When did I last not know what I was doing? What my “purpose” was?
Probably after school. Nope. I knew I was going to “chill” & explore for a year. And then be off to varsity. And I’d figure out the rest there.
Maybe after varsity? But then it was fun somehow. Or maybe my student-ness stayed with me. All bravado. Charm. And fearless. Where decisions had less consequence – just jump!
Now. Now I feel scared. And I do not like it one bit. Stress has pinned me down & is shoving its sweaty armpit in my face.
Now I am moving to a distant land…but not for anything I am looking forward to… I am moving for a guy.
I have nightmares of sitting home in a lonely apartment. Doing NOTHING. I have momentary attacks of losing all bravado and becoming a recluse unconfident purposeless tag-along. I have blanks of even what to think. Just let it get started already so I can know!!
Even a year & a half ago I did not know what commitment & relationships were. Now I am uprooting myself from what makes sense to me, to go to a land that has never held appeal for me, and will be trying to make more than the most of it. Adventuring.
All I wanted as it hit 2009 was adventuring & travel. And I got it. And I have an out from an unsatisfying job. And I am back-peddling like a drunk on a broken bike??
But…. But but and more buts go through this overwhelmed head. What will I adventure into? What will this do for shaping my mould? What growth? What if it doesn’t work with my guy…
In the greater scheme of it all… so what. So what if none of it works!
So then WHY THE FUCK am I freaked out.
I got to a NGO on Saturday to help tutor some kids from township schools. I didn’t know what I was doing. But I loved it. Because that is my purpose. That is what I have been doing for so many years.
What does Australia hold that will give a similar feeling?
[I realise this is all babble but this month is proving to be a fkcing whirlwind of thoughts & feelings that I can only release in typing them out. In their own way. I am so ready for this adventure to start & for the stress of the unknown to end!]
In other news. I tried to give blood. They wouldn’t take it because I had been in a malaria area less than a week before. And cause I have a boyfriend who travels to exotic locations like northern Angola & returns with equatorial diseases!
But if you are healthy. Please give it a shot. Just find out when the mobile clinic will be in your area!