" slip in a big jar of vaseline, rubber gloves and a pair of handcuffs into your hand luggage. This is after you have assured the guy that you packed your own bag.

Champagne Heathen said...

HA HA HA HA HA!!! Ok, you beat me on that one Dave! What did you do??!

DaveRich said...

Smiled stupidly and tried to act like it was an everyday thing. At the end of the day it is every mans right to walk around with such items in your bag!!!

The Blonde Blogshell said...

HAHAHAHHA!! I am blushing for you!! hee hee!!!

Lucy said...

Oooooh! Good post! I haven't visited for a while, but it sounds like you're having fun :-)

Champagne Heathen said...

daverich - and in another way, you might be helping them oiut, if they've run out of supplies and all!

Blondie - :)

Confuddled - Hey you! Great to see you back around these parts! And other than the flu, yeah, all's good on this side right now. How you??

Anonymous said...

Ah! Brilliant Post...

Whips, chains, lube and Dills!! What more can the bride to be ask for?

-Jenna Fox-

Champagne Heathen said...

Jenna - A Karma Sutra By Sticker book!!! So you know how to really creatively use those whips, chains, Dills & lube!!

And what really scared me, is that she easily guessed every gift I gave her before opening the wrapping! Either she knows me too well, or I just befriend dodgy people! :)